Am I Homicidal?

I have been struggling with bouts of depression since I was in junior high school. There’s no real shame in it – after all, everyone in my family is prone to it. It isn’t a “hush-hush” thing is all I’m trying to say. We practically sprinkle meds on our Activia! (No, we don’t!) But I have been on various medications in the whirlwind that has been my lifetime and none have really been that miraculous. For me, it’s the balance of therapy and medicine together that really does the trick. Yet in my busy lifestyle (going to bed early, waking up late), it’s very hard to find time for therapy and so I settle on meds and putting on a good face.

My situation is not as dire as I am making it sound; in reality, I am a chipper homebody with lots of hobbies and lovers. But the point is, I went to a different doctor today to get back on good ol’ Prozac. This new doctor was supposedly young, pretty and my parents said she was nice so I was super stoked to meet her. I showered, made flirtatious faces in the mirror, picked an “I’m depressed but I’m hot” outfit and hit the road! Boy, was I excited to meet this new doctor! Maybe we would turn into gal pals; or, maybe we’d see each other and immediately start hugging, crying and making out! All of these thoughts were running in my head a mile a minute as I sat patiently in the waiting room as though I was a normal citizen who was absolutely not wearing underpants from when she was thirteen years old.

Yet in the short fifteen minutes of talking to me, the gorgeous doctor asked if I was homicidal probably 4 different times. I was pretty stunned. I mean, I answered with a causal “nah” but in my head I was like, “Does this lady really think I’m homicidal and what the hell would she think if I said yes just to try to be funny?” which I came close to doing. I guess it’s standard questioning for a patient but this really got to me. I’ve been going to different doctors for anti-depressants since I could walk practically and she is the first one who has ever asked such an insane question over and over Also, if I was, why would I be confiding in her about it? She was so cold and acted like I needed a strait jacket. The repetition of the word “homicidal” haunted me as I plodded out of the doctor’s office into the parking lot where I waited for my mom to pick me up just like a homicidal maniac would! I recounted this to my mother, who was horrified. She took my side, of course, and we were both very confused as to why the accusation was thrown at me several times.

Hey, I’m a Catholic girl from Connecticut – the closest I’ve ever been to homicidal was when I thought about “killing” my first AOL screen name, which was “Charmgirl727”. And now this lady (who I thought of as a potential soul mate for probably about 15 seconds) was under the impression that I was capable of even thinking about killing someone. It is hard to find fault with her, though, when thinking about all the violence there is and how her question is actually relevant for anyone who suffers from anxiety and depression as I do. I just wish the question was not harped on so much so that it made me think about my own dark infatuations.  For example, I love Dean Koontz books and reading about serial killers. Also, I’m morbidly obsessed with Charles Manson and cults in general. For God’s sake, the last thing I watched on Netflix was Dahmer and I pray to the dark Lord, Satan, every single night! My point is that if this doctor wants to be my soul mate, she might want to try a different approach than “Are you homicidal?”

Am I right?

  • Meghan Champeau

    Relax, as a nurse in the mental health field – we have to ask everyone if they’re homicidal. It’s not an accusation, it’s your DOCTOR trying to figure out how to accurately treat you.

  • Andra Shannon

    I would have said, “Well, I wasn’t homicidal before, but now that you’re being obnoxious about it, yeah, I kinda want to murder you.” Okay, no, I wouldn’t have said that. But I would think it.

  • Erin Bigg

    I’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety and depression for a few years now, and I have never been asked that either. While I understand why she asked, I would freak out too if she asked me multiple times.

  • Christine Deaver

    Actually, you sound pretty awesome to me! Anyone with that good a sense of humor couldn’t possibly be homicidal- I mean, look at Dexter. Hot, but very little sense of humor.

  • Myrna Valadez

    I’ve been in that situation as well. It’s not so much that they have to ask, it’s that you’re just no prepared for such a question, I don’t think I’m ever ready to hear a question like that!

  • Lauren Nespoli

    I can relate to a lot of this post. I’ve struggled with anxiety (mostly social) and depression since high school too, although I have to say that the depression really hasn’t been a problem in years (People who I’ve worked with would describe me as someone who is “always smiling.” ) I don’t know if it’s a combination of therapy and medication or if I’ve made changes to prevent it or what, but whatever it is I’m glad I don’t have to battle with it as much!
    I’ve never been asked if I was homicidal though! I’ve definitely gotten the “Have you had any suicidal thoughts or ideations?” question a few times, to which I always answer, “No,” because I haven’t really, aside from the normal teenager, “Oh, I wish I was dead” thought occasionally when I was in high school but I never really meant it! I tend to put on the “I may have issues, but I’m still hot” outfit for doctors too, haha.
    I like how you described yourself as a “chipper homebody with lots of hobbies…” That’s definitely me! I’m not a big fan of going out a lot, but generally I’m pretty happy when occupied with hobbies at home. And I’m also a Catholic girl, who could never hurt someone else, even with words, without feeling super guilty! So, definitely no homicide plans here, haha. Although, when you mentioned those things at the end I realized that I do tend to watch a lot of crime shows/read books about it and shows about people who vanished, etc. Hm…
    Anyway, sorry this comment got long; I was just excited that I wasn’t the only one who thinks about some of these things!

