One night over drinks and pita chips, I suppose the sangria really went to my head because there I was, over-sharing about my “home girl” approach to defending my man and serving him like he’s king of the house. I might have said something like, “ I’ve seen the way I am when I really love someone and I’m so proud that I’m capable of that. When I’m in love, that’s my dude and I take care of him, I run a tight ship at home, and I don’t let anyone mess with him.” It’s some Blood In, Blood Out approach that I developed some time in the last ten years, perhaps motivated by having to deal with some trifling females.
The man sitting next to me happened to be someone that for a second I considered dating except I never really felt a spark to move it past friendship, and I’m sure neither did he. I think that after my speech he probably only heard “crazy-crazy-crazy.” Which is fine. But what threw me off was when he sent an email that night in which he felt he had to clarify that he didn’t want to mislead me and didn’t want anything serious.
I laughed because it was so presumptuous. I tried to think about what I may have said or done that would make him think that I wanted anything other than what was already there.
Then I thought, What’s so bad about me that someone wouldn’t want that?
And it’s a question I had already been asking myself for the past three years. Since my big, bad breakup, I’ve only made a few casual acquaintances (some too casual), but pretty much everything I throw to the wall eventually slides right off.
And even now, the thought doesn’t stop rattling in my brain like a lonely marble. And when I’ve thought it over enough times, I get fed up with it completely.
I’ve been so wrong to think that whenever some guy I’m crazy about doesn’t want me back as equally, then I’m the one who is deficient. I know this is the result of having been through that icky situation where I get really close to someone who talks about not wanting a relationship but then changes his Facebook status with the next girl.
I think plenty of us have been there an awful amount of times.
The closer I get to 30, and it’s getting pretty close, the more I want to make sure I enter that new decade without these concerns and insecurities. I want to regain a free-spirited nature so that I can easily maneuver right out of any ill-feelings.
I was told by several people (and Wikipedia) that between ages 27-30 is the Return of Saturn and I’m entering a new stage of life. Sometimes I feel it, even more so when I think about the things that will make me happy that have nothing to do with finding a boyfriend to torture. These days I’m looking very closely at my career and I feel like it’s a bull ride I’m about to take without a saddle. I’m not even all that scared. If I don’t take any risks, I will be wasting this precious time I have to do something different and daring.
Things are coming my way, and I’m also on my way to them, so the story doesn’t end here. This started with me sad about not being “girlfriend material” and culminates, for now, with me just making a genuine effort to be a better woman. I just want to be willing to admit to those vulnerabilities, as annoying as they are to say and hear.
Featured Image via DeviantArt
gosh! I’m hoping you will!
thanks in advance!!
My fiance felt exactly how you felt when she was 29 (but with women instead of men as she is a lesbian) and on her 30th birthday i asked her out. We are very happy together and a friend of ours told us we are the most loving and most devoted couple she had ever seen. In time things may change in your favor, i hope they do.
There’s definitely someone who is worth the wait (and the complaining, and bitching, and moaning) hehehe. I haven’t given up on the idea, but I remind myself to use the alone time in my favor and give that time over to things that help me grow as a person in terms of learning things I don’t already know. In fact, I’m lagging on some volunteer work I’d love to do.
If you are right, and you really sound right: I want to be 30 already!
I’m not really kidding, I’m 23 and I sometimes get this thoughts stuck hard inside of my mind. Although I feel I’m growing stronger I would love it for me to start being more clear and brave about everything.
You gave me hope via this article, Thank You so much Marianna!
Any tips to survive til I’m 30? (please!)
*
Hmm…you may have just helped me sort out what to share next.
30 is a turning point, and not just the number but rather the mindset change. There is nothing better you can do as a woman, whether married or single, than to focus your attention inward. To take inventory, gather insight and strength and make yourself into who you want to be! I did that at 30 and the past three, nearly four years, have been full of growth. I’m excited for you my friend and what this next decade may hold. Don’t fear, let go and let be.
My friend and I always used to say, “Giving up got us there.” Which doesn’t mean to give up, it just meant that when we stopped trying so hard, the thing we were trying for found its way to us.
dude, en un mes, chin, no, en menos de un mes, I’ll be 30 tambien y pues, I don’t want to sound all mellow dramatica, but it feel like a big deal. I’ve felt mostly mad, in like crazy, from 26 to the present & I remember being “warned” about this time in our lives… y pues, I’ve done my best to maneuver through the last few year. As I approach the “big 3-0″ I give out a big sigh and then several more… for things have been & continue to change in a big way for me. Thanks for writing this, it’s a great piece in place of our letter exchange.
Oh I’m gonna write to you and I’m even throwing in one of my “school pics!” We took pictures on picture day at work and I just got them today. IT IS AWFUL.
This post sounds almost identical to an email I sent my friends last night after feeling particularly “what’s so wrong with me that he doesn’t like me?”-ish. I’m 30 and know exactly what you mean. For whatever reason my friends haven’t responded yet, but this felt like a response from a friend and I appreciate that. Thanks for sharing!!
Hi Serena, thanks for sharing that. I have been thinking a lot about how every now and then we have to forgive ourselves for having those thoughts because they DO come, and we do suffer through them. Eventually, of course, our friends would prefer for us to have better self-esteem and more positive thoughts regarding these issues.
I guess I’m saying that every now and then it’s okay to indulge in these mini miseries if it means we’ll grow from them and find something bigger and better at the end of the tunnel. <3
So what happens now you guys? Do I get famous and then await a downfall of epic E! Entertainment proportions?
Trish Rollins, you read my mind!
Beautifully written! Thanks so much for this! xoxo
I loved this post!! I wrote my feelings on it here — Mariana!
Thanks,
http://nicolelagreca.blogspot.com/2011/11/late-20-something-seeking-complacency.html
check it out if you can
Hi Nicole! I really appreciate your response to the post. I love seeing other angles to the feelings that we all have to experience. We’re all coming from different places in life. Your perspective will be different while in a relationship, just as mine is just a different bounce of light while single. Either way, we both share a desire for great things and a willingness to try. Many women don’t even get to have these same rights, and I mourn for that and feel I owe it to them to be the best I can be.
I read this as the ages 27-30 being the ‘Return of Satan’ years, worryingly I thought that made sense!
You know, you may not be wrong.
When you’re younger it’s hard to see what you really deserve in life. For years I blamed my singledom on bad karma but now, as a 29 year old, I know that I’m single because I haven’t found anyone I want to be with. And that’s totally okay! Maybe there is something about this transitional age because the older I get, the more secure I become and with that I make more decisions based on what will make me happy rather than what makes me dateable.
Thanks for sharing this!