Sometimes when I think about bigtime heavy important stuff like religion or politics or if I left my car keys on the hook by the door or on my nightstand next to the candle, I will wonder about stuff. I might imagine that hell, if hell is indeed a real and tangible place, would be a place in which a person would have the most chapped lips he or she had ever had. Chapped lips all the time. That is hell. Like, your lips would be so painfully dry that even the momentary respite you might receive from moistening the lips with your tongue, or say, a lovely drink of water, would still not warrant the significant pain of the extremely chapped level of chapped lips you are then stuck with. There is no greater misery than being someplace where you need chapstick and there is no chapstick to be found. I weep at the thought.
I’m sorry, but hold on just a moment, I need to pause and go put on some chapstick.
When I say chapstick, I don’t mean any old chapstick. No, I mean the world’s greatest healing ointment for dry lips and skin: Aquaphor. This stuff is made with unicorn tears, it’s that good.
Okay, do you remember that time I said I wanted a lifetime supply of Pirate’s Booty? Well, I changed my mind. I don’t want that anymore. I mean, I do want that but there is something else I want more. I want Aquaphor. I want an entire lifetime’s worth of Aquaphor. If I could have a pocket sewn into every item of every article of clothing I own (and I’m including socks, underwear and headbands in this) and that pocket was just the right size for enough to Aquaphor to sustain me through an emergency or an average day or ideally a week, then I would be the happiest person alive. See, I’ve come to terms with the problem that I’m just one of those people who suffers from chapped lips, like Napoleon Dynamite and Steve Urkel, probably. It’s fine. As long as I have access to a decent supply of the healing power that is Aquaphor somewhere on my person, then I will be okay.
But if I don’t? If I am somewhere away from my home and I realize my lips could use some resuscitation and so I search in my giant Mary Poppins purse to discover that while I might have a Happy Meal toy, a Tide pen and a pharmacy’s worth of prescription pill bottles, I don’t have any Aquaphor, none at all, well then do you know what happens then? I freak out. (There’s a reason for those prescriptions, clearly.) I mean, I have a serious dependency on Aquaphor.
Okay, I am sorry, I can’t even write this anymore because I really have to go find one of my giant tubs of Aquaphor that I keep either at my office or at my bedside table or in my living room or in my car or in my gym bag or in my purse or at my friend’s houses or everywhere, I keep it everywhere, seriously, I’m addicted to Aquaphor, you guys.
Aquaphor image via Walmart.com