An Open Letter To Diane Keaton, On Her Birthday Week

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Dear Diane Keaton,

As I listen to smooth jazz on KJAZZ (I mean the hold music for Delta Airlines), I commemorate your amazingness on the week of your birthday, thinking about how awesome your tinted glasses are and how Johnny Depp has NOTHING on you with his purple tinted glasses because you have so many varieties of tints it blows my mind away.  I, myself, have decided to sport a blue tint these days in honor of you.

Yes, I look slightly like Harry Potter.  But in your glasses, Diane Keaton, you look like a rockstar with an insane agenda to rule the world.  You have chosen the right glasses fit your oval-like face and as a result, you’ve accomplished what most people can’t do in a lifetime.  Case in point: the rectangular light lavender tinted non-framed glasses (they’re hexagons actually…so you’ve taken optical frames to a new level)…

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Clearly you’re chilling out at that fancy French film opening, with those jewels around your neck, wishing you were drinking a café au lait with ME at MOCA, enjoying some Basquiat and Warhol.  But instead, you must think of your next gala outfit, which will include the slightly orange/brown tinted glasses in a cat-eye/rectangular black plastic frame…

Just look at that leather jacket.  Clearly you’re ready to kick some butts and take names.  You can kick my butt.  I’d be honored.  But instead, you are thinking about your new novel that you’re getting ready to pitch in some yellow thinly wired hexagon frames…

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Your bowtie and little hat says it all, Diane Keaton.  You’re articulate, sophisticated and can take on any man in this man’s world.  And you’re serious, but funky.  I know you can dance the ‘chicken’ like no other.  But again, you always have plans and you need to schedule an appointment at the doctor’s office while simultaneously attending a Children’s Hospital benefit.  To calm yourself down before double booking yourself, you’ll be wearing your turquoise tinted hexagon shaped glasses without frames…

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These glasses suggest you’re about to party at the doctor’s office, a gala, a jazz concert or even in a bouncy house with me, Diane Keaton.  These glasses are like your psychedelic “take-me-back to those crazy days when everyone typecast me as Annie Hall” glasses.  But I know you got it covered.  You’ve prepared yourself for a more “take me serious” look with a clear, hexagon shaped frame that tints only in the sun…

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You’re saying NO to all evil in those glasses.  You’re playing those bagpipes and telling the presses to take a HIKE.  You’re in command and NO ONE is going to mess with YOU.  That’s why I got MY tinted glasses.  I have no idea how to take charge and assert myself as a strong-willed woman with amazing talent.  Of course, my talent isn’t as great as yours, Diane Keaton.  But who knows what can happen with tinted frames over my eyeballs?  At least I know I’m on my way towards a healthy lifetime with relaxed corneas.

Anyways, I love you, Diane Keaton.  When are we hanging out?  Or is that too creepy to ask you now that I’ve analyzed all your glasses?  Whatever.  You’ll want to meet me.  One day…when you’re bored.  Or never.  But maybe sometime?  Okay…I’m going to go away now… (But I’m still behind you…shhhh.)


Alessandra, your biggest fan forever and always

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