If you’re anything like me, your New Year’s Resolutions list include the same failed items every year
- Lose weight
- Keep my personal space clean
- Keep up with shaving my legs so as to avoid the lengthy process of the deforestation of my shins when I let things go hippie-style for a couple weeks.
- Be more confident
Well, this year I’m not trying so hard. Last year my sole goal was to be “The Boss Bitch of 2k11″ and I believe I halfway succeeded. Am I, in fact, the Boss Bitch of 2k11? Not quite — but the goal is vague enough that I can list my accomplishments for the year and designate them as proper Boss Bitch realized dreams.
This year, my New Year’s Resolution List is shaping up to be infallible. I will not only succeed at every goal, I will surpass it. In roughly 366 days, on our next New Year’s Eve celebration, I will feel so much better about myself for completing these depressingly easy goals than actually working towards a better me:
- Pet at least 1 new dog a month.
- Watch 5 hours of Netflix Instant every three weeks.
- Keep up with the Kardashians
- Run so late for work that I have to put my mascara on while driving.
- Don’t get pulled over while putting on my mascara while driving.
- Paint my nails at least once a week. Ignore the older women who look at my glitter and solid color combo nails with disdain while remarking that my fingernail polish is, “…interesting”. It’s not their fault that they’re old and don’t understand that nail art is how young women express themselves now.
- Sleep in past noon at least once a month. During those days, ensure I do not change out of my pajamas until well after sunset. At which point I will promptly put on new, clean pajamas.
- Wear my sunglasses that are embellished with the images of $100 bills on the frames (The Money Stunners) more often. When the inevitable compliments roll in, neglect to mention that I got them from an arcade.
- Buy vitamins with the intentions of taking them.
- Do not get angry at self when I do not take the vitamins.
- Be the Boss Bitch of 2k12
New Year’s resolution pic via ShutterStock