Now that Thanksgiving’s over and I’m probably fifteen pounds heavier than I was two weeks ago, can I air out my laundry list of pregnancy complaints and ailments? Seriously, I think I’ve been pretty good for a twenty-eight-week stretch as it is, and now’s the time I feel I have to just unload about the biggest of my aches and pains of pregnancy.
1 – I feel like my spinal column is severed halfway up my thoracic spine. Really, I do. I feel like there’s a crack somewhere in important vertebrae and no amount of Thermacare heat wraps, lounging, or heating pads are doing me any justice. Also? When I lay on my left side (which EVERYONE suggests), the lateral muscle on the left-hand side of my spine cramps. And I mean cramps.
2 – Rolling my ass out of bed no less than four times a night to travel downstairs (!) to pee is really getting old. I don’t so much mind the constant getting-up, because I’m a light sleeper to begin with, but it takes me a good thirty-five seconds to haul myself over and up and out of bed each time and I grunt like I’m sixty while I’m doing it.
3 – One of these times when I go on a maniacal laughter bender, I’m going to wet myself. Seriously. I feel it coming. There’ve been instances where I thought – for sure – that a good cough or chuckle would send me into incontinence, and I have no doubts whatsoever that, sometime over the next twelve weeks, I will end up peeing myself. And that? Well. That is just gross. And inevitable.
4 – If the woman at Starbucks – the same woman, that is, as in the same woman every time – keeps asking me if I want decaf instead, or half-decaf, I’m going to scream. Lady, I get that you’re trying to save my kid from having ADD or whatever, but I promise you – three grande lattes a week are not going to do much damage, and your thinly-veiled judgement is only annoying me.
5 – My boobs are big enough now that they’re interfering with the way my shirts normally fit. This is especially problematic, because I’m not very well-endowed to begin with. No, so that means when my boobs grow to epic proportions, it throws off my balance, and I’ve got boob tissue just hanging around everywhere: closer to my clavicle than normal, on my sides, near my armpits – boobs for days.
6 – The waddle is more and more exaggerated every day. If you don’t know what the waddle is, well. I don’t know what to tell you about that.
What were your major pregnancy-tail-end ailments?