My love. My life. My iPhone.
I love you every hour of the day. Every minute. Every second. No, seriously – Every. Single. Second.
If I could, I would keep you in my hands forever and never put you down. In fact, that is exactly what I do.
Even on a busy street, you’re the only one I see. Often my intense focus on you will cause me to walk into another person – but I don’t care. Even when that person scowls at me and tells me to “Watch where [I’m] going, moron.” Still, I pay him no mind. Because I know that he is only jealous of our love.
Or in a crowded restaurant. Other people may be trying to have conversations. Some of them are even sitting at my table. In fact, they are friends of mine and they are speaking directly to me, because we made plans to eat at this restaurant together. But their voices are merely noise in the background. Because I am holding you, caressing you, my iPhone. And we are one.
When you ring for me – oh, how my heart fills with joy! For your ringtone is my favorite ringtone of all time, one that I downloaded especially for you. It is our song. It is the Gilligan’s Island theme song.
Initially I downloaded it ironically, as a joke. But now I love it, just as I love you.
Love is funny that way, iPhone. You never know where or when you will find it. For a while, I thought I had found love with my ex-boyfriend Tim. But that was before I met you. Tim soon grew jealous of our relationship – our frequent calls, our midnight e-mails, our furtive text messages…
And then there was that time you started ringing while Tim and I were having sex. Just as he was saying something about getting married – there you were: “Juuust sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip!” Admittedly, the timing was unfortunate. But I was powerless against your siren song. I turned towards the bedside table and extended my hand, lusting for your touch.
Tim never understood our love. I tried to convince him that he held a special place in my heart, but who was I kidding? You’re the only one for me, iPhone. When Tim issued his final ultimatum – “That piece of plastic, or me!” – the choice was easy.
At last we are alone, free to plan our future. Oh iPhone, we have such plans, you and I! First we will – wait a minute…
… Um, iPhone, why is your screen suddenly freezing so I can’t access my contacts?
…and why is Angry Birds taking like 20 minutes to load?
…and why does Siri keep telling me how many calories there are in a bagel, when what I asked for was directions to the nearest gas station?
Just a moment, please, iPhone. I have to call my service provider.
“Uh huh. Uh huh. Technical glitch? I see. Thank you.”
Well, iPhone, we had some fun. And I will always cherish our time together. But I think we’ve grown apart, don’t you? Don’t take it too hard. What’s important now is that we both move on.
[Trip to Apple store]
Oh, newer iPhone. I love you so much. No, seriously – So. Much.