A.sk Ross is where I, Marissa A. Ross, answer questions you ask me. Keep in mind I am simply a girl who’s been through a lot & has acquired some wisdom along the way. I own no certificates proclaiming my word is law, so please don’t take it as so. If anything, take my advice with a grain of salt and a pinch of optimism.
My father passed away from a hard battle with lung cancer just over a year ago. I was 22 at the time, madly in love with him, and didn’t imagine in a million years that a bomb like this could ever be dropped on our family. He was (and still is) the rock in my life- he was intelligent, loving, a man with amazing morals, fun, social, caring, kind… I could go on forever. He was everything I aspire to be.
My heart is broken. Up until he was diagnosed, I had been blessed with a beautiful life. I never had any real troubles or hardships. We were living happy. Since this happened, and since it’s unfortunate & tragic ending, I feel like my life has changed entirely. I don’t know how to pick up the pieces.
I want nothing more than to do the things that would make him proud – finish up with university, find a job that I love and that keeps me financially stable, support my mom and my sister (emotionally and in any other way they could need), and fall in love with someone who makes me indescribably happy. But I am stuck. I am stuck on the why’s and the what if’s. I have had an amazing circle of support. My friends and family have been so wonderful to us. But, I am driving myself mad with anger and confusion. I don’t know how to go about accepting this reality, and moving on so that I can be happy.
I really want to come out of this, without feeling like I’m not addressing the situation and leaving it unfinished. Any thoughts? I desperately want to be happy again. What can I do so that I don’t feel like I’m disrespecting the situation by moving on from it, while also focusing on making things better for myself, and for my family?
Please help. I would appreciate any advice that you could give me.
K, from Los Angeles
My deepest condolences to you and your family. I am so sorry you are having to deal with such a tragic event, but I promise, if you want to be, you will be happy again.
First, you have to give up on the why‘s and what if‘s. These questions have no answers, and will end up driving you insane. When you catch yourself falling into these traps, you must find the strength to be thankful for the time you did have with your father. It sounds like he was a wonderful man who loved, supported and inspired you. This is more than many will ever have in a father. Although it may be hard to see it right now, you are very fortunate to have had a relationship like that.
You really need to let yourself grieve. This takes time, patience and strength. Let yourself feel everything, and hold nothing inside. Stifling your feelings has incredibly negative side effects, and hinders you from healing because you aren’t letting go. With each emotion you experience, recognize it, accept it, and release it. By taking these steps, you are expressing your emotions in a healthy manner, and giving yourself the opportunity to grow from them. It is when people refuse to let themselves grieve that the healing process is stopped. Hate to get all metaphysical, but by not letting yourself express the stages of grieve, you are stopping the flow of life inside you. You’re cutting yourself off not only from your pain, but from your growth and recovery. It is not easy, but I’m telling you: recognize, accept and release. In times of hardship, I have found journaling is an excellent way to go about this process.
In time, your anger and frustration will fade, and only love will be left. Use that love to do all the things you want to do, and to have faith in the world around you. Like I said, you are very lucky to have had such a lovely father. Let that fortune give you strength and hope.
You are not disrespecting your family if you recover from this in a healthy manner. If you continue to recognize, accept and release your feelings, you will be able to help your family do the same and be a source of strength for them as well as yourself.
You have a long road ahead, but it sounds like you have a great group of people to support you. Don’t forget they are there, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Be strong and know that no matter how confusing life becomes, you can always take the steps to make sense of it and grow from it. I have my utmost faith in you, and wish you and your family the best.
What’s your stance on friending (on Facebook naturally) someone post hook-up encounter? I recently was visiting my best guy friend in another state and we went out one night with his best friend, who happened to have several of his friends from out of state visiting. One of the friend of a friends of a friends (whoa) and I hit it off pretty well (you know what I’m saying) but never got to the part about exchanging numbers. Now I happened to have found him on FB, I’m really good at that, but we have no mutual friends. Would it come completely out of left field for me to friend him and be weird? Or should I just let the good times stay in the past?
If you want to add him on Facebook, add him on Facebook. The worst thing that could happen is some dude in another state that is a friend twice removed from your friend denies your request.
Personally, I’ve found that adding people you’ve hooked up with on Facebook never really amounts to anything good. You should ask yourself why you want to add him. If you think there’s some chemistry there you want to pursue and you have no other means of communication, sure. If you’re just being nosy, then keep your requests to yourself.
In high school, there was a boy in homeroom who I had a lot of mutual friends with. I never really thought much of him except as the goofy kid who also has an equal love for How I Met Your Mother but was always too interested in video games to pay attention to girls. So fast forward two years later in college, where somehow we have wound up in the same circle of “home” friends. Whenever I go home, he’s always around! Now this is something I’m not complaining about, because I’ve developed a little bit of a crush on him. He seems to have grown up – I can’t help but be intrigued by him and his story. I’m not sure if it’s something worth pursuing or if he’d ever really even be into me…but here’s the problem… I am just crippled with silence whenever I’m around someone I’m mildly interested in! So I can’t even allow my wonderful self to shine through and show him how awesome I am. It’s really quite frustrating! With anyone else I can easily razzle-dazzle them with my (usually) confident personality, but stick him in front of me and I just run out of things to say or get choked up with nerves. I talk a confident talk but I cannot walk a confident walk. Or I guess in this case it’s other way around? Okay bad use of an overused phrase but – please help a girl out!
Mute around Cute (guys)
If you can razzle-dazzle everyone, you can razzle-dazzle dudes. You just have to get past this anxiety you’ve built up for yourself. You probably say this to your friends and yourself all the time: “I can’t talk to guys. I choke up.” You need to just stop that this instant because you are just reaffirming your anxiety. By reaffirming it constantly, you are reinforcing the anxiety and giving it more power. Next time you catch yourself saying something like that, stop, and say, “I can talk to guys.” Because you can.
You probably have some racing thoughts and minor heart palpitations when you’re actually in a conversation with a guy. Know that whatever your crazy thoughts are that are making you scared to be your confident self are not true. They’re just not. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I’m sure none of it is conducive to your self-esteem. You’re probably worried about impressing him, but seriously, just quit that while you’re ahead. Be yourself and have full confidence in it, because you know you. You know you have a sparkling personality. If he doesn’t like it, that’s his loss.
It sounds like you already have a friendly rapport with this dude, so I don’t doubt you will be able to get over your uneasiness in no time. Unfortunately, as cliché as it is, you just have to start doing it. It sounds like you two have similar tastes in television, so start there and move to movies or music. Just take it slow, remember to breathe, and know that you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person. Even if you come off like a dweeb, you will be being yourself, and if he’s the right guy, he’ll love you for you, nervous dweeb and all.
Everyone, please love the nervous dweebs we all have inside ourselves. When you accept your inner nervous dweeb, it’s a lot less likely to freak out in important situations and embarrass you. And even if it does, like I said, the right person will love your nervous dweeb along with the rest of you. I know this because I am about 67% nervous dweeb at any given moment, and have somehow made it work.