All Growed Up

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Something happened the other day that shook me to my core: I found a grey pube. The good news was that it actually didn’t end up being mine. Long story short, my dog has coarse white hair that can look pube-esque and through laundry and other innocent means, it somehow ended up in the vicinity of my lady parts.

Although it was a false alarm (at least that’s what I’m telling myself so I don’t jump off of my one story house), it made me start to put my life under the microscope. I’m in my thirties, y’all. I’m sure that may come as a surprise to most people since I know all the words to every Taylor Swift song, watch Teen Mom religiously, and text the letters OMG on a regular basis, but it’s true. I’m an adult woman who owns the same shirt as Selena Gomez (I saw it in US weekly) and doesn’t know what a 401k is (some kind of cleaning spray, right?). It’s time for me to grow the heck up!

Now, I’m not going to go out and buy a mini-van and start watching NCIS, but I do need to start taking a few baby steps into the adult world. I hear it’s fun there; they have good health care and nice bedding. Here are a few simple things that I, and other stunted adults like myself, can do to get our crap together and make the transition.

– Eat Better- My friend John says I eat like I’m always at a six year old’s birthday party. My favorite foods are Golden Grahams and Jolly Ranchers, and though I’m sure there is some real fruit in the latter, that is not an acceptable meal. I need to start eating some actual vegetables. I’m not saying those vegetables can’t be doused in cheese/cream/a sauce to cover vegetable-y taste, ‘cause a vegetable will still give you all those good vegetable nutrients even if you can’t see it through all the yummy breading.

– Read the News- And PEOPLE magazine is not the news. Yes, there’s always some story in there about Afghanistan, but it usually has to do with a soldier’s favorite chili recipe. I’m talking about news that doesn’t come next to an article about a parrot that surfs. I need to know what’s going on in the world because real adults always seem to. I vow to pick up the newspaper every day. That doesn’t mean I won’t turn to the entertainment section first (‘cause if something new is going on in R Patz’s life, I need to know), but eventually I’ll make my way to the meaty stuff.

– Balance my checkbook OR get regular oil changes in my car- The reason I say OR in that statement is that I can’t possibly expected to do both of those things, I’m no miracle worker. Balancing a checkbook and remembering to get oil changes every few months are very time consuming adult responsibilities and if I try to do too much too soon, I fear the whole thing will fall apart.

-Stop using the word “like” so much- I use it like all the time, it’s like ridiculous and it makes me sound like my parents didn’t spend like half their life savings on like my very prestigious like college education. That also goes for the words dude, stoked, and chillaxing (or am I the only one still using that word?)

– Stop shopping at Forever 21(except on Halloween when you’re going as a slutty referee or something)- Okay, this one may be the hardest for me. I love Forever 21; they have cute clothes made by underpaid immigrants at low prices. But contrary to what the name of the store says, I am NOT forever 21. In your thirties it’s harder to pull off a look that includes a shirt that says “troublemaker” matched with boy-shorts and suspenders. You just end up looking sad and maybe homeless.

If I can just adhere to all of these new life rules, I will be on my way to living a somewhat adult life. And when I DO eventually find a real gray pube one day, I won’t freak out, I’ll handle it like an adult…and wax the whole damn thing off so I can look really young.

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