Open Letters

An Open Letter to Pirate's Booty

Dear Pirate’s Booty,

Hello Good Sirs! (Crikey! Is that the proper greeting for a pirate? I have no idea! My entire knowledge of pirate greetings comes from Johnny Depp, and he strikes me as the kind of lad who’d love to be called Sir. In fact, I think he might be a Sir! Is he? Do you know him? Could you get me his autograph?)  It is a true pleasure to be telling you how much I enjoy your snack — your booty, as it were. See, I’ve been looking for a cheese-flavored puff of air ever since I first discovered that the density of Cheetos are simply not for me. In fact, I was not aware I would ever enjoy a cheese puff until you came into my life. My experience with cheese puffs before you came onto the scene mostly involved me wrinkling my noise in disgust, with an occasional “ew” added for dramatic effect. And don’t even get me started on that orange finger dust that gets everywhere – I’m pretty sure that stuff causes cancer.

According to your website, “Pirates like their cheddar like they do their rum, aged to perfection” and while I don’t know a lot about cheddar (besides the fact that I love it), I do know a fair amount about rum, in that it is delicious and goes well with many things (Coke, Tonic, Beyonce’s latest album, a horizontally striped shirt, costume parties, etc). So what I’m trying to say here is that I appreciate the pirates’ appreciation of allowing both rum and cheddar to appreciate (in value. And age!).

I have dreams of finding some sort of defected morsel of Pirate’s Booty in every snacksize bag I devour. Not that I want to slander the good Pirate’s Booty name, but because I fantasize that such a horrible event would ultimately result in a feature on a daytime talk show along with a lifetime supply of Pirate’s Booty. Because when you’re a snacks enthusiast such as I, if there’s anything to dream about, it’s getting a lifetime supply of your number one favorite snack (no offense, Pop Chips, you guys are pretty good too).

Warm Regards,



Photo by Annie Stamell

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