Teenage Wasteland

An Angry Hate Letter Towards Lice

Dear Lice Colony,

Congratulations. Yet again, you’ve somehow managed to sneak into our house via my little sister’s vulnerable head. Are you keeping count? I am. My sister has distributed her lice to our family probably half a dozen times in the last 2 years. I have to admit, you have become pretty creative with your way of coming to us. When you’re out of ideas, you usually get in through my sister Eva, because she still doesn’t understand that when you go over to someone’s house, you don’t lie down on their bed or use their hats or hairbrush. Although, you have come in through summer camps, from classmates; I think once you got to us from my swim cap. Regardless, you’ve really got to stop. Is it because we have luscious Foster family hair? Or do you really just enjoy pissing us off?

It’s not like anyone likes you. No one likes you. Everyone hates you. Including me. If there were a hate club towards lice, I would be the president. I just really hate you. I’m sorry if hate is a strong word, but saying that everyone strongly dislikes you would be an understatement. There is not a single person in the world who hears the word “lice” and thinks nice thoughts. Actually, there might be one or two people out there, but that’s why they have the show called My Strange Addiction. Plus, mental institutions.

Do you know what it’s like to have tiny, gross creatures crawling around in your hair? It’s not pleasant. Shocking, right? We keep having to spend hundreds of dollars to get treatments and specialists because YOU keep leaving your gross babies on our heads. Do you actually have a problem? Honestly, what is your problem? Do you think that you are doing a good deed by nesting inside innocent people’s heads? Not cool, man.

In conclusion, no one likes you. Plus, even if you rent out a hair-partment, you’re going to be dead within a week. The lice busters are going to get you.


Main image via ShutterStock

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