A.sk Ross About Getting Over Feeling Ugly, Seeing Exes & First Kisses Marissa A. Ross

A.sk Ross is where I, Marissa A. Ross, answer questions you ask me. Keep in mind I am simply a girl who’s been through a lot & has acquired some wisdom along the way. I own no certificates proclaiming my word is law, so please don’t take it as so. If anything, take my advice with a grain of salt and a pinch of optimism. Have a question? Email me at A.skRossNow@gmail.com.

Dear Marissa,

I’m a confident person, that’s mostly because I chose to be completely oblivious to anything that is said about me. However, I’m a senior in high school, and I’ve never had a boyfriend, or even been kissed. I honestly thought it was because I was ugly (I am rockin’ glasses and braces), but I never cared because [hairflip, eyeroll] who really needs boy trouble. Recently, I’ve realized I’m not ugly, in fact a lot of people find me pretty, but not attractive. I’d like to have at least been kissed by the end of high school, so how do I get over thinking I’m ugly/take hold of this new found beauty to captivate a man?

NOT Drew Barrymore, though I’ve NBK

I think not realizing you’re pretty until later in life is the best thing that can possibly happen to you, although getting out of the thought patterns you’ve created your whole life while thinking you’re “ugly” is not an easy task. But that’s really all it is: breaking the habit.

Pay close attention to your thoughts. Contrary to popular belief, you can control your thoughts. Next time you catch yourself thinking negatively about your physique, stop yourself and replace it with something good. It can be anything from reminding yourself you have pretty eyes to complimenting your own outfit. It doesn’t matter as long as it’s positive and that you are aware that you don’t have to think negatively about yourself. Eventually, the patterns will fade and you will find yourself naturally accepting that you are a pretty girl.

This takes time though. Don’t think you’re going to look in the mirror tonight and be like, “I am pretty!” and then feel that way for the rest of your life. Your brain has been processing information a certain way for years and that isn’t going to just go away. It’s going to be work and there will be serious times of self-doubt, but don’t give up. Remember you’re retraining your brain and you can’t run a marathon after a week on a treadmill.

I also recommend doing things that make you feel pretty. Do your make-up your favorite way every day or wear your favorite dresses. Do whatever makes you feel good to reinforce the work you’re doing mentally. Real life example: I’ve been wearing flats for the last five years. I know it’s not true, but every time I looked in a mirror I felt short and stumpy. Last month, I bought myself a really comfortable pair of high-heeled ankle boots and they have seriously improved my self-image by three fold! I wear them every day! My boyfriend thinks I’m insane but the confidence I feel from wearing something that makes me feel pretty does wonders for my mental state, so why the hell not?!

Captivating a man, I’ve found, isn’t so much about being pretty though. It’s more about being confident. I think the fact you weren’t confident in your looks made you insecure and probably held you back in some ways. If you can meld the confidence you have in the other aspects of your life with confidence in your looks, finding boys to kiss won’t be an issue.

And also, don’t worry about kissing someone on a timeline. I know right now it seems important, but it’s not. What’s truly important is you coming into your own and accepting yourself as you are. Now, that is real beauty.

Dear Marissa,

You see it all started about 2 and a half years ago. I was introduced to this great guy that later became my boyfriend, and I’ll go ahead and say it he was the best boyfriend I’ve ever had; level headed, responsible and sweeter then a cupcake. The problem is a guy going to school full time and working full time does not have much time for a girlfriend, so a year and a half later it ended. It didn’t end on bad terms and it felt more like a see you later then a goodbye. Now over a year later since the break up, I’m having a hard time moving forward.

I’ve dated a little bit, but never did I take any of them seriously. It has been a constant where I start to forget the feelings he made me feel and just when this happens he calls me. We speak for hours as if nothing ever happened and all those old feelings come up again until the next time. About two weeks ago we met up went to a bar had a couple of drinks and ended up in a familiar situation. We’ve seen each other a few times since the breakup and nothing like that has ever happened. I’ve also had the opportunity to see his Facebook page and it seemed like his actions since the break up have been incredibly innocent. I don’t know if i’m supposed to cut him out of my life because it feels like we still deeply care about each other, please help me with some perspective!

Jenn

There is a faction of people that believe that once you’ve broken up once, you’ll never be able to be back together. For the most part, I also believe this because for the most part, people don’t change. Usually breakups are over emotional issues or character defects that affect the relationship and can’t be resolved. Time restraints on the other hand, are something that can change.

