TO: UNDISCLOSED RECIPIENTS; ELF MAILING LIST; NORTH POLE STAFF
SUBJECT: VACATION INFORMATION AND A THANK YOU
I wanted to send this note as a thank-you for all of your work over the past couple months. I know integrating our new Naughty/Nice List database has been hard, but it’s about time we took the office paperless.
I want to tell you all how much I appreciate your help in making the new toy prototypes as requested, as well as dealing with my last minute anxieties over getting to every chimney on time.
My therapist says that it’s just anticipation fears, and that you all help assuage them. For that, I am quite thankful.
Mrs. Clause is continually up mine about cholesterol levels, so this year, instead of going to the Carribean so I can suck up all the margaritas that I never get to drink because I’m too worried about December deliveries, we’re going to Canyon Ranch. It’s a bit of a departure, but I’m getting older and I’m now on Lipitor, so it’s important for my own health and for your peace of mind. Also, Mrs. Claus says that if I deny her the special mud wrap for one more year, she’s going to divorce me.
I am going off the grid for the next two weeks. I’m not checking my email, so please direct all of that to my assistant and our Head Elf of Operations, Helga. If you really need to reach me, you can leave me a voicemail.
I’m also not going to be using any social media, so if one of our social media interns could maintain that in my absence, that would be fantastic.
A few housekeeping matters and feedback from yesterday:
- Next year, in my work with Michelle Obama, we’re planning on switching from cookies and milk to soy milk and kale. This wasn’t my choice, but keeping within the American president’s initiatives aren’t a bad idea. (Our partnership with NORAD has been invaluable, and Barack does run the Air Force.)
- I need a new translator for next year’s gifts in Sweden. I accidentally told a child this year something that roughly translated to “your parents hate you,” because hate and love in Swedish are apparently one letter off. Please post a job listing as such.
- Blitzen, you really overdid it with the early squats pre-delivery. I’m well aware that yes, I am getting heavier, and children are requesting more crap than ever, but to have your leg spasm when we hadn’t reached Canada yet is really, really annoying.
- Whoever thought it was amusing to cover my sleigh in post-its and pictures of LolCats – it’s not. We’re launching a formal investigation, and that elf will be fired.
- Also – Save your drinking for after Christmas next year, elves. We have work to do, and I had to remove three drunk elves from hammering their fingers.
- There will be a refrigerator cleanout today, please remove your old cold cuts and Fage from the fridge. And whomever left that three-week-old Reindeer sandwich needs to speak to the housekeeping elves.
- There’s been a lot of talk about austerity in recent years. Even though things are tight right now, we’re going to give everyone bonuses. The penguins, instead of cash (no posable thumbs), will be getting special whitefish flown in from Brooklyn.
- We will be postponing our holiday party until my return. The theme will be naughty and nice, but please, show some restraint. I’m not interested in a repeat of last year’s garter belts and a certain elfin pair behind the woodworking table.
Santa S. Claus | The Office of the North Pole | 1223 North Pole Ln | +00.000.000
Originally published on MeredithFineman.com/blog.
Image via Shutterstock