Dear friends, I have not written in a long time because I’ve only recently crawled out of my own miserable hole. My last post must have come around shortly after my birthday in which I admitted to feeling very scared about things like my career and my love life. I’m less terrified now but still marinating in a hefty amount of concern.
It’s only been a couple of weeks since I’ve slowly crawled away from my blankets to greet the world outside. I was becoming quite a professional in the exploration of the Great Indoors, but things had to be taken care of such as oil changes and exchanging my American currency for beauty products at the CVS. I was on winter break for about three weeks and it’s a bad combination to have a lot of time off on top of feeling depressed. All that time gives me the luxury of exploring my own misery instead of suppressing it the way normal people do. Once I got back to work, it saved my life, I think, because it forced me to interact with other human beings again on a more consistent basis. And since I am blessed to have really caring and considering coworkers (who really are now my friends), I forgot how much I needed to be there for the sake of my own mental health.
For a long time in my life it was inappropriate to discuss depression. What I grew up knowing was that if you had a problem, you kept it to yourself and locked it up in your room along with your crying. My mom was always better about crying in front of others without restraint, but I absolutely could not. I honestly don’t remember which friend last saw me cry, though I’ve certainly cried in front of asshole boyfriends for the sake of getting it across to them that they are assholes. But an actually vulnerable display of emotion almost terrifies me and has been reserved for therapists because for what they cost, they can afford to hand over their boxes of tissues.
I read my Twitter timeline and my Tumblr dashboard and often see posts from people who aren’t afraid to share that they are in a bad place. Their depression happens for different reasons, it seems, though they don’t all specify what causes it. Still, it’s there, and it’s a huge drain on human energy but what shits me is that it can’t be treated the way you can medicate a cold. A hot cup of Theraflu really got me through work back in December when I started getting sick, but when I woke up crying in bed several days later, there were no tabs or syrups to ease that pain. I know that there are several medications available to help, but when I tried them again, I actually ended up feeling worse. I became extremely fatigued and my head felt very fuzzy.
Back when I was first put on medication in 2006, it was great! I started it shortly after my first serious “emotional breakdown” and at the time had the good fortune of a career that gave me great health benefits. I immediately saw a therapist and a psychiatrist who prescribed Prozac and after a month, I felt a little less fragile. I started a workout routine every morning and even dropped a couple of dress sizes. Still, there were moments of vulnerability where I’d wake up and find that I had tried to hurt myself, so clearly there was no miracle cure and there was a lot of work still ahead of me.
There isn’t going to be one miracle cure for depression. We won’t all respond the same way to our prescriptions or homeopathic remedies. I think that what can help at least a little is the act of becoming involved in a supportive community where these feelings can be expressed without judgment and without fear. We should be able to tell each other that we are depressed because of our family problems, our job issues, or our romantic failures. We should be able to speak freely on our insecurities and what we hate about ourselves because I think that the more these feelings go unspoken, the more they build upon their power to bring us down.
However, the sadness doesn’t have to go away forever. Some of the most brilliant comedic minds are driven by their demons. The best writers reach us because they are motivated by their understanding of human frailty and can articulate the experiences so the rest of us can sigh in relief that someone understands.
Working in education, you see a side of people that has nothing to do with textbooks and homework. When you’re working with students every day, they eventually open up and talk to you about the dark side of things and if they trust you, they let you in because they want someone to hear them out. More often than we realize, people as young as ten or eleven years of age are already thinking about how much better things would be if they didn’t exist. Granted, sometimes these are just thoughts that never lead to actual suicidal behavior, but they are expressions that demand attention anyway because they point to self doubt and low self esteem. Pretty often, those feelings are never outgrown and continue to haunt the person well into their adult years, which is where some of us find ourselves today.
