Open Letters

An Open Letter to WD-40

Dear WD-40,

Wow. Oh man. I mean, this? This is huge. If my dad knew I was writing you a letter he would FREAK OUT. See, I grew up in a household that ran on WD-40 thanks to my dear old Pops. We practically ate that stuff for breakfast (It keeps you regular) (That’s a lie, it doesn’t) (It might, what do I know). I would be all Hey Mom I can’t get this desk drawer to openand she’d be all “Ask your Father” and he’d be all Put some WD-40 on it” and then I’d be all “Hey Mom I’m hungry, what’s for dinner?” and she’d be all “Ask your Father” and he’d be all “WD-40.”

WD-40 is this strange magical elixir that seems to make everything better but in an even less comprehensible way than Windex. WD-40 is a Modern Marvel! WD-40 is BANANAS! Not literally a banana, but BANANAS, as in the plural and caps lock, as in the way I heard Gwen Stefani use it in that annoying song that one time.

You know what I like about you, WD-40? You’re kind of greasy and have this chemical smell that the kids really dig. And you should know when I say “the kids” I’m referring to myself when I was a kid, and also last week when I was sniffing around for the source of the WD-40 scent in the empty apartment down the hall where I took a brief a nap but not because I’m homeless or anything but because I’m weird and may or may not have a nostalgic attachment to the smell of WD-40 which on occasion has produced bouts of narcoleptic impulses in some people (“some people” also refers to me!).

Sometimes I wonder what WD-40 can’t do. According to the website, WD-40 has over 2000 uses. That’s a two followed by three zeros! That’s a lot of uses that I don’t even know about and maybe some uses that haven’t even been invented yet! Like if my brother’s cat is too fat and I spray WD-40 on her food does that mean she’ll eat less or does that mean she’ll die? And what about if I have a pimple? If I grease that bad boy up with some WD-40 it will totally be gone in like five minutes, right?

Look I just can’t comprehend all the amazing and magical things that WD-40 can do!  WD-40 is a Wonder of the World.  WD-40 belongs in the Hall of Fame! I don’t know which Hall of Fame and I don’t even care – just Hall of Fame that stuff! I mean, I don’t even understand what it is but I know that WD-40 just fixes the heck out of everything.

Now please do excuse me as I have to go brush my teeth with my WD-40-infused toothpaste. Don’t try that at home kids.

Kind Regards,

Stamos

 

Featured Image via MyPlainview

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