Dear Coconut Water,
I like you.
I do! I like you a whole lot. Now, do I like you enough to write you an open letter to be published on a website that anyone, anyone at all, can read? SPOILER ALERT: I didn’t think so but now it looks like I am, so apparently I do!
Why do I like you? Well, you are healthy and delicious! You taste like a refreshing afternoon of sailing in the Bahamas. I have never been sailing in the Bahamas but I imagine it tastes just like Coconut Water!
I have upsetting news to share with you, my dear friend (I can call you friend, right? I feel like we’re connected on a personal level now, thanks to my love of coconuts and your being descended from a coconut and me drinking you and what not), as I have started to notice a hot up-and-coming trend. Unlike the trend of coconut water, this up-and-coming trend does not make me happy. Oh no. This trend really grinds my gears.
What is this trend I’ve noticed? I am so glad you asked! You see, delicious and nutritional Coconut Water, it would appear that the newest trend is hating on you. It’s true. People don’t like you, and they are getting all up in arms about it. I’m seeing these arms up on The Twitter and the Interwebs and occasionally at the local supermarket like that time I saw a toddler throwing juice boxes of Vita Coco at his mother (in his defense, I will concede that of all the coconut water options, Vita Coco is NOT the way to go).
You, Coconut Water, are getting a lot of flack. And not just from toddlers in grocery stores (related: people of America, stop bringing toddlers to grocery stores!). Celebrities I like and admire and follow on Twitter and am on a first name basis level of stalking have been publicly bemoaning your existence. Now, I’m not going to name names (although I am partial to “Olivia” or “Elizabeth” if it’s a girl and “Henry” if it’s a boy), but I just want you to know, that clearly these so-called celebrities have had their Twitter accounts hacked! Okay, that was me making a joke again, I know! I am full of them! What I mean to say is, clearly these people are just using the internet as their soapbox – I mean, geez get a life, right?
Okay fine, these people don’t like you, and they are entitled to their opinion. I am entitled to disagreeing with their opinion and writing a 500-word letter on my opinion on disagreeing on opinions. (If you’re thinking you have no idea what I just said, never you fear, as I do not either). I just want you to know that in this phase of the relationship, the phase that comes after the honeymoon phase (anyone know what we call this phase? I’d be amenable to calling it the Coconut Water Phase from now on as long as I get residuals), I’ve got your back. See, I like you Coconut Water, I really do.
Especially Zico. I don’t play favorites but I like you the MOST.
Featured Image via ZICO: Pure Coconut Water
Annie Stamell is a writer and social media junkie I mean expert who is regularly looking for places to buy astronaut ice cream (other than science museums). You can learn more about her here and follow her on Twitter and Tumblr.