We sure do have plenty of choices when it comes to how we can help ourselves. We could become lab rats and see if some new over-priced pill will ease the malady and make a few bucks while we’re at it. We can seek out therapy and find out where we can get it for free if we currently don’t have health benefits. We can speak with our friends, we can blog, we can tweet it all out, and we can force our bodies to move us out of bed every now and then and get outside for short walks. We can somehow convince our near catatonic selves to go out and run some errands with the reward of soon coming back to the comfort of bed. I’ve had to do that several times and it gets a little bit better when the phase passes.
Whatever it is you need, please don’t be afraid to ask.
Featured Image via Deviant Art by ~lolipopek
I can really identify with this article, thanks for being so brave and sharing!
I went thro this for the better part of 2011. And what you have written above is ABSOLUTELY true. I am so honoured and feels that I am not alone of having this thing in my life. Thanks!!!
Its pretty upsetting when you imagine ANYONE thinking that the world would be better off without them and then when you yourself think it too? It feels like rock bottom. My brother felt that way and made a rash decision back in 2005. I wonder if what he was feeling or thinking was what we all seem to have felt just not as strongly enough to do something permanent about it? This article was amazing and I think did a lot more good for a lot of people. I think knowing your not the only one out there who feels such a lull may raise the “happy” meter up a notch but the real question is where do you go from there?
Thanks for writing this.
Thank you for your honest description. I don’t think people understand just how hard the seemingly easy day-to day activities are when you suffer from depression. So many times people have told me to “cheer up” or “get over it” Sheesh!
This may sound completely selfish, but there is comfort in knowing other women can relate to the feeling of helplessness and pain that this dark cloud brings.
Thank you for that. xxoo
Marianna, this is BRILLIANTLY written and hauntingly honest. Thank you for sharing that. When you mentioned about not being able to cry in public whereas your mom did it freely, it brought me back to my childhood. I’m Latina and I think it was part of our moms’ guilt trips to just burst into tears to prove their point about how awful we were acting. I knew then I could never really cry in front of others.
I really love your writings.
Have a good one!
i soooo needed that, especially today of all days. called in sick, unpaid sick day. its 5:10 pm and im still in my pjs, in bed. in one of the biggest funks i have been in a while. it helps to hear/read/see people with similar issues. sometimes its easy to forget that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it DOES get better.
I want to like this a thousand times over. I have bipolar disorder and it sucks. And the stigma associated with it sucks. I have been down the rabbit hole that is depression, into the abyss, where no light exists. I try to educate my friends about it. I’ve found some online places that have helped enormously when I’ve been in bad shape. I even started a thread in the HelloGiggles forums about dealing with mental illness: http://hellogiggles.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=57 This is an illness like any other. I’m lucky in that I have health insurance that covers my meds (which are expensive) and an awesome therapist. This past year was a bitch (breakdown and hospitalization) and I’m slowly working out of it. Thanks again, Marianna.
Fair play for you for writing an article about this. Bravo. I’m the same in that it’s hard to talk to friends or family about what’s getting to me. I was depressed when I was 15– stopped sleeping, eating, talking. And I barely even noticed it. I knew it was bad when 1. My mam asked if she could make me something because she hadn’t seen me eat in days and 2. a teacher took me out of class to talk to me. She wasn’t a really emotional touchy feely teacher either, she was stoic and sarcastic and was something that I admired about her. And that’s what shook me. We had to go on a school trip and I used that to heal. Got out of my comfort zone.
In 2011, I’ve had a tough time at keeping happy due to financial worries and stress at being in another college course I wasn’t happy with, which I’d taken a loan out for. If anything went wrong, I broke down. One of my new year’s resolutions is to Feel Happier, and I’ve managed it most days. Not every day, partially because I’ve been ill or busy and felt stressed out. Luckily, while I didn’t have lots of friends I felt comfortable to turn to, my boyfriend has always been really supportive. If I’m sad, he’s sad, and he does anything he can to cheer me up. I’m still unwell and behind in my goals, but know it’s nothing I can do at the moment and worrying will only make me sicker. Thankfully it’s never been bad enough that I’ve had to go to therapy, or use medication, but the lines in that area are blurrier over here (Ireland).
