With rumors running rampant about the alleged break-up of Johnny Depp and hairy French actress/singer/baby mama Vanessa Paradis, I’ve taken some time to reflect on what this would mean for Paradis’ Johnny-less future.Certainly, a future without Johnny Depp is nothing any of us want to contemplate. I don’t know why people are giving so much money to this Darfur thing when CLEARLY we should all be volunteering every weekend to raise money to cryogenically freeze Mr. Depp so that his amazingness can be preserved, like the Constitution or Magna Carta, for future generations.

Johnny’s had a lot of girlfriends, and when I say a lot of girlfriends. I mean, he’s dated roughly three quarters of the planet’s skinny, big-toothed brunettes. Which if you think about it, is a LOT of women.

The ones I’m most concerned about, however, are the ladies who thought they had a chance. Winona, Kate – I’m looking at you. How about Johnny’s first and only wife, that gal from Kentucky or wherever that he married when he was, like, nineteen? You know she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life gazing at those cheekbones.

This is how I imagine life is like when the cheekbones have moved on to skinnier, toothier brunette pastures.

A Day In The Life of One of Johnny Depp’s Many Exes

1:04 pm Wake up naked. Fail to remember how or why. Discover Johnny written all over self in magic marker.
1:05 pm Fall back asleep.
2:30 pm Wake up again.
2:40 pm Start drinking single-barrel malt whiskey. That you stole. Just because it made you feel powerful.
2:45 pm Log onto internet.
2:47 pm Revise self’s Wikipedia page. Someone keeps deleting “Partner: Johnny Depp” on the grounds of “insufficient information.” Jackass.
3:37 pm Eat a pop tart.
6:48 pm Clear internet history in case you die today. Deleted Google searches include: “johnny depp girlfriend,” “johnny depp married?” “johnny depp dead,” “johnny depp lonely,” “johnny depp new phone number,” “vanessa paradis death potion,” “voo doo curses,” “time travel wiccan spells,” “make the 90s come back,” “johnny depp love me,” “so sad make it better,” and lastly “cats that look like hitler.”
7:01 pm Leave house, go to grocery store.
7: 10 pm Buy a half-priced day-old cake that feeds 24 people and says Mazel Tov Ephraim!
7:11 pm Steal a pack of breath mints just because they’re there.
7:12 pm Get lost on the way home.
7:21 pm Start eating cake with hands on park bench.
8:04 pm Finish cake. Remember way home.
8:32 pm Pop in season 3 of 21 Jump Street.
10:32 pm Call Nicholas Cage. Ask if he’s heard from Johnny Depp.
10:48 pm Hang up on Cage. He won’t stop whining. Jeez. Everyone has problems.
11:28 pm Begin to drink.
1:48 am Try to tape back together that picture of Johnny you tore apart.
2:02 am Fantasize about seeing Johnny at a party and impressing him with your fabulous post-him life.
2:03 am Weep.
2:11 am Weep profusely
2:44 am Pass out.