It is official. I am being held captive by The Hallmark Channel. Actually, it’s been fairly obvious since the weekend before Thanksgiving when I accidentally (sometimes things happen) watched three holiday movies in a row without ever leaving my bed. Since this fateful day, my productivity has easily decreased by 300% but, I really can’t say I am all that sorry about it. It may be a sick addiction and it may be preventing me from experiencing the actual joy of the season, but rather than tear myself away from the television to join the real world, I settled in for a long winter’s movie marathon, carefully examining all the ways I wish my life was like a Hallmark holiday movie. ‘Tis the season, right?!
1. Let’s just skip right to the heart of the matter. All Hallmark holiday movies take place between Thanksgiving and Christmas and it is a well-known fact this is the most magical six weeks of the year. If I could live my entire life during this time period, I absolutely would. Sure, I would have to give up my birthday, but my mom always says I love Christmas so much I should have been Mrs. Claus. Since I am not married yet, I haven’t given up on this notion and if there is a chance I can snatch up this coveted spot, I am willing to give up my birthday, as well as the other 10 months of the year.
2. Like Velveeta (and this line I am giving you right now) holiday movies are the cheesiest, especially those of the Hallmark variety. If you ask me, there isn’t enough “cheesy” in the world anymore. Everyone is so serious and stressed and leave little room in their life for the magic of a moment that could be considered corny or cliche. Our kind seems overly worried that people will mock their cliche acts. I say bring on the cheese and mock away! Like Iris Simpkins said, “I like corny. I’m looking for corny in my life.” Cheesy and cliche, corny and predictable, these moments make people smile; holiday movie characters are forever crying happy tears. I could ramble on about this topic for days but the bottom line is, my preferred brand of life is Velveeta.
3. There is always a truly adorable guy to compliment the leading lady. Compliment is the key word here. When I stray from The Hallmark Channel, I tend to dabble in seasonal films like Love, Actually or The Holiday, as referenced above. From the latter I also plucked the quote, “You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for God’s sake!” I am pretty good at the leading lady part, but if my life were a Hallmark movie, I would also have the ever-prominent, complimentary leading man. The Hallmark holiday hunk is the best kind of on-screen infatuation because he isn’t celebrity-status-unattainable-hot, but rather regular-everyday-might bump into him on the street corner-most popular guy at the frat house cute. Sometimes, the directors and producers are even kind enough to put two of these adorable creatures in the same storyline. When this happens, one, if not both, are vying for the attention of the main character who, in real life, would be yours truly. These are the best films, often highlighting a holiday battle for the love of the leading lady, which I find leads to the most magical holiday happily ever afters. In any light, there is never a lack of super lovable, handsome men, and who out there is turning that away?
4. You might be thinking that you don’t know any regular-Joe, attainably-cute men and the ones you do know aren’t working to win your heart (honestly, me too). First, this is exactly why we are examining the reasons life would be excellent if it were a holiday movie. Second, I am about to throw a little reality your way. I have seen three movies to date, the best one featuring Joey Lawrence (duh), during which the leading lady we admire hires someone to play her boyfriend or fiance for the holidays. I don’t actually know anyone who has done this, although I hope to meet someone who has someday, but I can recite a long list of lovely ladies who have considered this act at least once in their young adult lives, myself included. In retrospect, the deed was never done because I always imagined it playing out in more of a Craigslist, axe murderer scenario, which seriously cancels out any of the benefits. Here’s the thing though, in Hallmark holiday movie world, the hired lovers are the furthest thing from the Craigslist killer. They are truly adorable, meeting all the criteria listed above, with the ability to charm the pants off not only their fake-turned-real love interest, but her family as well. As such, I am revisiting the idea of hiring someone to come home with me for the holidays in hopes that they may fall madly in love with me and my crazy, quirky, Griswold-like family, subsequently marrying me. Check back next year for an update.
5. Speaking of happily ever after, I have yet to see one of these movies end in anything less than bliss (and as discussed, if it has been televised, I have seen it.) Hot cocoa, snow, a perfectly decorated tree and, on a good day, an engagement all await us at the end of every two hour time slot. “Hallmark Holidays” have the ability to one-up even Disney in the fairy-tale department; they take the traditional love story and holiday-ize it. You just can’t compete with that level of perfection and happiness.
6. We all know hot cocoa, love and perfectly timed snow are a serious combination that present immeasurable joy. However, let’s not forget the happiness a good afternoon buzz or a New York style pizza can bring. It is safe to say that 75% of the time, at least one member of the holiday movie cast is besties with the local bartender, pizza parlor owner, or restauranteur. This obviously presents nothing but opportunity for maximum holiday spirit. What can I say? I like to eat and I rarely turn down a drink. I believe only good things can come from these types of friendships on-screen and in real life.
7. Perfect timing, hunky holiday loves and happily ever afters are clearly important, but now for the most vital factor of all: Santa. Santa Claus himself is in at least half of the famed Hallmark Holiday movies. Quite simply, I would like to thank him for the many years of joy and excitement that he has provided. There is also the chance that, if he was around in my real life, I would get to visit the North Pole, act as one of his elves, ride in his sleigh or marry his son, putting me next in line for the role of Mrs. Claus; all things I have witnessed happen to others during my movie marathon. In addition, while I still harbor a strong belief for the jolly man in the big red suit, I also have a few questions about some things he failed to leave under my tree over the years. I have yet to be greeted with a “Hey girl, it’s Christmas morning. Merry Christmas.” from Ryan Gosling (in pajamas that match mine, obviously) nor have I opened a large package to reveal a guitar just as Adam Levine walks in the door to play my favorite holiday songs. Needless to say, Santa being in my real life on the regular is just a good opportunity to pay him the gratitude he deserves while setting the record straight for years to come. We all know he holds all the power of the holiday season and it’s good to have connections.
All in all, the beauty of the Hallmark holiday movie truly resides in the carefully calculated combination of all of the above, which sucks you in and leaves you with very little chance of believing that your holiday season will end in anything less than perfect snowfall and unexpected love. I say go with it; if you can’t be a little delusional during the holidays when can you? If you happen to meet Santa before me, send him my way.
Happy Holidays to all! Enjoy every bit of the season, on screen and in real life!