Open Letters

An Open Letter to the Lady Who Stands in the Girls' Bathroom at The Club

Dear Lady Who Stands in the Girls’ Bathroom at The Club,

I always wonder about you, Lady. Well, not always — and forgive me if this sounds rude, but most of the time I don’t think of you at all. But then it’s some ordinary Thursday that has devolved into a typically unpredictable Hollywood night-on-the-town and I find myself at The Club, which could be any old place with a one-word name like “Bucket” or “Ink” or “Sage” or “Thyme” or “Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme” if you’re a Simon & Garfunkel-themed club; and against all my better judgement, and general lack of interest, I’m a few too many drinks in and it’s time to pee and it’s not until I flee from the uncomfortably industrial looking bathroom stall until I see you again, and I think to myself, “that’s right! That’s the lady who stands in the girls’ bathroom at The Club!

I imagine it is a thankless job, spending all this time in a bathroom handing out mints and tampons and towels and bobby pins to drunk girls.  Trust me, however, you might be the lucky one, in there all night — on occasion the bathrooms are nicer than the cramped spaces on the dance floor where everything is hot and sweaty and smells like rum and faded perfume and girls who should not be dressed like that.

I’ll see you there Lady, and because I will talk to anyone, literally anyone (like, a cat and also a hobo — I will talk to them), I’ll probably be talking with the girl standing next to me but if she isn’t there then it’s you and you’re stuck with me, and I’m going to have to talk to someone, so you’re it.  The good news is, that while I’ll smile and say hello and maybe ask some silly question about the lighting, in no time I’ll soon become distracted because you have Wintergreen Lifesavers. You have Wintergreen Lifesavers in a situation when I would never think that I wanted a Wintergreen Lifesaver but there they are, like a little donut-shaped slice of heaven. A life saver.

What do you think of me? Do you even think of me? And when I say “me” I refer not to I, Ann Palmer Stamell aka Stamos, but to Drunk Girls at the Bathroom at The Club. To all of us. Do you find yourself exhausted by the endless amount of girl chatter and girl giggles and girl pee? Do you overhear the best conversations? Or the worst conversations? Have you written a tell-all-book yet? You should, you know. I’d read it.

Thank you for the Wintergreen Lifesavers.



Featured Image via Kristie Manning

  • Shelly Stromoski

    to post a comment

  • Elizabeth Siegel

    The nicest Bathroom Lady I ever met was at the Altar Bar Pittsburgh. She had previously lived in Israel and we talked about the fine produce there. It was one of the best conversations I had that entire night.

  • Carly Lane

    Next time I run into a Bathroom Lady I’m going to have to chat her up. I imagine she’d have a lot of fun stories to share.

  • Samantha C Taylor

    ALWAYS tip the bathroom lady.

  • Cherry Darling

    I do the talking-to-everything thing when drunk, too! It’s so much fun and you really get to know some interesting people (and animals, and plants, and aliens…) also the feeling of finding someone who does the same is incredible, and thus you can spend all night talking until your friends drag you out of the club.

    The last time I was in a club, there were two girls! and one of them fell in love with me, so she started flirting and treating me to drinks when her shift was over.
    It was kinda funny.

  • Chandler Laverty

    seeing as I’m 16, I can’t quite comment on this topic yet. Soooo, I’m going to leave you a link for astronaut ice cream from the second best site of all time.

  • Kelcie Conley

    I was at a bar one night because the one and only Antoine Dodson was hosting an event there, singing Hide Ya Kids about 50 times. My friend and I decided to go to the bathroom and while in there I hear a man’s voice say “girl, I just wanted to come say hi to you since you’re probably bored in here!!”. I come out of my stall to see Mr. Dodson hugging the Lady in the Bathroom at The Club and her with a huge smile on her face. It was really awkward as I tried to work my way around the two of them so that I could wash my hands and grab a Tootsie Pop out of the bowl but it was the most hilarious bar bathroom experience I’ve had. I guess that’s not saying much since most of the time it’s girls talking about who they want to bang or how much they hate this bitch or that stut, but still. Awesome.

  • Angel Fernandez

    Oooh, I would buy that book! :)

  • Kimberly Hawkins

    I always feel guilty when I have to use the bathroom at The Club. The Lady In the Bathroom is always so nice and helpful. She freakin’ has everything a drunk Me could want or need! And I never have cash to tip her. :-(

  • Shereen Zink

    I try so hard to avoid The Lady in the Bathroom. It’s a guilt-filled experience for me. Partly because I usually have no money to tip her and partly because when I do have money I truly, honestly don’t want to give my money to someone I kind of can’t avoid accepting service from. I mean, when I HAVE to get the paper towel from her and can’t get it myself, am I still expected to tip her? Maybe this all makes me a bad person, but I’m okay with that.

    • Dana Karen

      I KNOW….. THIS IS MY THOUGHT EXACTLY. I just read the comments of people loving that lady and I’m like fine I hate her, and how she takes all the paper towels. And I don’t want mints, I want a hot dog. And I will gladly pay the man on the street for the hot dog but bathroom lady is looking at me like she gets my dollars and that I shouldn’t get my hot dog!!

  • Marta Brewer

    Clearly, y’all have never been to a club in Tijuana. The lady in the bathroom hands you your toilet paper as you walk in. You do not NOT want to tip the woman who is the toilet paper gate keeper.

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