Open Letters

An Open Letter to Vampires

Dear Vampires,

Ugh. You guys. You guys are just ruining it for everyone. And the worst part is, you’ve been at this for years! I know everyone thinks this vampire thing is just a new trend but um, hello Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and like, hello popular myths of the 18th century! I mean at least back in the 18th century you weren’t dating your co-stars and popping up on Us Weeklys and Hot Topic keychains across America and on sixteen different current television shows running on any TV channel at any given time. I mean now you’re unavoidable. Which would be fine if I didn’t care. But that’s just it. I DO CARE!

I care a lot about vampires because like any average female between the ages of 14 and 39 I would be 100% totally okay with it if a vampire decided that he was madly in love with me and had to be with me Forever (like in the “capitalize the first letter” sense of Forever) and even if my blood was more attractive to him than any other blood he’d ever had, he would overcome his insane addiction to be with me because that is how much he loved me and holy hotcakes our love would be so incredibly strong that it would just explode the face off anyone else’s love because all that other love would suck compared to our love explosion.

So now my standards are high. Really high. And can the average male meet these standards? Doubtful. Thanks a lot, vampires.

Ugh. Vampires! With your shiny skin and piercing eyes and declarations of “Forever.” You guys are just really blowing up expectations of romance and adoration and men and chivalry and love triangles and beating up other dudes and wearing sunscreen and forming alliances with fairies and leather jackets and hair and the likelihood a guy will have a hot brother who is also a vampire and mind-reading and a strong sense of smell and being wary of dogs because they are related to werewolves and wearing mysterious Gothic bejeweled rings and knowing gypsies and a proclivity to speak Ye Olde English.

And to top it all off, you are beautiful and gorgeous and super masochistic because of your love and weird vampire-issues but that only makes you hotter and you have a timeless accent that suggests maybe you are British or maybe Australian even but most of all WHO CARES BECAUSE YOU ARE A VAMPIRE.

You’re just the worst. And I love you so, so much.

 

Sincere Regards,

Stamos

 

Featured Image via stylesiren

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