Dear Pizza,

I love pizza so much I want to name a cat Pizza. I love pizza so much that sometimes I think about changing my Facebook name to “I Love Pizza.” I love pizza so much I will eat anything that has the word pizza in it (see: Salad Pizza, Breakfast Pizza, Dessert Pizza). I love pizza so much that once after recovering from jaw surgery when I was 7 weeks into an 8 week liquids-only diet I stood in front of a blender with a slice of pizza and contemplated making a drinkable version of my favorite food. For the record, I didn’t. But it was in that instant that I knew, unequivocally, that I love pizza.

Because my imagination is rich and difficult to contain and as I have a tendency to daydream when I’m spending long periods of time in my car, anytime I drive by a cop car or see a police helicopter flying overhead I am immediately certain that I have been falsely accused of some terrible and elaborate (but also exceedingly clever) murder plan and all evidence suggests I would be the only person capable of carrying out such a genius master plan when in reality I’ve been framed by my arch-nemesis Katherine Heigl and in some really twisted one-sided abuse of justice Heigl walks free and I’m sentenced to death by the electric chair but not before I have my last meal which will be the best damn slice of cheese pizza ever created and I will cherish this final pizza with so much love and abandonment that I will weep tears of pure innocence and those who didn’t believe me at first would recognize that innocence through my pizza-inspired tears and it would be all the evidence the judge would need then in the 11th hour, when I would be set free and Heigl would be caught and sentenced to life in prison and I would squint my eyes and watch her shuffle down a scary-looking jail hallway into her scarier-looking jail cell and then the door would slam and the bars would slow-motion close over her face and she would sneer back at me just as I am taking a huge bite of another slice of the best looking pizza you’ve ever seen and it would taste delicious — the redemption, the freedom, and the pizza.

Fond Regards,

Stamos