Open Letters

An Open Letter to Mascara

Dear Mascara,

Sometimes I think you might be the most undervalued makeup product in existence. See, sometimes when I wake up and get a glimpse of my scary morning self in the mirror, I will find myself horrified by my puffy eyes and barely-there eyelashes. “Who is that monster of a girl and what happened to her?!” I demand of my own reflection. And oh, if my reflection could talk! (She would probably say things like, “You were supposed to get up a half hour ago” or “Well, I don’t think you’re going to have enough time to go to the gym before work” or “Maybe you shouldn’t have had that second glass of wine last night, hmmmm?” because my reflection is super condescending and a little bitchy in the morning.)

I love putting on makeup. It’s really fun. Granted, I have no idea what I’m doing (seriously, none) but I enjoy pretending that I do. The best part about the whole makeup process is that I save the mascara for last. I do everything else and think, “Yeah, this looks nice” and then I put on my mascara and it’s like, “I AM A MODEL.”

I didn’t always understand and respect the degree of significance of mascara in the genre of feminine beauty products. Oh no. I remember when I was a freshman in high school and my older brother brought home his first serious girlfriend from college and I thought she was a magical little sprite with mysteriously perfect eyelashes. She told me that her secret was no makeup — just mascara. What a novel idea! And from that moment, I vowed that on the days when I couldn’t muster the energy to even run a comb through my hair, I would always wear mascara.

I’m not one of those girls with tiny pale blonde eyelashes and I’m also not one of those girls with big beautiful Kardashian-esque fringe on my eyelids either. My eyelashes are pretty normal (unlike my ears, which are creepy clown baby small). So it’s not like mascara does anything really overwhelming for me, but there’s just something about that slight enhancement of that one small feature that seems to just sort everything out. I firmly believe mascara is a girl’s secret weapon (that and, well, having a vagina. That’s probably our real weapon).

The only time mascara does not work is when are you in water and are not wearing waterproof mascara. Then you just look a little bit like a hooker stuck in the rain (so I’ve heard). It can also backfire on you when you are crying. This is a real issue for girls because a lot of us cry at stuff like inter-species friendship videos on YouTube or if a horse dies in a movie or when we meet a puppy or when we think we might be meeting a puppy later or if we are fighting with a friend or if a puppy is there and then it falls asleep on another puppy and it’s all too much.

Oh, and under no circumstances can you go to a funeral or watch a Pixar movie when you wear mascara. Unless you are Lauren Conrad, who can somehow make a even single tear full of black mascara look good:

Right!?!

Warm Regards,

Stamos

woman applying mascara image via ShutterStock; Lauren Conrad image via SkinnyBride

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