    • Bridey Elliot

      Thank You so much! 😀

  • Ashley Entrikin

    Alright, coming from a person that battles depression on a daily basis, GET OFF THE MEDS. I could write an entire novel on what I’ve done to go from being a suicidal, sadomasochistic, nymphomaniac to a strong, independent single mother with a morbid sense of humor. It’s all in your head, and only ever will be. An inane and young doctor like that is not conducive to anyone, and I’ve been there with old and young. I’ve tried the meds, and the therapy, and whatnot. But in the end, it all comes down to YOU. Try writing (did you feel better after writing this article?), reading, a physical hobby, taking Vitamin D3 (it’s what you get from the sun that makes you happy :) ), fish oil, eating oats, and boosting your self-esteem every day. What do you like about yourself? What do you enjoy doing? What are five things you’re thankful for? I could go on, and if you’d like, I’m more than willing to listen :) I sincerely hope this helps, and don’t think you’re crazy! Keep up that sense of humor! It’s not easy, but nobody in my life ever said it was fair.

    • Bridey Elliot

      We are so much alike!

    • Bridey Elliot

      thank you for advice 😀

    • Ashley Entrikin

      Sure thing :)

    • Katie Jones

      This is so great to read. I’ve yet to truly seek medication or therapy myself, as I’ve had my own suspicions. I don’t have the knowledge to out-right say medication never works, but I agree that there needs to be a lot more effort coming from the “victim” to deal with the situation before she start putting chemicals into her body.

    • Rosie Young

      Hi, did you go to medical school? Or maybe you have an advanced degree in something like neuroscience? Actually, if you do that would make your self-righteous “advice” even worse because it would mean you should know better. It is extremely ignorant and potentially dangerous to actively encourage clinically depressed people to STOP TAKING THEIR MEDICATION without knowing thing one about their situation. K? Thanxbai.

  • Aileen Lonegan

    I work for a psychiatrist and just asked him if he ever asks his patients if they are homicidal. He has been practicing for 33 years and has never asked that. He doesn’t even ask if they are suicidal during the initial appointment unless they give him a specific reason to ask.

    Sorry you had to go through that! Was your “I’m depressed but I’m hot” outfit a trench coat and combat boots? Because then I could understand her thinking.

    • Bridey Elliot

      see? it was creepy, right?! I aint crazy!!

  • Melanie Bianca Jäger

    wow, i have been diagnosed with anxiety and ocd a few years ago and have been in therapy.
    the doctor didn`t ask me if i was homicidal but he said something that has been even worse in my opinion… one of my fears was that something would happen to my mom and that she would die, and he said that i keep fearing that because i actually inside want that to happen…!
    and i can assure you that this isn’t true!!! of course i told him she gets on my nerves sometimes, but which 18 year old isn’t bugged by their mom once i a while!!?? that doesn’t mean i want her to die! i was so angry and felt so bad! i know it’s not true, but still he made me feel like shit.
    the sympthoms were gone nonetheless but unfortunately came back and now i have discovered i have depression, but i kinda refuse to go to therapy and i’m trying to work on it myself, the way ashley is saying but it’s really hard and i don’t know where to start…

    • Bridey Elliot

      I strongly believe in therapy, depression sucks especially facing it on your own. If you find the RIGHT doctor (someone who does not accuse you of wanting your mother to die) you will benefit. Always keep an open mind. We all have to face our demons everyday and realize how much of our pain and happiness is really in our own control. One day at a time, girl. xox

  • Melanie Bianca Jäger

    it was creepy and you sure ain’t crazy!

  • Cindy Martin

    Okay this is a tough one. When you listen to the tv they have all kinds of warning on medications, side affects. Some pills can cause suicidal/homicidal effects. My son had a good looking doctor, listened, gave him meds, but she gave him other things to think on to get away from the dark side. So what does he do now? He’s in Crossfit, exercise has been the best thing for him, eats right, doesn’t drink, with all the work he’s put in the exercising he doesn’t want to go back to the depression. You just need to set goals, and like I always say, just smile, you know yourself better than anyone…

    • Bridey Elliot

      Great advice, healthy exercise is so important to balance out stress.

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