Open Letters

An Open Letter to the TV Sleep Timer

Dear TV Sleep Timer,

According to “science”, you are not necessarily a good thing. See, I read in this report on this online science trade journal I subscribe to (Twitter) that there are some “scientists” who claim that you aren’t supposed to watch TV in your bed right before you fall asleep, which is totally bananas because everyone knows that the only way to put yourself to sleep is to eat a bowl of cereal right when you get in bed and then stay up watching TimeLife music anthology infomercials until 3am (trust me, I know what I am talking about here).

In fact, there’s an entire sub-genre of television called Shows To Fall Asleep To (there isn’t — I just made that up) and some of my favorites include the finest crime procedural dramas network television has to offer. Or just anything on TNT. Hey, do you have insomnia? You should probably get a television set in your bedroom that exclusively plays TNT. I’m not insinuating that TNT shows are lacking in entertainment (they’re not, for the record – I mean, TNT knows drama, as they say*) but there’s something about a good stable crime procedural that is so comforting and safe. There’s nothing I want more than to cocoon myself in blankets and be lulled to sleep by the sounds of Rizzoli complaining to Isles about how much she hates dressing like a girl while studying blood patterns at a crime scene.

And then? Then that’s when you come in, Sleep Timer! Let’s say I put on one of the Shows To Fall Asleep To. Someone dies in like, the first four minutes, during which time I squint at the television set in the dark to make sure I program the TV to sleep after 45 minutes. Then opening credits roll, cut to commercial and just after the first big clue comes along, I fall asleep. Do I ever find out who the killer is? No. Do I care? No. I get a good night sleep with no interruptions and I’m saving that polar bear that starves on that one episode of Planet Earth (spoiler alert: I think that bear dies) because I’m conserving energy (you’re welcome, future polar bears). Then I wake up the next morning fresh-eyed and bushy-tailed and also bushy-eyed and fresh-tailed and it’s all thanks to you, TV Sleep Timer.

Fond Regards,


*they = TNT. I mean, it’s what it says right under their logo.

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