We’ve received complaints about your behavior again. Despite numerous warnings, you continue to bring your parrot, William, to the 7:15am daily meeting. As you know William’s squawking disrupts your fellow associates. On several occasions he has actually blurted out company secrets as well as inappropriate song lyrics.
Additionally, last Thursday you went out to buy candy, which is not in your job description, and came back in a Superman costume. This is a clear violation of our company’s dress code and will not be tolerated. If you need a suggestion for proper business attire please consult Tony in the mailroom. He is a snappy dresser.
I know we’ve discussed this before but the sculpture that you made out of the entire supply closet, while beautiful needs to be taken down. Last week the receptionist was trying to get a pen and a label maker fell on her head. Would you like a label maker to fall on your head? Please dismantle the sculpture and put the supplies back in their proper locations.
Furthermore, we need to talk about the chinchillas you are raising and slaughtering in your office. Not only does this violate our company’s no pets policy, you have been using our Fed Ex account to ship the chinchilla scarves you sell on eBay. While we recognize your right to have a business on the side, you may not use company time and resources to raise and slaughter chinchillas. The cleaning staff was never able to get the stain out of the carpet in Conference Room B. Please dismantle your cages and make other arrangements for the chinchillas by EOD.
Finally, when you go on vacation your out of office message should be specific to the projects you are working on. “Eat Me” does not let others know whom to contact in your absence.
It seems to me that you don’t like working here very much. Unfortunately nobody does, but that doesn’t mean we walk around in our underwear and mark our bodies with printer toner when we feel like we are on “the war path.” One more incident like that and we will no longer allow you printer access.
If your attitude does not change soon you will be on your way to a Tier 1 warning. Need I remind you that Tier 1 warnings are often accompanied by spankings and/or a ban on all company mandated birthday celebrations? With the exception of “Company Crazy Day,” please leave the manic behavior at home.
featured image via Erin Brown.