A.sk Ross is where I, Marissa A. Ross, answer questions you ask me. Keep in mind I am simply a girl who’s been through a lot & has acquired some wisdom along the way. I own no certificates proclaiming my word is law, so please don’t take it as so. If anything, take my advice with a grain of salt and a pinch of optimism. Have a question? Email me at A.skRossNow@gmail.com.
I know this incredible guy who is the cousin of my best friend, and he himself is one of my very good friends. We spend a considerable amount of time together around our other friends and we get along quite well. My question begins here, though – I have been what you could call in love with him for about the last year and a half. He’s hilarious, amazingly talented, so kind, and it’s nearly impossible to find a bad quality he possesses. He and I love the same things, we hate the same things, I’ve always enjoyed talking to him, and I never find myself wondering why I think he’s so great. My problem is this — about six months ago, I told him how I felt (albeit it was under tipsy circumstances). But, we did meet to have a (sober) conversation about what I had told him, and he basically said he “has always cared about me as a friend”, and “I can’t reciprocate your feelings”. But, he also said that none of that is to say that no feelings or relationship will develop in the future. I’m letting go of the hope of a relationship with him, and I am genuinely happy and grateful to be so lucky to have him as a friend, although sometimes, it’s so hard. Sometimes I imagine in my head myself telling him that I just can’t go on seeing him if I can’t be telling him how much I love him all the time. I also imagine that giving him such an ultimatum would be a great catharsis, even though I know the way it would play out in real life would be the least desirable outcome. My ultimate question is this – how can I find the strength to remain only good friends with him, and will this ever become less painful? I just sometimes feel like I’ll never love anyone like this again.
Ah, yes. The guy friend that is perfect for you in every way except the fact that he doesn’t want to be with you. I know this dude, too well.
First of all, no ultimatums. You already told him how you felt, he told you how he felt. If anything had changed, there would be nothing to hold him back. If he wanted to be with you, he would.
The strength to remain good friends with him lies all in the gratitude you have for your friendship. You have to consciously practice putting more value on the friendship than the romantic possibilities. Check out some of these gratitude tips I wrote about recently. You can easily apply them to your situation. The point is, you just need to break your habit of getting upset about him not wanting to date you, and get stoked about how you have such a great friend. You need to create new thought patterns for yourself. This won’t solve your heartbreak right away, and it won’t be easy, but if you want to keep your friendship, you have to do it.
If you find that that is impossible to do, then you should probably start phasing him out of your life a bit. I’m not saying cut him out completely, but definitely spend less time with him. It sucks, but if you really can’t move past the romantic inclinations, then don’t continue to put yourself in situation that makes you miserable.
And although it seems like the end of the world, I promise you will love again. This is just one dude. The world is filled with dudes! Ones that are handsome, funny, and love all the same crap you do! I promise you will love someone again, and you will probably love them a lot more because they will love you back. If you don’t believe me, just know five years ago I was in your exact situation and now, I love someone a thousand times more than I’ve ever loved anyone, including that dude I swore I’d never love anyone more than.
I was planning on returning to the city and living with two friends, a guy and a girl, for 2 weeks until I could move into my apartment. I always figured my guy friend had a thing for me, but I always made it blatantly obvious that our friendship was very important to me and I was never interested in him like that. The other day, my girl friend told me that during the two weeks I’ll be there, she’ll be gone on vacation.
I didn’t think it would be an issue just living with my guy friend. However, we talked the other day, and he confessed his feelings for me. He said that he wasn’t expecting anything to happen, that he was okay with me staying there, but he wanted to clear things up, and make sure I knew what I was “getting myself into.” Although he didn’t specifically say it, I have a feeling he might be uncomfortable with me being there.
I don’t know if I’m just over thinking the whole situation, but I feel like if I stay there, it will seem like I am being rude and brushing aside his feelings, which is not the case at all. I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship– but I really need a place to stay.
It sounds like he probably is okay with you staying there, and is also uncomfortable with you staying there. Can you blame him? Put yourself in his shoes. He probably wants to continue being your friend, but at the same time, he probably adores the hell out of you. But he didn’t say you couldn’t stay or he didn’t want you to, so you’re not being rude or brushing aside his feelings by going ahead with your plan. If that’s how he ends up feeling, then that’s on him. Fools need to learn to be honest.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t be considerate of his feelings. Don’t be running around his house in your underwear, don’t bring boys over, that sort of thing. I would just be respectful of him and his space, and try to just maintain the level of friendship you guys have always had.
Although, because I was raised by a paranoid mother and also watch a lot of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, I just want to ask you some questions. Does he have a drinking problem? Does he ever get violent? Does he ever freak out and stab people? Anything like that? If so, don’t stay with him. You probably just crushed his ego a bit, and I don’t want him attacking you in your sleep. I’ve had many situations with friends who are dudes that get wasted and forget boundaries. I just don’t want that happening to you, and I don’t know this dude that loves you, so I just want to play it safe, ya know?
He’s probably not like that and I’m just showing off all my shades of crazy, but whatever. I care about my readers!
Definitely get yourself a back-up plan. Things could get weird and you may need somewhere to go. If the situation does get awkward, address it. Tell him he needs to be honest with you because you want to maintain your friendship, and if you being there is making him feel uncomfortable, you can leave. It probably won’t come to that, but it would just be terrible if something unsavory went down and you had to hit the streets without anywhere to go.