To Whom It May Concern,
We’re very cute. We know this. We make really interesting choices. We’re aware. Sometimes we do things you’d never expect us to do. It’s adorable. We get it. We see you filming us. We want to make you happy. We want you to get your shot and post it and share it and all that. We keep doing our thing, so that you can do yours. But the time has come to have a talk. Wanna sit down for a sec? Great.
These videos that you’re posting are getting thousands and sometimes millions of views. Mazel Tov. Seriously. That’s a big deal and the entertainment landscape really is changing. It’s so exciting. But we digress. So, back to the point we were getting to – that’s us on camera. Therefore, we want a piece of the action. Want to loop us in to Google Ad Sense? Want to send us something via Paypal on the weekly? Maybe we talk about a merch deal?
Let’s take a closer look at just some of what we do for you: We sit at the table and make it look like we’re eating with you. We do hilarious things where we slip and slide in sinks and bathtubs. We run into things and shake it off. We snuggle with others. Some of us, when we’re feeling particularly randy, even shag a Teddy Bear. Not our proudest moment, but stuff happens. We feel you taking pictures of us while we sleep, we’re just so exhausted, we don’t have the energy to wake up and say something about it. We know how cute we are when we sleep. So it’s not that we think you’re crazy for doing it. We just want you to know that we’re not crazy, either. And that’s why we want a percentage of whatever money you’re pulling in.
We’d definitely like to be added to the email chain of whatever’s being discussed for these videos before they go viral. It’s not so much that we want to jump in with opinions. We’re not in the business of giving network notes. No way. We’d just love to be kept in the loop. We would, however, definitely like to be credited. We’re not sure who said it, which is ironic since we’re asking to be properly credited, but when you take our picture/video of us, it’s kind of like stealing our souls. Lets make it less like that. And more like a gig. A paying gig. We jump through hoops for you. Literally and metaphorically. And like I said, sometimes we hump stuffed animals and let you film us doing it. Come to think of it, for that we should get a bigger check and only then, let’s not list our names in the credits. Some of us have wives.
We thank you very much for your understanding of this very sensitive matter. We’re still talking about when we rub up against stuffed animals. It’s humiliating. Think beer goggles. You’re essentially leaking our worst sex tapes, dudes. But enough of that, we really do appreciate you taking the time to read this open letter so that we may begin the dialogue of changing the way we monetize these videos and photos going forward. We’re really excited to work together and certainly understand if any future meetings take place via Skype only, as a result of any allergies you may have. To us.
Happy Holidays, People!
Lots & Lots of Animals (Thousands of Signatures Gathered From Animals Such as):
Sneezing Baby Panda
Startled Mom Panda
Honey Badger (This is one thing I do care about)
Keyboard Cat (I’m just gonna go ahead and represent all cats)
Baby Monkey (Riding Backwards on a Pig)
The Pig (That Baby Monkey is Riding Backwards On. We are not one entity, you know.)
All Puppies in All Puppy Cams
The Deer from the Fast Food Restaurant (I’m so dizzy. Excuse my signature)
The 2 Otters Holding Hands Sleeping (just friends)
The 2 Gay Penguins
Stains, the dog who wants the cupcakes (It’s actually cool if you pay me in cupcakes)
The Dog That Says “I Love You”
The Squirrel/Chipmunk With The Dramatic Look To Camera
The Miniature Daschund in the Hot Dog Roll
Christian The Lion (I know how to recognize people after a year of not seeing them & hug them, without accidentally killing them. What’s that worth, bitches?)