A.sk Ross About Meeting Men & Being A Crazy Ex With A Facebook Password Marissa A. Ross

A.sk Ross is where I, Marissa A. Ross, answer questions you ask me. Keep in mind I am simply a girl who’s been through a lot & has acquired some wisdom along the way. I own no certificates proclaiming my word is law, so please don’t take it as so. If anything, take my advice with a grain of salt and a pinch of optimism. Have a question? Email me at A.skRossNow@gmail.com.

Hi Marissa,

I am 28, and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I have had guys who’ve wanted to “hang out” for a few weeks or even months, been put on the back burner, and have been told I’m the marrying kind, not the dating kind. Guys have told me I’m intimidating, act too smart and too confident, and my mom tells me I need to be more flirty and vulnerable. I’m perfectly willing to believe that these things are at least partly true. But I think the real problem is that my experience has been with “guys” and not MEN. I know I’ve got a lot going for me, and relatively little to complain about, but I’m really lonely and just want to be loved! Nothing wrong with that, right? I just don’t want to settle for what I’ve been willing to in the past.

I’m currently in my final year of grad school in a small town, and am really sad that I’m still at a place in my life where beer pong remains on the agenda at parties. All the single guys in my program still want to go on these huge benders every weekend; they can’t just have one or two drinks while engaging in an interesting conversation. They live in trashed houses piled with two week’s worth of dishes, food caked on the counters and floors, knee deep in pizza boxes and cans of Natty light. They would rather have one night stands with giggly undergrads than seek out meaningful relationships.

So my question is this: where are all the men? Where are the men who would rather take a woman out than get blind drunk 3 days per week? Where are the men who are happy to leave their college and frat days behind and act like the adults they are? Where are the men who can hold decent conversations about current events, music, books, film, television, and culture? Where are the men who want to take me on dates, not just “hang out”? I’m moving to L.A. for work after I’m done with school in a few months, and I hope there are at least a few good men there! But how do I find them? My hobbies are pretty feminine and pretty solitary– pilates, reading, writing, crafting, singing. So I would love recommendations on how to find fun-loving, mature, stable, kind, engaging, dateable men out there. Please help!

- Meredith

Look, you don’t need to be anything other than you are. What you do need to do is look beyond your campus. If you keep fraternizing with boys in class, you will continue to end up at keggers. Just start saying no to that stuff. It’s a waste of your time and energy. The first step to finding a good guy is cultivating good energy within and around you, and these boys are keeping you from doing that. In fact, they’re probably manifesting more unhappiness in your life so just quit them. I know it seems counterproductive, but focusing on yourself and making yourself happy will attract more happiness.

Secondly, you need to move outside your comfort zone. Your hobbies isolate you, so you’re going to have to pick up some new ones. Maybe add some cardio to your pilates routine and join a gym. Pick up a membership to a local museum and attend their social functions. Sign up for a writing workshop. You just need to get out into the world and put yourself in a position to meet someone who has similar tastes as you do.

Or ask a friend. No really. Do it. Nearly everyone I know (myself included) has met their significant other through mutual friends. You’re a 28 year old girl, you must have other 28 year old girlfriends who aren’t party animals. At first, they may not think they know any. But just start attending social functions with them that don’t involve Flip Cup and you may be surprised at what you find.

Also, reevaluate your criteria. Maybe you only go for “super funny guys” or “George Clooney circa 1991 guys”. Go for guys who respect you first and foremost. You may not be initially the most attracted to them, but they may end up sweeping you off your feet by treating you how you deserve to be treated.

The fact of the matter is, what you’re doing is not working and unfortunately, men do not just fall out of the sky. You have to mine for them, like gold. It’s tedious and a lot of work, but when you find someone who gives you the kind of affection you want, it will all be worth it.

In a nutshell: 1. Stop giving immature boys the time of day. 2. Work on being happy just on your own. 3. Explore new options. 4. Read this article I wrote called 8 Tips To Start Dating Smart From A Girl Who Used To Be Dumb At Dating. 5. Be patient. 6. Believe.

Also, don’t be discouraged when you get to Los Angeles. It’s… difficult. But just keep working on being happy and you’ll eventually find someone who makes you happy too. Promise.

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Hey Marissa!

