Dear Sour Patch Kids,
I don’t know why you’re so sour. I mean, you are delicious! (Except for the yellow ones. Blech.)
Oh wait. Hold on… is that it? Is that why you’re sour? Because people like me eat you? I do eat you, you know. At the movie theater and in my car and sometimes when I am at the airport and I am under a lot of pressure to make a good snack decision and then it turns out I have made a terrible snack decision and it’s two hours into my flight and my tongue is killing me and the stewardess does not like me for repeatedly hitting the call button for her attention during the “please remain seated” portion of the flight.
Oh God! What if that is it? What if you each are aware with a fully functional consciousness? And every time I bite one of your heads off, when I pretend it’s someone I don’t like, such as my sophomore high school English teacher or Katherine Heigl or Scar from The Lion King, you can feel each and every anger-filled mastication? What kind of horrible person am I eating children? Does this make me some sort of sadistic cannibal? And of all the ones to save, it’s the yellow ones I won’t eat? That is terrible news! If any of you are to be left untouched it should be the most delicious and precious of you all, the green ones! (I think you are lime. I think the yellow is lemon. Mostly I think that I know that the green is delicious and the yellow is terrible.)
What is a Sour Patch anyway? Is it in some way related to a Cabbage Patch? Are you distant cousins of Cabbage Patch Dolls? HAVE I BEEN BEHEADING AND SUBSEQUENTLY INGESTING THE NEAR RELATIVES OF SOME OF MY FAVORITE CHILDHOOD TOYS? I’m an animal! I am distraught! I feel the anguish! The misery! The agony! The pain on my tongue! And the roof of my mouth because I. Just. Cannot. Stop!
Oh no. Oh wait. I think we’re good. I think for a moment there I got confused. Is this what a sugar high feels like? Did someone poison my Sour Patch Kids? Was it you, Swedish Fish? My mouth hurts. I’m going to take a nap now.
Featured Image via Dylan’s Candy Bar