A.sk RossAbout "Inner Psychos" & ForgivenessMarissa A. Ross

A.sk Ross is where I, Marissa A. Ross, answer questions you ask me. Keep in mind I am simply a girl who’s been through a lot & has acquired some wisdom along the way. I own no certificates proclaiming my word is law, so please don’t take it as so. If anything, take my advice with a grain of salt and a pinch of optimism. Have a question? Email me at A.skRossNow@gmail.com.

Dear Marissa,

As a fellow woman, I’m sure you can appreciate the phenomina of intelligent, confident females suddenly becoming irrationally pathetic puddy in the hands of a guy they’re attracted to. I have found myself prey to this recently as my mind is racing a mile a minute and the urge to word vomit all over the place is steadily growing stronger. Whatever it is that is evolving between me and this guy in my life is very new and I don’t want all of my questions, fears, and doubts scaring him away. Have any tips to keep the inner psycho from leaving her straight jacket? I am in need of some sure fire ways to distract myself from doing something incredibly stupid; please and thank you.

C.W.

Hate to break it to you, but you don’t have an inner psycho. You’re simply a normal person who is entering a new romance and it’s a little scary.

In new relationships, everyone is always so caught up on what to do or not do, what to say or not say. It’s really strange– and pretty manipulative– because you stifle your true feelings to try to keep someone around. I say word vomit all over the place because that’s you being honest. That is what you want to do and you want to be with someone who wants to be with you, not the edited version you craft out of what you think they want. Besides, what happens when you guys start seriously dating? Are you going to keep editing yourself? The more you edit yourself, the harder it is to be the real you, so my advice is to just not do it. Love unabridged, ya’all!

The questions, fears and doubts you’re scared of scaring him away will if you don’t take care of them. These are stemming from your own insecurities and you need to address them. If they are not addressed, they will ruin your relationship. If not this one, another one. Since you were really vague, I don’t really have any specific advice besides figure out the root of these feelings and independently address, express, release them. This will take work, but it will be worth it.

Just have fun and don’t worry so much, dude. You don’t need to control things or worry. Just be yourself, enjoy your new company and see where it goes.

- – -

Hey Marissa,

So I have a rather complicated situation I would like your advice on since you are an outside source. I have a friend I really enjoy hanging out with and just being friends with. On a friend compatibility scale, she and I are like 10 of 10. We even read each others thoughts more than should be allowable. On a good day, we’re like best buds. However, there is a bit of a stitch when it comes to this friendship. You see, she is currently in a relationship with my ex. If it were JUST that I could probably handle it, but there’s a little more to this story so I must backtrack to get better advice. Me, my ex, and this friend lived together for about 8 months after she had broken up with her douche of an ex. So before everything, I was already friends with her. To forgo the details, my ex had two girlfriends at one point. Yeah, I know, not the smart way for me to go. But I was stubborn and not willing to let go. Well, jealousy turned me into a monster and most of the time we lived together I was a super b$*#@. Eventually I had enough and they moved out. After several months of no contact, she and I started talking and hanging out again. This brings me to the situation I’d like your advice about. As much and I enjoy hanging out with her, I think I still hold some hostility and resentment against her. At least I like pushing her buttons and driving her insane. If I may use some psychological lingo, my subconscious seems to hate her while consciously I really enjoy being friends with her. So my brain is very confused about what to do. How can I change my attitude toward this friendship when I’m not really sure how I really truly feel? I really want to be friends with her, but I don’t want to keep pissing her off because I have random flare ups of resentment. What say you, Marissa A. Ross?

You say you’re not sure how you truly feel, but you do. You’re angry. People who aren’t angry don’t drive their “friends” insane on purpose. Right now, you are toxic. You are toxic to yourself and you are toxic to your friend. You are continuously putting yourself in situations where you are hurting and lashing out. Not cool at all. Ignoring all the craziness of your past with your friend and the noxious living situation, the bottom line is you need to make a choice. You either need to forgive her and be this girl’s friend or move on because it’s obviously unhealthy for you both.

At any rate, you can’t continue like this. It is not fair to either of you. It’s easier to hold on to your resentment, rather than face it head on and let go of it, but that is exactly what you have to do. If you want to change your attitude, forgive her. Take some personal time to isolate the sources of your anger and address them. I’m a big fan of writing everything down, but do what works for you. Not sure if you guys have spoken about these issues before, but you may also want to talk to her about it.

When you start to feel your resentment getting the best of you, take a big breath and remember she’s a human that makes mistakes like everyone else. Remember you care about her and you are committed to forgiving her because you value your friendship. It’s important to commit to forgiving her and be consciously aware of your feelings. Be mindful of your actions and live in the now. Yes, you have a painful past, but don’t let it ruin a promising future.

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  1. I had something similar to this, someone I considered my best friend in the world slept with my boyfriend of 6 years (at the time, now ex) while I was in the house. We were all friends, and she actually had a little crush on him, she told me later. However, I still tried to be friends with her after it happened, because she was truely my best friend but we’d have fights and disagreements, which we never did before that. It got harder and harder, and funnily enough, she stopped being friends with me because she still felt guilty (a year later) and couldn’t handle it. I haven’t talked to her in almost 2 years, and sometimes I do still miss her. But I do forgive her (I think the time apart was good, it let me get over it and let go of the anger and hurt); we won’t ever be friends, but I wish her the best. But I think the most important thing is figure out how you feel and do what’s best for you.

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