Open Letters

An Open Letter to Fall TV

Dear Fall TV,

I want to make you a color-coded Excel spreadsheet, DVR you on four different televisions and then make sweet, sweet love.

I love this time of year, it’s the best time of the year in the world because it is that time when summer is over and we know this not from the changing colors of leaves or the distinct odor of autumnal breezes but because every night from 8pm until 11pm there are three hours of television programming to be consumed on four or more different television networks. I am so overwhelmed and excited and we’re only, like, two days into Fall TV and I’ve already watched the pilot for Ringer three times (OMG, SMG, OMG) and I’ve already printed out and distributed multiple copies of my color-coded Excel spreadsheet to my roommates and friends and co-workers and anyone who has my email address and wants a copy of it just email me and I will email it back to you because it is the best color-coded Fall TV spreadsheet there is (yes I am watching NCIS, no I am not watching NCIS: Los Angeles).

I want to read your annual Entertainment Weekly cover while I watch all your pilots and premieres until it’s midnight and then I wanna get in my bed and put on the sleep timer and watch them again.

I love all the new shows and some of them I maybe don’t like but I won’t make any severe judgements until the third episode of any new show at which point I’ll know the ones I no longer care about based on the number of episodes behind I am so then I’ll delete that show (likely candidate — The Playboy Club. Pan Am, I think we’re gonna go steady!) and breathe a sigh of relief because watching so much TV is stressful sometimes okay? And then there’s the huge gaping hole in my heart that’s left behind by Friday Night Lights, although Parenthood is a near-perfect replacement except not completely (and certainly not with those new haircuts, I mean WHOA) and then when Bones comes back in November (oh my God, we have to wait until November?) and Brennan and Booth are having a baby and oh my god what is going to happen on Fringe? AND OH MY GOD PARKS AND RECREATION IS THE BEST SHOW EVER! No. It’s HAPPY ENDINGS! No. The best show ever is I DON’T KNOW! DON’T MAKE ME DECIDE!  I LOVE THEM ALL, I LOVE ALL THE SHOWS SO MUCH!

I want to watch six different football games on six different TV sets in the same room at the same time.

What would we have done if football hadn’t come back this fall? I don’t know and I am scared to think about it, except I guess maybe I would have watched episodes of 2 Broke Girls or Castle or 30 Rock or Revenge or The Big Bang Theory or New Girl over and over again and speaking of, have you guys watched New Girl yet (and if not you can do so on this very site right here. Do it now! No, now. Now.) because I feel like maybe the writers have been spying on me because I swear it could be my life you guys, it could! And not just New Girl, I mean, there are so many new girls on TV in general because TV is having a major GIRL POWER moment and if there is anything that makes my heart burst even more when it comes to Fall TV it’s when all these talented and smart and fun and funny girls are making these shows that I love so much. I want to be like them and work with them and just make TV and then watch TV and also there is going to be a television show about dinosaurs you guys, DINOSAURS!

I want to invent some sort of machine that lets me be in eight different places at once so I can watch all the shows on all the networks all at once and still get a good night’s sleep.

I’m so excited I think I might throw up.

Warm Regards,

Stamos

Featured Image via YahooTV

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