A.sk RossAbout How You Shouldn't Be A Jerk To Try To Get Girls & A Few Other TipsMarissa A. Ross

Dear Marissa,

I’ve seen this trend in women. They are attracted to men that treat them very poorly. For some reason, saying complimentary things to females is far less effective than ignoring or insulting them. I’m not being glib when I make this assertion. It’s something I’ve observed repeatedly in my 28 trips around the great ball of fire in the sky.

When I was younger, like late teens early twenties, I adopted this effective posture as it was the only eat I could keep a woman’s attention. Unfortunately, it lead to a seven year marriage to a woman that was unsuited to be my spouse.

I’ve been separated for a year and just finalized my divorce on Thursday. I’m not saying that I want to get involved with anyone again so soon, but any attempt that I’ve made to try to garner some female attention has been batted away. I thought that women would have progressed from my earlier years, but when I’m complimentary and ask them to dinner I don’t even get rejected, I get no response.

I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I’m honest and open with women, and I can carry on a conversation about pretty much anything.

I know women are attracted to me, they stare in the good way at me. I don’t wan’t to resort to being an ass to women to keep their attention. I just don’t have it in me to keep that facade up anymore.

I really want a girl that’s attracted to my mind and not just my looks. When they find out I’ve got both qualities, I think they assume that I’m up to no good.

I could really use some female perspective on this.

Sincerely,
Douglas

Here’s the thing about the whole “women like men who treat them badly” thing: it’s a lie. Some girls actually believe they do like jerks, although that’s not why they like it. They don’t like men who treat them badly because they like men who treat them badly, they like men who treat them badly because they have low self-esteem, some media fueled complex about “bad boys” and/or don’t know any better. What you boil down to a science from 28 years on Earth, I boil down to people have issues.

Women and men alike have issues with the opposite sex. These issues are from our childhoods, our parents and our general experience with life. Unfortunately, many times these things cause patterns that people don’t realize they have to break. Something has to happen for them to take a chance on what they aren’t used to.

Let me give you an example. For me, I was very much into butthead musicians– usually lead guitarists or singers because they have huge egos like my father. They would treat me terribly, tease me relentlessly (much like I had been all of my school-years by boys) and I would adore them to pieces. They’d ignore me all day, never take me out unless it was a show and would inevitably break my heart. This happened a lot. Until one day, I let myself like a nice guy. He was so nice! He treated me like a queen, gave me the perfect amount of compliments, talked to me every day, made an effort to take me out and inevitably broke my heart. But that’s okay! Because after I broke my pattern of being treated like dirt, all I wanted were guys that treated me nicely!

I digress. Anyway, yes, this technique worked in your late teens and early twenties. Of course it did. At that age, girls are usually still trying to figure everything out from the traumatic teenage years. Just because it has worked, doesn’t mean it’s right or that you should fake it to get girls. It may still work sometimes. I’m not going to lie, in fact, it may work more often then my advice in the short-term. But in the long-term, that’s the lamest thing ever! I know tons of guys do it, so let me say it again: being a jerk to get girls is lame! You don’t want girls dating you for what you aren’t! You want girls dating you for what you are!

The only rule to successful dating is honesty; being honest with yourself and the opposite sex. If a girl doesn’t like your advances full of honest compliments and date invitations, then whatever. She wasn’t for you. That’s how you roll and she wasn’t into it. Sorry. Yep, it sucks, but I promise you a girl that is for you will like that stuff. I’ve said it a thousand times and you’ll never be able to stop me, but you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person. And you want a girl who likes those things– compliments, dinner invites, your interest. You want to date someone who wants your attention as much as you want theirs.

I’m really sorry about your divorce. It’s going to take a long time, and you’ll meet a lot of brats along the way, but I promise, you being you is the best chance you’ll have at finding someone truly compatible for you to date. Don’t stop being nice because one girl out there will love it. She will treasure it. And just think if you met that same girl and pretended to be a jerk, she may be disgusted by you and then we’d just have to turn it into some Matthew McConaughey-Kate Hudson joint.

I highly suggest reading my dating tips in detail, but here are a couple other tips I have for single guys:

Don’t lay it on too thick. That can scare us. Hey dude, yes, thank you, I realize my hair is the shiniest in the room but you don’t have to say it fourteen times in sixty seconds. And please, do not touch it.

Don’t think you’re going to find a girlfriend in a bar. Go do activities that interest you and find someone you can talk to about more than what’s on the jukebox. Also, this buys you some intro time, maybe some laughs, and a much better chance of a date. Girls are already weary of bros in bars so look outside the box.

Chivalry is hot. Such a true story. Who doesn’t like good manners and to be treated like a lady? Don’t let it die! Pick a girl up to take her to dinner! Please! DO IT FOR OUR CHILDREN!

Call us. Everyone texts, so stand out in the crowd. Don’t call every day or anything, I mean, they invented text for a reason. But call us every now and then, especially for things like dates. And for goodness sake, please do not Facebook message us with anything you’re serious about because that just makes it a joke.

Smile. It’s warm, it’s welcoming and it relaxes us both.

Don’t get discouraged. Don’t let a couple of girls ruin it for the rest of us. I didn’t give up on the whole male species because of eight or so butthead musicians now did I?! Now I just don’t date buttheads! So nice guys, please, stay optimistic, honest and open. You’ll be fine, without being a jerk.

Bonus tip: listen to this new Mondo Boys mix from Aquarium Drunkard. I don’t know how many girls this will impress besides me, but it’s worth a shot.

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  1. Thanks Marissa, this made my day.

  2. Good advice…although I would say that guys shouldn’t automatically discount any girl they meet in a bar, either. The ‘hit it and quit it’ mentality of meeting people in in these settings is easy to assume — not that I’m against that kinda stuff, be young live life etc — but that doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to meet a girlfriend-worthy lady drinking cocktails with her friends on a Thursday night. But of course it is best to proceed slowly/with caution if this does happen, and not immediately invite her to your place afterwards ‘for a cup of chai tea’ or something.

    • Yeah, I agree. It’s definitely possible but I think it’s more the exception, rather than the rule. Probably should haven’t been so definitive, I just find that most people default to bars and then get bummed they’re not finding love.

  3. Love this because it’s so true. And Doug, it’s equally hard to find guys who appreciate looks and intelligence. That’s probably why I am still single. Call me.

  4. Word. Especially on the “Don’t lay it on too thick” rule. Thats the biggest mistake I see the nice guys do. That will scare off most girls. I can be totally into a guy, and aan overload on compliments both overwhelms me, and unevens the “balance of power”. Yep. You guys know what I’m talking about.
    All in all though, agreed.

  5. TRUTH.