Sing to me, O muses, of the joys of zero calorie cola…
Yes, I did just reference Classical Greek literature in reference to Diet Coke. Okay, so it might be a little dramatic to compare my beloved zero calorie soda to an ancient Greek hero. Diet Coke never fought at Troy or conquered a Cyclops, but let me assure that my love of Diet Coke is absolutely epic.
On any given weekday, I can drink up to three cans of Diet Coke at work and then up to three glasses of the same sweet potion while I’m out on the town. On weekends, I try to get one two liter to last me until Monday–and that rarely happens. I love the way it tastes like a hollow version of original Coca-Cola. I like the way it fizzes out of the bottle when you first open it. I adore cradling it in my arms like a baby as I carry it from my local convenience store back home. I still don’t know why the phrase “Diet Coke Break” exists because for me it is clearly a “Diet Coke Life”. Some people might call it an addiction; I call it sheer adoration.
What’s not to love? Its crisp, refreshing taste? Its healthy dose of caffeine? The fact that it comes in a can that reminds me of a silver chalice? Its heaping dose of caffeine? Its lack of fat or calories? Its heavenly dose of caffeine? The fact you can get it anywhere? Caffeine? Caffeine? Caffeine?
Look, I know soda is super unhealthy. I know it’s rotting my teeth and dehydrating my body. I realize that I am addicted to caffeine. I am fully aware that aspartame is a chemical and it may or may not be destroying my insides as I type this. Diet Coke isn’t perfect. The thing is you love what you love despite the flaws. You don’t listen to your friends or stuffy medical review boards. You follow your heart.
Some people’s hearts lead them to other human beings. My heart leads me to zero calorie cola. I want the world to know that I love Diet Coke.
I know I’m not Horace, but here’s my stab at “An Ode to Diet Coke” :
O, Diet Coke, you carbonated work of art You refresh and tease with your amazing taste. Every sip of you is sunlight to my heart. You are a treasure I would n'er waste. My need for you is love and not greed. My desire is pure and n'er obscene. My ardor is real; not a cheap online joke. So come to me now in my morning hour of need, Calm me down with your surging caffeine And be ever more my true love, Diet Coke.
I know. It’s probably time for me to drink some water and talk to some real human beings. I promise I’ll get on that. I’ll get on that right after I finish this can of my beloved Diet Coke.
Disclaimer: Coca-Cola did not pay the writer to write this. She is very poor, though, and would not object to being paid to talk about how much she likes Diet Coke by the people who make Diet Coke. Also, she does not want to be sued by the people who make Diet Coke because she is very poor and really just likes Diet Coke. In fact, it’s clear she probably has a problem. She would also like the people who make Diet Pepsi to know that they are cool, too. Wine is also cool, but that’s unrelated.