If he’s a good guy who has always treated you with respect and consideration, I don’t think you should cut him out of your life. Not every ex is a bad person! Only like, 75% of them. Unless you’re leaving out the part where he cheated on you with his best friend, I say go for it.

Dear Marissa,

So about a year ago I had my first kiss. He was a friend of mine who I had had a crush on for a while, but I hadn’t really seen any signs that he liked me like in that way, that is until he kissed me and started complimenting me like crazy and talking about how pretty I was, etc. I was pretty nervous and giggling a lot, which he picked up on and later asked me if it was my first kiss. I lied and told him no because I was too embarrassed (I’m in college!). Anyways, much to my dismay, nothing materialized between us and we didn’t even kiss again, even though we texted for a while after. Now, we haven’t talked at all in about 8 months. So, my question to you is: if I see him again (we go to the same school and have a lot of mutual friends), should I tell him that he was my first kiss? On the one hand, I feel like it would be nice to get it off my chest, plus it would explain why I “made a big deal about it”, which is what he told a mutual friend was the reason why we stopped talking. But on the other hand, I’m wondering if it’s just beating a dead horse and there’s no point? Also, I’m still attracted to him, so in my twisted mind I’m thinking that telling him the truth could make him want to start talking to me again. Please tell me if this is completely crazy?

L

You’re not completely crazy, you’re totally normal. I think that if you get into a natural, organic conversation and it comes up, yeah sure, tell him he was your first kiss if it’s going to make you feel better. Do I think it will really make you feel better? No. You explaining why you acted the way you did is not going to change the fact he was a jerk to you. Unfortunately, this is how most of your kisses will go. Your twenties will be riddled with dudes who kiss you and don’t talk to you again. You will pine for them and want to “explain” yourself, thinking that this will make him like you again.

The thing is that never happens. You may think it’ll work because they may kiss you again but it will just end in this same downward spiral of you thinking you did something wrong.

You didn’t do anything wrong though and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself. First kiss or not, if he was a good guy who cared about you, he wouldn’t care how much you giggled. My best advice is to just forget about him. He’s not worth your time. Also take solace in the fact that this is just about the same way my first kiss went down. Guys are weirdos.

comments

Please help us maintain positive conversations by refraining from posting spam, advertisements, and links to other websites or blogs. we reserve the right to remove your comment if it does not adhere to these guidelines. thanks! post a comment.

  1. I’m curious to find out what blog system you have been working with? I’m experiencing some small security problems with my latest site and I’d like to find something more secure. Do you have any suggestions?

  2. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 25. It caused me great anxiety as a teen/young adult that I’d never been kissed. After the kiss, I went on to date a handful of guys until I met my husband. Now, that “weird” fact of my life is no big deal at all.

    As for Jenn, it’s ok to cut good guys out of your life if you’re having a hard time getting over them. In the future, maybe you’ll realize you’ve moved on and can maybe be friends again. But leaving the option open just keeps you in limbo. (Been there, done that.)

  3. Not Drew Barrymore’s letter made me wonder for a second if I’d gone back in time and wrote to you from the age of 17 without realizing it.

    I was surprised to realize how many stunningly gorgeous and brilliant women I met in college hadn’t ever had a relationship in High School (some get through college without one too–but that may have been more common at my almost all female college than most). It’s quite normal and has nothing to do with how beautiful and/or generally awesome a girl is, sometimes a person you fit with just doesn’t roll around until later.

  4. As always, your words are wisdom! I wish I could have had all this amazing advise when in high school and college… but it’s never too late, as it is never late to say Thank You!! :)

  5. I could so relate with L, I to experienced my first kiss in college and thought it was a huge deal but I have come to realize exactly what you said. “Your twenties will be riddled with dudes who kiss you and don’t talk to you again.” But Marissa I love how you ended this “Guys are weirdos.” :)

  6. Great column, as always, although my advice to Jenn would be a little different. I wouldn’t say cut him out of your life altogether, but it sounds like he’s making it hard for you to move on by calling and chatting for hours, going out for drinks, etc. He wants to have it both ways (not date you, but still have the pleasure of your company), and that’s not fair to you. I think if he wanted to be with you for real, he would. I’m sorry if that’s too harsh! But I think it’s better to just let him go and move on.

    • You’re so right. I was taking the perspective that he DID want to date again, in which case, I think he deserves another chance. If he’s just trying to have his cake & eat it too, then definitely move on. Thanks for your input Meredith!