A Few Things You Learn About Dating If You Just Pay AttentionMarianna Tabares

If you just pay attention, you realize that there’s no one way to make dating all work out. Not even if you’re the best looking person in the room, or the smartest kid in class will you learn about dating unless you’re paying attention to the most obvious things about it. Here’s a brief list to help you get acquainted with what I’m saying:

  • Just because a person can easily get dates doesn’t mean that dating, overall, is easy for that person.
  • Just because no one asks you out doesn’t mean they never, ever will.
  • The risk of rejection runs on both sides.
  • Just because you had a great first date doesn’t mean you have to be 100% into that person.
  • Just because you had sex on the first date doesn’t mean you’re not good enough to earn that person’s love if it works out.
  • Just because you didn’t have sex on the first date doesn’t mean you’re a prude.
  • Just because a person is giving you access to sex doesn’t mean you have to reward them with your company.

These are just a few things, and they sound very obvious, but for some reason, we don’t learn from them. I’m going to break each one down just a little:

Just Because A Person Can Easily Get Dates Doesn’t Mean That Dating, Overall, Is Easy For That Person

We all move through life in our own kind of rhythm. Some people have a very easy time scoring a bunch of first dates, but it’s wrong to assume that dating comes easily to them. They may go on a lot of dates, but the stuff that comes after those dates is often too difficult to deal with.

For example, I’ve been on several first dates, sometimes a second date, but the stuff that comes after that can be pretty confusing. Sometimes I just want to know if that person is interested enough to pursue something exclusive. But how do you bring that up without sounding needy or like you’re rushing into things? Well, what I’ve figured out is that if the person I’m seeing gets scared off by my approach, we’re better off not dating after that. If they’re too wound up about making a choice whether to date me exclusively or not, that is a problem that could cause some nasty times ahead. We’re either into each other or we’re not and that’s totally okay and forgivable.

Just Because No One Asks You Out Doesn’t Mean They Never, Ever Will

This just isn’t true unless you make it true. I’m super guilty of complaining that no one asks me out when the truth would sound something more like, “The people I wanna date don’t ask me out and the ones I don’t feel like hanging out with invite me out the most.” Get real about what’s actually happening and you’ll face your patterns head-on. You also have to figure that this is the 21st century and if you really want someone’s company, you can find a way to ask them out. If they make time for you and you do meet up, make sure you enjoy that time. Maybe it’s dinner, a movie, or just coffee. Enjoy that time you spend together and if nothing ever develops, that is totally OKAY. It’s okay to not always strike up romance. That’s the point of dating. You go through a series of hits or misses.

The Risk Of Rejection Runs On Both Sides

If you are worried that the person will turn you down, that’s fine. The worst that can happen is they say no. They are just as afraid to ask you because quite frankly, they don’t know what’s on your plate. They don’t know if you’re in a place in life where you are looking to date. They don’t know if you’re already seeing someone (or maybe they do know and don’t care). Point is, whatever fears you have about dating, you’re not alone. Even the most confident-looking person is still a human being with certain anxieties about being vulnerable in front of someone they like.

Just Because You Had A Great First Date Doesn’t Mean You Have To Be 100% Into That Person

My buddy, Oliver is the one who is there to remind me, “Don’t put all your eggs into that one crappy basket.” I love the visual and immediately I think of my ovaries because yes, I’m wired to scout out the most suitable male for reproduction, even though I’m not looking to have kids. Sometimes a great first date is all I’ll get from that person and I can’t let myself get wound up if it doesn’t lead to a second date. I can’t take for granted the one good time I had with someone. If we don’t see each other again, I’m the one in charge of not putting all of my proverbial eggs into the basket. That basket can fall to the ground, everything Humpty Dumpties all over the floor, and I shouldn’t have to feel so terrible about it. Neither do you. Don’t get too invested in someone, but do allow yourself to blush and feel butterflies and enjoy the moment for what it is, not what it could be.

Just Because You Had Sex On The First Date Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Good Enough To Earn That Person’s Love If It Works Out

I’ve been guilty of doubting my own self worth for moving too fast early on. You can play the game if you want to, the one where you slowly build up to a certain kind of physical interaction, but there’s no reason to feel bad about yourself if you jump in with both feet on a first date.

It does happen, sometimes, that a man claims he loses respect for girls if they have sex on a first date. And you know what? I don’t need a man to be in charge of shaming me. What would I have done with his respect anyway? Move a mountain? No. His respect is not the be-all to my self worth. A smart person would know better than to judge another person harshly for their own sexual liberation. Besides, as I mentioned earlier, it’s the 21st century and we’ve about redefined propriety.

You’ll find that there are some people who can’t get enough of you and it’s got very little to do with how much sex you have. If they want you for the person you are, they’ll come for you no matter what. It also doesn’t hurt to talk it out if you have any doubts. If they don’t feel as strongly about you because you did what you did, MOVE ON.

Just Because You Didn’t Have Sex On The First Date Doesn’t Mean You’re A Prude

These are some very confusing times. I’ll tell you, I’ve been on first dates that lead to making out, and that’s a critical moment for me. Kissing passionately doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to go all the way, but some men don’t really know that, and if they move their hands over certain body parts, I know it’s up to me to move that hand away and set a boundary. That boundary is important because it doesn’t make you a prude, it just makes you someone who is in charge of his or her own path.

You absolutely don’t need to jump into anything that you don’t feel passionate about. If for some insane reason that person accuses you of being a prude, MOVE ON. I promise that there are people out there with the same boundaries and they are worthy of your time, just as you are of theirs.

Just Because A Person Is Giving You Access To Sex Doesn’t Mean You Have To Reward Them With Your Company

What does it mean to reward someone with your company? Well, think about the kind of dating style you have with this person. Maybe you’ve been hanging out a few times, and each time has either been completely physical or you’ve actually gone out somewhere for dinner or drinks. Sex can no doubt make the relationship confusing because after a while, you can’t tell if you are friends or just goofing around for a time. If and when feelings get involved, you will have the urge to solidify things with a little bit of a definition. You know, calling it a relationship. If the other person doesn’t see things your way or doesn’t take that step right along with you, are you sure you want to reward them with your company just because they are still interested in having sex with you?

What you are saying when you do that is that even though they don’t want to be on the same page, you’re going to compromise your desires and reward them anyway. You stick around long enough and you’ll start to feel like they are taking advantage of you, and that’s because they are. They will have access to you at no consequence. It’s okay to walk away from a person even if walking away means you’re going to be heartbroken for a little while. You’ll be fine, you’ll move on, and you’ll have room in your life to meet someone who does want to date you exclusively.

Conclusion

If we just paid a little more attention to these obvious markers, we might become conscious of certain dating patterns. By then, it’s up to you if you are doomed to repeat them or are willing to try something out of the ordinary to help produce different results. Eventually you’ll appreciate the freedom that comes with dating, meeting new people, and testing out which personalities go best with yours.

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