The Pregnant Lady's Perspective A Week (Who Am I Kidding) of Complaining Sarah Spangenberg

Now that Thanksgiving’s over and I’m probably fifteen pounds heavier than I was two weeks ago, can I air out my laundry list of pregnancy complaints and ailments? Seriously, I think I’ve been pretty good for a twenty-eight-week stretch as it is, and now’s the time I feel I have to just unload about the biggest of my aches and pains of pregnancy.

1 – I feel like my spinal column is severed halfway up my thoracic spine. Really, I do. I feel like there’s a crack somewhere in important vertebrae and no amount of Thermacare heat wraps, lounging, or heating pads are doing me any justice. Also? When I lay on my left side (which EVERYONE suggests), the lateral muscle on the left-hand side of my spine cramps. And I mean cramps.

2 – Rolling my ass out of bed no less than four times a night to travel downstairs (!) to pee is really getting old. I don’t so much mind the constant getting-up, because I’m a light sleeper to begin with, but it takes me a good thirty-five seconds to haul myself over and up and out of bed each time and I grunt like I’m sixty while I’m doing it.

3 – One of these times when I go on a maniacal laughter bender, I’m going to wet myself. Seriously. I feel it coming. There’ve been instances where I thought – for sure – that a good cough or chuckle would send me into incontinence, and I have no doubts whatsoever that, sometime over the next twelve weeks, I will end up peeing myself. And that? Well. That is just gross. And inevitable.

4 – If the woman at Starbucks – the same woman, that is, as in the same woman every time – keeps asking me if I want decaf instead, or half-decaf, I’m going to scream. Lady, I get that you’re trying to save my kid from having ADD or whatever, but I promise you – three grande lattes a week are not going to do much damage, and your thinly-veiled judgement is only annoying me.

5 – My boobs are big enough now that they’re interfering with the way my shirts normally fit. This is especially problematic, because I’m not very well-endowed to begin with. No, so that means when my boobs grow to epic proportions, it throws off my balance, and I’ve got boob tissue just hanging around everywhere: closer to my clavicle than normal, on my sides, near my armpits – boobs for days.

6 – The waddle is more and more exaggerated every day. If you don’t know what the waddle is, well. I don’t know what to tell you about that.

What were your major pregnancy-tail-end ailments?

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  1. My pregnancy seemed so easy compared to the countless horror stories everyone shares….up until about a month ago (i have about 8 weeks left). Now it’s constant back, hip, and rib pain, breathlessness, and exhaustion. Can I just pop her out already, please?

  2. My boobs were big to begin with and they have already gone up a size…..I am only 13 weeks! I am going to look like Dolly Parton before this is over. I am praying this nausea will leave in the next couple weeks too!
    Bellyquestions.wordpress.com

  3. Oh yeah. You will pee on yourself eventually.

    About about 35 weeks or so, I started to have AWFUL pelvic pressure and pain. As it turned out, with no early contractions, at 39 weeks I was already dilated 4 cm. Also, I couldn’t sit or lie down without feeling uncomfortable so I was always switching.

  4. So funny but so honest! I’m 23 weeks and Lord have mercy if this waddle gets any worse (which I’m sure it will). Plus I’m a laugher, always have been, but it sucks having to curb my enthusiasm for fantastics jokes and moments because I’m scared I’ll pee myself. Lastly, I’m SICK AND TIRED of sleeping on my gosh darn left side. I’m developing the oddest pains because of it.
    I’m so happy you wrote this because nobody ever Publicly complains about pregnancy rearing it’s ugly head. Kudos.
    P.S. I love my new boobs :)

  5. Wow!! I am only at 11 weeks and thought morning sickness would be the death of me … I may have misjudged this … seriously misjudged … I already sleep with a bunch of pillows & get up every hour and a half to 2 hours to pee all night long … glad I have more to look forward too!! Great post! Made me smile!!

  6. Oh my god that is hilarious! I am only 17 weeks and 2 days right now so I guess this is what I have to look forward to! Great read and super funny, I love the sarcastic reality of the aches and pains of pregnancy. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies;) Thanks!

  7. Oh geez I lost my rant because I wasn’t logged in!! But it basically said I loved reading this!! I’m only at 21 weeks and I feel like I’m in my final weeks. Is it horrible that I get happy when I see another pregnant woman who’s gained more weight than me? I seen the trailer for What To Expect When Your Expecting and I laughed and teared my butt off! I definitely recommend watching the clip of Elizabeth Banks in the beginning it will make you feel better every time :)

  8. It seems like my belly is growing my 5 inches every single day, so more often than not, I am knocking into things with it: The shopping cart, the doorknob, my desk, the corners of hallway walls… Its a sad surprise when you realize you’re much larger than you think you are :[ Also, the constant night time flipping & pillow fortress is on my list too!

  9. It seemed like I had to flip sides in bed every 30 minutes near the end. This was made entirely too difficult by the fact that my husband and I slept in a full size bed and my belly was HUGE! I had to pick it up and roll on my elbows. Then rearrange the fortress of pillows I had to keep my head elevated to alleviate heartburn, keep my hips apart, support the belly, etc…
    Sometimes I really miss being pregnant haha!

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