Open Letters An Open Letter to People With No One to Kiss on New Year's Eve Annie Stamell

Dear People With No One to Kiss on New Year’s Eve,

So. You’ve got no one to kiss on New Year’s Eve? Preach it, friend. I’ve been there and the way things are shaping up, it looks like I will be there again when the clock hits 2012. So as a seasoned Person With No One to Kiss on New Year’s Eve, I thought I’d let you know you are not alone. The good news I might have a few helpful suggestions for dealing with this potentially awkward and uncomfortable situation.

Here are some of my surefire, tried and tested techniques for how to cope when the clock strikes midnight on December 31 and you are seemingly without anyone to kiss:

  • In advance of the big moment, spend some time in front of the mirror practicing your “I don’t kiss people in public, that’s tacky, you classless fools — were you raised in the barn of a nudist colony?” face.
  • Stand in front of the mirror for twenty minute practicing your “I’m totally okay with all these gross in-love couples playing tonsil hockey in front of me, excuse me while I check my Twitter” face.
  • Pull a Houdini. Some people call this an Irish Exit but I like to think of it as a Houdini – I magically disappear without telling anyone and most of the time everyone else is too drunk or too locked up in making out with someone else to notice (just make sure to text your one concerned friend that you made it home okay, okay?). A Houdini is an excellent trick to keep in your back pocket for any standard night out but it’s especially useful on New Year’s Eve.
  • Get so drunk you are passed out in the bathroom by the time it’s midnight and avoid the situation all together. One of my classic go-to moves.
  • Make out with your gay BFF. Maybe run this by them first.
  • Another classic – just avoid the moment all together. Take a sleeping pill around 10 so you’ll be out cold by midnight. New Year’s Eve kiss? Who needs one!
  • When the countdown beings, just shout out the wrong numbers as loud as you can to get people confused – this will really work if you are somewhere where you can set the clocks at different times. Then either no one will make out or everyone will make out, but either way it will be mass hysteria across the land, you evil genius, you!
  • Seize the day – if your crush happens to be at the party just go plant one on him (or her). Or maybe you spotted someone earlier you thought was a Major Studmuffin Hottie McGee – just go kiss them! It’s New Year’s so you get a free pass. Kiss away!
  • Just make out with everyone. Seriously. I mean, why not? People are counting down, looking around, scoping out the scene, awkwardly making eye contact with you when they meant to lock eyes with the person standing behind you… come on, they’re practically begging for you to kiss them!  I think one year I made out with my five best guy friends. It was a win-win situation for everyone. Mostly me.

That’s about all I got, but trust me – you really can’t go wrong with any one of these methods. Well maybe the getting drunk and passing out on the bathroom floor one. That’s not very fun. But hey — you do you. Most importantly, be safe and have fun! Happy New Year and here’s to 2012!

Warm Regards,

Stamos

Kissing couple image via ShutterStock

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  1. I’m either going to pull a Houdini and get my ass out of there or get drunk off my ass… I’m torn, I don’t know which one.

  2. It’s my birthday sooo I don’t think the Irish Exit will work for me. I’ll probably pull a “totally okay with it face” if the “seize the day” doesn’t work out. Happy New Year!

  3. I’ve been planning to take a sleeping pill around 10:00 for weeks now. That’s still looking like my best option.

    New Years always disappoints me, so why not be unconscious (without the icky hangover the next day)?

  4. I love Irish Exits! Claaaaaaaassic

  5. I was thinking the “Shouting the Wrong Numbers” rule too. But, I mean, the countdown has to end sometime, right? Or, do I slowly back away while counting loudly & head out the door? Or, while counting loudly, do we hurry & choose one of the other rules? Ugh. The pressure! Forget it! I’m just gonna stay home. That way, I’ll save myself maybe, perhaps from mono…because knowing me, I’d do the “Shouting out the wrong numbers” thing & be the one to go directly into rule “Just Make Out With Everyone”…thus waking up the next day with my first regret of 2012…and I just don’t need that. Yep. Looks like a night of board games for me…and hopefully not by myself. If so, I always have Solitaire or Minesweeper. :)

  6. I’ll be going with the “shouting out the wrong numbers” tactic. Thanks so much Annie, this was super helpful! You rule!