Again, thanks for writing this article. Sorry if this is a bit long. You’ve clearly touched the heart of all the commenters, including myself. Thank you.
I think there is such a lack of knowledge when it comes to doctors as well, they just try to medicate you and leave it at that.
I personally had felt down a lot and not quite right for years, I was always told by doctors that I was depressed/had anxiety. At the end of my tether I turned
to alternative medicine, I now have acupuncture once a month and I cant believe the difference.
Such an awesome article. It really described what’s been going on for the past eleven years of my life. Slowly I’m trying to break this horrible cycle and end this.
Really brilliant, thanks for this. I know personally that writing while in one of these cycles is sometimes so difficult, but you have certainly put the right words together to great effect.
Wonderful article! I’ve been battling a medical depression for a few years, as I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. It’s a non-curable disease and one of the main effects is anxiety and depression. I’ve learned through the years to just breathe and cut out as much negativity in my life as I can. And it’s always important to have someone there for you, family member, friend, etc., that you can always talk to. One thing that always helped me was to keep remembering that I’m not alone in what I go through, and even though I don’t have control about having the disease, I DO have control on how I feel about it.
Again, awesome article, Marianna!
HAHAHAHA, as I am complaining at my own typos I didn’t see any in your essay.
Thanks for not worrying about the typos you guys! I hate when it happens but YOU GET THE MESSAGE.
Sorry for my typos… I was in the zone just typing away, but they stare at me and I start to feel itchy.
Love you, M, who I am so honoured to call my friend. You probably don’t even know that I have suffered from depression as long as I can remember. It was when I was 21 that I finally got some help. Keep in mind, I am 40 (as you know) now. Between depression, I suffer from PTSD as well as anxiety disorder (panic attacks and what-not). I go weeks at a time not leaving the house (and it surprises even professionals wen I tell them that).
It’s time to take away this stigma, and I did something on my own end at the very last college I taught for, but I’m not allowed to talk about it, and that’s fine because I know what I did and I know it has made a difference.
You see, I am not ashamed of any of this because these are medical conditions, I didn’t choose to be raped, or to have other horrible things happen to me. What I did choose is to do something healthy about it rather than self-medicating. There needs to be less of a sigma associated with mental health because without it, many people who could be helped won’t seek that help. I don’t have health insurance, and that’s only one of the reasons why I don’t have a doctor currently. It’s also because my “brain doctor” passed away last spring. It’s important to work through your issues. Even therapists seek the help of therapists. The next time you see someone hurting, don’t feel afraid to say something (even if it isn’t related)…. just let the person know they are appreciated and if they want to talk about what ails them then they will in their own good time. Much love to all, especially my Marianna!! Love you!!
Yes. To all of the above. I am/have been in the exact same position and sometimes it seems so intensely hopeless and sometimes it’s just a haunting little apparition in the background of my life, but it’s always there. That’s the truly, deeply sad part.
Thanks for writing this and reminding all of us that we are not alone. That is one of the best ways to “deal.” For me, anyway.
“The best writers reach us because they are motivated by their understanding of human frailty and can articulate the experiences so the rest of us can sigh in relief that someone understands.” <– you said it, sister.
You are truly inspiring
I applaud too!! That was a very hard piece to write I’m sure, you’ve been so brave to share all those thoughts with us. We’ve al missed you, and it’s nice to have you back with such an enthusiasm to feel better and make everone else her feel less alone, Thank You!
This is beautiful. Currently, its 3:52am in LA and I’m wide awake because, god forbid I sleep through the night. This article brought me to tears because you’ve just outlined my life for the last 15 years or so.
I’ve learned to cope, how to deal, but somethings are harder to get over. You are incredibly brave to put this out there. I hope people take something away from this.
<3