Open LettersAn Open Letter to VampiresAnnie Stamell

Dear Vampires,

Ugh. You guys. You guys are just ruining it for everyone. And the worst part is, you’ve been at this for years! I know everyone thinks this vampire thing is just a new trend but um, hello Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and like, hello popular myths of the 18th century! I mean at least back in the 18th century you weren’t dating your co-stars and popping up on Us Weeklys and Hot Topic keychains across America and on sixteen different current television shows running on any TV channel at any given time. I mean now you’re unavoidable. Which would be fine if I didn’t care. But that’s just it. I DO CARE!

I care a lot about vampires because like any average female between the ages of 14 and 39 I would be 100% totally okay with it if a vampire decided that he was madly in love with me and had to be with me Forever (like in the “capitalize the first letter” sense of Forever) and even if my blood was more attractive to him than any other blood he’d ever had, he would overcome his insane addiction to be with me because that is how much he loved me and holy hotcakes our love would be so incredibly strong that it would just explode the face off anyone else’s love because all that other love would suck compared to our love explosion.

So now my standards are high. Really high. And can the average male meet these standards? Doubtful. Thanks a lot, vampires.

Ugh. Vampires! With your shiny skin and piercing eyes and declarations of “Forever.” You guys are just really blowing up expectations of romance and adoration and men and chivalry and love triangles and beating up other dudes and wearing sunscreen and forming alliances with fairies and leather jackets and hair and the likelihood a guy will have a hot brother who is also a vampire and mind-reading and a strong sense of smell and being wary of dogs because they are related to werewolves and wearing mysterious Gothic bejeweled rings and knowing gypsies and a proclivity to speak Ye Olde English.

And to top it all off, you are beautiful and gorgeous and super masochistic because of your love and weird vampire-issues but that only makes you hotter and you have a timeless accent that suggests maybe you are British or maybe Australian even but most of all WHO CARES BECAUSE YOU ARE A VAMPIRE.

You’re just the worst. And I love you so, so much.

 

Sincere Regards,

Stamos

 

Featured Image via stylesiren

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  1. Did anyone notice how all these “new” vampires are hanging around high schools… what vampire, would really do that?? Did anyone notice how “Edward Cullen” listens to 80′s music? What vampire would do that!??! Really? 80′s? High School? That’s what they chose to do??!

  2. I do love vampires, but my first love* was a PIRATE so I think I settled my preferences years and years agoo! :) And then Jack Sparrow popped up from God knows where… :p

    *”The Black Corsair” is an 1898 novel written by Italian novelist Emilio Salgari. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT TO YOU ALL! :)

  3. Vampire Diaries is my new obsession. I’m mean, who on earth can resist Vampire Brothers?

  4. The first vamp I fell deeply insanely for was Angelus. However, I still really loved vampires even before then ~ Interview with a Vampire is a great movie/book. Laurell K Hamilton has a pretty awesome vampire series as well. Back in late 80s, I started my obsession with vampires. When I wanted to be a vampire for Halloween my uncle made me watch Nosferatu and that didn’t even scare me away!
    Twilight is interesting to me, the whole fandom over Edward – I guess he might be 2000′s Angel with some really old fashioned morale values. However, if you just break it down – Twilight is a fairly decent story. Although I still think Buffy got screwed.

    Buffy & Angel Forever! <3

  5. Carmilla is my favorite vampire <3 and also my favorite vampire story. She makes me swoon..

  6. Angel is awesome. Oh God, and Mick St. John from Moonlight! My oh my…why was that ever canceled? Jason Dohring was in it!

  7. Well said, my friend.

  8. I love Angel. Even if I’ve only watched a few episdoes. OMG Angel! OMG David Boreanaz!!!

  9. So true!

    My vampire obsession started with Angel and Spike and has now had Stefan, Damon, Bill & Eric added on to the list.

  10. Long live Damon and Stefan Salvatore!

  11. Angel and Spike are the only vampires who I want to love Forever. :)

  12. ~LOL~That is all I have to say~DAMN VAMPS~

  13. all I have to say is Eric Northman…omg Eric Northman…He isn’t the whole nice and sweet one, he has an edge. He is the bad boy of Vamps. If a vampire declared his Forever dying love for me, I would let him drink me. Did the people who started the tales of Vampires ever had the slightest idea that women would go crazy over these mythical men? Why torture us like this?
    Again, Eric Northman….sigh…

  14. Haha… nice little bit of writing there :) I too can’t get enough of vampires, even if they shouldn’t sparkle… I’m pretty sure Edward Cullen is all kinds of hot, and I can’t help but adore Twilight because of the fact that he’s possibly some kind of god. Everything invites me in… and I can’t help myself :P Then the age old question (by age old I mean since twilight movies erupted in full force)… why can’t my boyfriend be more like Edward Cullen?