Open Letters An Open Letter to Aquaphor Annie Stamell

Dear Aquaphor,

Sometimes when I think about bigtime heavy important stuff like religion or politics or if I left my car keys on the hook by the door or on my nightstand next to the candle, I will wonder about stuff. I might imagine that hell, if hell is indeed a real and tangible place, would be a place in which a person would have the most chapped lips he or she had ever had. Chapped lips all the time. That is hell. Like, your lips would be so painfully dry that even the momentary respite you might receive from moistening the lips with your tongue, or say, a lovely drink of water, would still not warrant the significant pain of the extremely chapped level of chapped lips you are then stuck with. There is no greater misery than being someplace where you need chapstick and there is no chapstick to be found. I weep at the thought.

I’m sorry, but hold on just a moment, I need to pause and go put on some chapstick.

When I say chapstick, I don’t mean any old chapstick. No, I mean the world’s greatest healing ointment for dry lips and skin: Aquaphor. This stuff is made with unicorn tears, it’s that good.

Okay, do you remember that time I said I wanted a lifetime supply of Pirate’s Booty? Well, I changed my mind. I don’t want that anymore. I mean, I do want that but there is something else I want more. I want Aquaphor. I want an entire lifetime’s worth of Aquaphor. If I could have a pocket sewn into every item of every article of clothing I own (and I’m including socks, underwear and headbands in this) and that pocket was just the right size for enough to Aquaphor to sustain me through an emergency or an average day or ideally a week, then I would be the happiest person alive. See, I’ve come to terms with the problem that I’m just one of those people who suffers from chapped lips, like Napoleon Dynamite and Steve Urkel, probably. It’s fine. As long as I have access to a decent supply of the healing power that is Aquaphor somewhere on my person, then I will be okay.

But if I don’t? If I am somewhere away from my home and I realize my lips could use some resuscitation and so I search in my giant Mary Poppins purse to discover that while I might have a Happy Meal toy, a Tide pen and a pharmacy’s worth of prescription pill bottles, I don’t have any Aquaphor, none at all, well then do you know what happens then? I freak out. (There’s a reason for those prescriptions, clearly.) I mean, I have a serious dependency on Aquaphor.

Okay, I am sorry, I can’t even write this anymore because I really have to go find one of my giant tubs of Aquaphor that I keep either at my office or at my bedside table or in my living room or in my car or in my gym bag or in my purse or at my friend’s houses or everywhere,  I keep it everywhere, seriously, I’m addicted to Aquaphor, you guys.

Regards,

Stamos


Aquaphor image via Walmart.com

comments

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  1. I went on Acutane a few years back, and thus, I too know of the wonders of Aquaphor. I would literally have cried if I’d had to go a day without it. The stuff is magic.

  2. i use it to heal my tattoos, and always recommend that anyone else do the same.

    Anonymous | 2/10/2012 11:02 am
    • Thank you! One of my fartvioe products. FYI: December 11th email arrived for 12 Days promotion, but not December 12th or 13th. Not in spam folder either.

      Anonymous | 2/23/2012 11:02 pm
  3. I’m a Burt’s Bees chapstick-oholic, but Aquaphor (when it was Eucerin) saved my shoulders when I got really burnt Deep Sea fishing this summer. 2nd degree burns on my shoulders. It was bad. The creme doesn’t have the best smell, but it healed my shoulders up more quickly than without it.

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      Anonymous | 2/23/2012 09:02 pm
  4. I am always sure to be equipped with my Aquaphor! I have the tub, a few big tubes and a pack of little tubes. It is truly a miracle! :)

  5. I have no less than 5 tiny tubes of Aquaphor in my purse. I don’t know if you have kids, but Diapers.com send you a free mini tube w/ every product you order from them.

  6. I agree with this completely. I use aquaphor on my dry cracked hands, and carmex and aquafina lip balm for my chapped lips, but in a emergency when I couldnt find the two afformentioned lip balms, I sought out my aquaphor and sweet relief! I am never ever out of lip balm! Im also a New England girl but Bag Balm just seems super gross to me.

  7. In my house we call it Aqua-”for”-everything since it is so all purpose. Diaper rash? Chapped lips? Cuticles? Scratches? Dry skin? A little burn or bug bite? Put some aquaphor on it! And the big tub- lasts forever!!

  8. I use this on my daughter to prevent diaper rashes. Better than any baby cream out there. Swear by it!

  9. I agree, entirely. I love Aquaphor. When I was on Accutane, it saved my life.

  10. Have you tried the Aquaphor Lip Repair? It’s marv!

    http://www.eucerinus.com/products/aquaphor/aquaphor-lip-repair.html

    Anonymous | 2/09/2012 09:02 am
  11. As a New England girl, I’m partial to Bag Balm. It’s like magic on chapped lips and dry cracked feet.

  12. i could have written this myself. when i moved to the southwest from michigan, the dryness was a godsend, but also killed my every part of my body, especially my lips. aquaphor saved my life. i too, often wish i had aquaphor in every item of clothing, purse and pocket.

  13. It’s all moonlight and roses until your dog eats an entire jar of it. Whenever you try to purchase it for the next year, you will remember trying in vain to scrub the greasy diarrhea out of the entire back half of said dog’s beautiful fur with Dawn dishsoap before resorting to cutting it all off. You will attempt to balance the glory of Aquaphor (that even gets rid of the nasty eczema that you get on the inside of your elbows when you wear sweaters with the sleeves pushed up) with the trauma of that memory. But the memory will win and you will never purchase it again.

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      Anonymous | 2/29/2012 04:02 am
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      Anonymous | 2/21/2012 12:02 pm
  14. This is hilarious. I am the same way about chapstick (it used to be Carmex for me, but it smells so much like medicine:). I have chapstick stored away in every corner of my house, glovebox, nightbag, etc. People laugh b/c even when I’m camping, it’s there – I may have forgotten my water, i may not have my flashlight or a knife, but by God I have my chapstick in my right front pocket!

  15. I want to mention my unnatural love of Aquaphor on my OKCupid profile because potential suitors should know what they’re getting in to.

  16. Sometimes I wonder if posts like this are thinly veiled advertising for products.

    Anonymous | 2/09/2012 06:02 am