I’ve never been an athletic person. In fact, all through middle school and high school, I was the only child who was able to get below an A in gym class (not because I was lazy but because my arms were noodles and running for long periods of time turned me into a cantankerous hag, which I tried to avoid). As a result, my interest in the Olympics teeters on the edge of jealousy as I’m forced to watch world-renowned athletes get championed for extraordinary abilities that I will never be able to have.
Which is why I propose a new Olympic category, one reserved for everyday challenges that us regular people have to struggle with. It will be called “Ordinarlympics” (AKA “ordinary Olympics” for those of you who aren’t skilled at word-blending like I am) and it will consist of non-athletic activities that are extremely difficult. I mean, if Ping Pong counts as an Olympic sport, so should some of these.
Keeping Sims Happy Long Enough for One to Successfully Propose
During the Sims, when I’m not starting house fires or locking passer-byers in doorless rooms, I’m usually trying to keep people satisfied long enough to create a lasting relationship (which proves to be nearly impossible without using cheat codes). “I’m tired. I’m lonely. Invite someone over to talk to me. Wait, why did you just invite Tom over? Didn’t you hear me? I’m tired! I don’t want to talk to anyone.” This is the never-ending conversation I have with every Sims character that eventually turns my 5-minute Sims game into a 10-hour yelling match with my computer screen. Fitting a successful proposal into a Sims high-maintenance schedule requires finding two Sims that are happy at the same time and actually like each other, which is sort of like falling into a pile of winning lottery tickets next to a herd of golden, flying unicorns that can talk. Anyone who can gets a gold star in my book.
Finishing Oregon Trail
Even when I set the leader as the doctor and bought 30 oxen, I was never able to fully complete Oregon Trail and I haven’t met anybody who has. I’m starting to think the whole thing is a conspiracy because if the heat didn’t kill anyone in your wagon, one of the game’s many obscure diseases did. The closer my outdated Mystery Machine got to the destination, the more catastrophes seemed to arise. Anyone who actually won this game deserves a medal. They must also send me a screenshot of the end because I refuse to believe it until I see it.
It is not until you see a cute guy at a social event do you realize how creepy you can actually become. Facebook, more than a platform to connect with past acquaintances, is a tool for stalking and can be very effective if you know how to use it.
Friend: I saw this guy at Starbucks the other day that goes to my school and I wanted to see if he’s single but his Facebook page is on private.
Me: Well, just go to the Facebook pages of one of his friends, go through their photo albums until you find a picture that he’s tagged in and then you can get to his page that way. It totally works!
Friend: Um…sure… I gotta go… *runs away*
Learning the ropes of Facebook stalking requires a great deal of practice in order to uncover the hidden loopholes in the system. (To the select few that are still reading this and have not reported me to the authorities for being creepy, you’ll be receiving my friend request on Facebook momentarily.)
Being a Girl
Why wasn’t I briefed as a fetus on all the responsibilities I would have as a female? Because if I was, I think I would have second-guessed being born altogether or at least prepared myself better for what I would have to deal with in the future. For example, let’s say you’re getting ready for a night on the town with your significant other. First, you must choose a fashionable outfit that is not too bold or too reserved. Then, you must shave the exposed skin areas accordingly (armpit, legs, your entire head but only if your first name is Britney and your last name is Spears) in order to not seem like some furry, wild beast that decided to wear a dress. Eyebrows must then be plucked to the right shape. Makeup must be applied in the “just right” amount to avoid looking too plain or too clownish.
And that is all just for a night out. When or if you eventually get pregnant, all of those responsibilities double in extremity as you are forced to lug around the parasite growing in your stomach. Now, why do the Olympics have a “Shot Put” category where people have to launch heavy objects through the air but not a Being A Girl category when women have to carry that same heavy object IN THEIR UTERUS while it’s kicking and stretching and sucking the life out of you? I don’t see how any of this is fair.
So maybe I can’t throw a ball or shoot a perfect “Robin Hood” but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be included in the Olympics because there are plenty of everyday activities that require just as much skill. “Ordinarlypics” will bring the attention back to us regular people and show the world it’s okay to be extraordinarily ordinary.
Image via The Telegraph