I really need to know if I should delete my ex-off of facebook. We dated for 4.5 years and then he straight up dumped me out of the blue, because he wanted to “experience single life”. We were long distance (just 2 hours away) for the majority of the time and we had plans of being together after graduation next year. And by being together, I mean that I was willing to move wherever he needed to go, because I was a great freaking girlfriend. So, the biggest problem is that I have his Facebook password and no self-control. Basically, I go on it everyday and see if he is making moves on this new girl he likes. So, I’ve become a bit unhinged and I need to get it together. Advice?

- A.B.

You nailed it! You need to get it together. Stat. At first I thought you meant deleting him as your friend, but after reading this I am concerned you are thinking of deleting his account. You need to delete him as your friend most definitely and please for the love of all things sane, do not delete his account. You may have been a great freaking girlfriend but you are now a psycho ex-girlfriend.

I doubt you want to contact him and tell him to change his password, so you are going to have to learn some self-control. Listen dude, I’m sorry, but he’s not your boyfriend anymore. As much as that hurts, it’s the truth and even if you were still his girlfriend, going through his Facebook is downright unacceptable. You are in the wrong here. A broken heart doesn’t give you the right to disrespect someone’s privacy.

I suggest telling a close friend about your self-control issue and have her be your safety net. Call her whenever you feel like getting insane and have her help you get a grip on the reality of the situation (AKA that going through his personal business is wrong). I would also suggest substituting hacking into his account with an activity, like writing. Write down all the things you’re upset about and why in this moment you want to hack into his Facebook. Also try removing yourself from the situation. If you find yourself about to go through his stuff, take a walk.

Do whatever it takes to get yourself out of that negative headspace because this behavior isn’t only disrespecting him but it is incredibly unhealthy for you. Constantly checking up on his life is prolonging your recovery process and turning you into a crazy person. Even if you see he is moving in on a new girl, what good will it do knowing that? All it will do is hurt you and probably induce some psychotic-ex reaction you will eventually regret. I know you’re not really a crazy person but you’re driving yourself insane doing this to yourself! You just have to stop! Nothing, I promise, nothing good will ever come out of you invading his space.

This is up to you. You have to make a choice to be stronger than your pain, anger and insecurities. It is a really hard thing to do but you have to. That kind of negative energy will eat you up. You are strong enough to move past this. Just make the choice here and now to be a better person and move on.

As for the moving on, check out my 8 Steps To Beat The Break-Up Blues. Good luck and remember, you can do it.

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  1. Great article! And I re: Meredith, take solace in the fact that there are a huge number of 20-something fellas asking “where are all the women?”

  2. one of my new favorites!

  3. This is some great advice on both fronts. I’ve found myself in bad places re:Facebook stalking exes, but I shook my way out of the head space after a few weeks and found it was so, so much easier to move on and feel good about myself once I’d blocked myself from checking on them. I’d go from constantly obsessing about them to literally thinking to myself suddenly, in surprise, “wow, I haven’t thought about him in so long I’d almost forgotten he existed until now.” That’s such a great feeling, especially when the block is self-imposed! I still fall back into checking on twitters/etc. occasionally out of curiosity, but what I find doesn’t bother me or even interest me the way it used to.

    As far as the first question goes, I’m out of college recently and dating better has become a big topic on my mind, given all the failed sort of relationships my friends and I have gone through in college. I’ve decided from now on, I’m going to be upfront about what I want and what’s acceptable, and if the guy I’m dating isn’t okay with that or think it’s a turn off I’ll move on before I get attached. Too often I think we become afraid of asking for what we want, and just sit around hoping he’ll decide he wants it too. In the meantime, we get attached to the idea that the perfect relationship will happen! No more. I’m not interested in sort-of-dating men who have several girls on the back burner and call them “friend,” who have to use nicknames because otherwise they’ll call you by the wrong name (has happened to me), or who only take you out long enough to get into your pants. If they’re scared off by the big relationship talk, they’re too immature to even date casually, and aren’t looking for anything more than a distraction. I’m not saying I want an instant relationship, far from it, but what other end game are you dating someone for?

    • ” I’ve decided from now on, I’m going to be upfront about what I want and what’s acceptable, and if the guy I’m dating isn’t okay with that or think it’s a turn off I’ll move on before I get attached. Too often I think we become afraid of asking for what we want, and just sit around hoping he’ll decide he wants it too. In the meantime, we get attached to the idea that the perfect relationship will happen!” — NAILED IT!!!

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