An Ex once told me I was impossible to read.
I’m generally a cheerful person. I’ve never been one to just burst into tears. I’m not a yeller and never really have been. I suck at fighting, so I just… don’t. I often turn my anger into sarcasm, but my sense of humor is sarcastic, too, so… there goes that. Most people would tell you that I’m usually smiling but in truth, my mouth just sort of falls that way. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. Happy, sad, scared, angry: a quick glance at my face and I bet you can’t tell the difference.
With my pokerface (note: I actually stink at poker), I can see how someone might have trouble sussing out my mood. But… impossible? Hey, I may not be the most externally emotive person on the planet, but let me share with you a tip: look down. Look at my shoes.
Look at my shoes, not just because I love my shoes and I’m happy to show them off to anyone who is looking down, but look down because my shoes directly correlate to my day’s emotional state. Here’s a quick breakdown:
Happy = ballet flats.
Something ultimately girlie and bright and colorful, yet comfortable considering I want to ensure happy continues throughout the day and is not replaced by sad, an emotion triggered by blisters. If I’m wearing flats, you’re totally going to get a $2 tip on that $3 coffee, Mr. Barista, because today I feel as pretty as Angelina Ballerina.
Contented = top-siders.
Loafers, deck shoes, boat shoes… call them what you will. If I’m wearing my brown leather, worn-in, forever-old top-siders, all is well and good in the world. Now’s the time to ask me to do that favor, because when I’m wearing shoes that remind me of breathing in sea air on a seven-day Tall Ship excursion, I’m probably going to say yes.
Angry = black, knee-high leather boots.
Not gonna lie: my black leather boots are take-no-prisoners. If I’m wearing them, throw me some Midol, nod, smile and then kindly get out of my way. And whatever you do, don’t cut in front of me at the grocery store. It’s so not going to be a good day for either of us if that happens.
Depressed and/or sick and/or exhausted and/or all of the above = monkey sock-puppet slippers.
(Occasionally and not so coincidentally worn around the same time as angry’s black, knee-high leather boots.)
Warning: if I’m wearing my monkey slippers, I am most likely sipping camomile tea from the largest mug in the world and watching BEACHES. Now is not the time to bring up anything emotional, confrontational and/or show me an ASPCA/Sarah McLachlan commercial.
Optimistic = No. 6’s signature clog open-toe weave with sling, wedge.
Granted the name includes more variables than my ex-boss’ drink at Starbucks, but these wedges are quite possibly the most amazing shoe that I own. When I wear them, I feel as though I can confidently walk all over New York City and, yeah, pretty much the rest of the world, too.
Energetic = white and hot pink running shoes.
If I’m wearing these, I’ve probably slept a solid seven hours and thus I’m probably a powder keg of energy and you should probably keep me away from coffee and sugar. Probably.
(Note: in said shoes, I may also be returning from gym, and thus my shoes may also be associated with emotional states angry, depressed and/or optimistic, see above)
Scared = my 3″ stiletto platform heels.
An odd choice, you’d think, right? See, here’s how I rationalize: whatever’s got me flipped out worse than hearing the theme to Unsolved Mysteries probably pales in comparison to the threat of falling in 3″ stiletto platform heels.
Is it weird that I play Jedi-mind tricks on myself?
Anxious = completely destroyed and over-worn UGGS.
I’ve had these babies since 2004. I know, I know, buy new ones, but I just can’t. These boots have been through no less than three quarter-life-crises, a multitude of breakups, hundreds of lazy weekends, a number of awesome vacations, an equal number of crappy times, lots of sand, sun and snow, and somehow – battered and bruised – they’ve made it through it all.
If I’m wearing my UGGS, something is completely freaking me out and these boots are basically acting as my non-prescription Xanax.
that girl who owns it = 4″ platform, wedge, suede, lace-up booties.
My absolute favorite pair of shoes in the entire world. When I wear them, I feel like an alter-ego of my self. I take smaller steps, walk straighter, notice more, and light the sidewalk on fire.
…I might start handing this list out to guys I date.
image via me, (my happy shoes)