Check your pager and get your period in gym class… it’s time for my inaugural ’90s VIDEO BREAKDOWN!

Yes, this is the first in a series of postings where I use the power of song to relive the decade in which I had a bowl cut, a unibrow and SO many friends I just didn’t have time to modge-podge this tupperwear container:

jessi cruickshank's backstreet boys tupperwear container picture

Get these underpants signed:

Or glue my-14 year-old face onto someone else’s body to make it appear like Brian “B-Rock” Littrell, in his dreamy iridescent suit, was singing to ME:

Brian Litrell sings to Jessi Cruickshank, backstreet boys photo

Okay, so I did all those things. But only when I could fit them into my busy schedule of re-winding and playing my extensive Backstreet Boys Video collection on VHS. And of all the videos I watched alone in my basement, featuring cowboy hats and chair dances and impossibly thin pencil beards, this was the one that got rewound and played the most:

Backstreet Boys- Quit Playing Games With My Heart

Don’t pretend you didn’t feel that deep in your loins. As a preteen, I genuinely believed that this video had taken my virginity. And in many ways, it did.  So let’s get some action and break it down, one dripping wet, gyrating, shaved chest at a time…

Our scene is set late at night in what appears to be an urban streetball court somewhere deep in the projects, where a crew of gangsters are just waiting to start some s**t.

opening shot, BSB quit playing games with my heart video pic

Yep, just 5 hard-ass mother f*ers in white chinos, polo T’s and, wait a minute, is that…

Picture of the Backstreet Boys from the Quit Playing Games with my Heart video

Yes. It’s a beaded choker.

AJ Mclean Backstreet Boys balding, jewelry pic

Just a subtle, decorative touch to compliment EVERY OTHER ACCESSORY KNOWN TO MANKIND and a hairline receding faster than my ovaries.

While AJ was busy setting hearts aflutter, among employees working on commission at Claire’s that day, Kevin was busy singing , dancing,, working a killer pair of wrap-around shades and a layered pixie cut.

Kecin Richardson of the Backstreet Boys in video photo

 A look eerily reminiscent of this:

Kevin from the Backstreet Boys looks like Liza Minnelli photo

For those of you who may be too young or too straight, that’s music legend and icon Kevin Richardson, next to Liza Minnelli.

In sad news, when I Googled Kevin’s name last night, and that’s not the sad news, this is what came up:

Kevin Richardson BSB gay google

See, Kevin?! That’s what happens when you turn your back on the most beloved boy band in the history of 1996-1999, you are dead to us. Or gay.

But I digress… back to the slums of Harlem where Brian is waiting to seduce me with his sultry vocals then stab me in the throat with his cheekbones.

brian litrell brock backstreet boys cheekbones

As soon as B-Rock steps out to re-apply his Dep, it’s time to hold on to your overalls because Nick Carter is here to make you feel all the things you never did when Nathan Rosenberg was grinding up against your knee at the Homecoming dance.

Nick Carter looks sexy in backstreet boys video pic

Oh, hell yes. As a pre-teen, I wasn’t sure whether it was the piercing stares, the double finger points to camera or the wind through his bowl cut that made me feel warm in my Guess jeans. Upon further inspection, it could have been the fact that throughout the entire duration of the video, Nick Carter appears to be having a breathtaking, earth-shattering, MIND BLOWING orgasm. At ALL. TIMES.

Nick Carter from the backstreet boys has an orgasm in quit playing games with my heart video pic

But enough about ‘sex appeal’, let’s bring things back to the MUSIC. Obviously, this is a song with deep and powerful meaning, set against a rich instrumental tapestry.  Thankfully Howie D. has the to artistic integrity…

Howie Dorough backstreet boys quit playing games with my heart video

… to pretend to play the guitar for a total of 2.16 seconds so we can all rest assured that these are true authentic musicians, then get back to watching them writhe in the rain.

AJ and Kevin dance in the rain in backstreet boys video gay pic

YESSSS. Whoever brought the extra pastel button downs to this gang brawl was a genius!!

Stuck in the immaculately well-lit rainstorm, Howie re-applies his CK1 and ceases his only chance for a close up:

Howie D. dancing shirtless in the rain in quit playin games with my heart video

Kevin and AJ have a private moment. (See: kevin backstreet boys gay)

AJ and Kevin gay? video photo

And Nick has another orgasm.

nick carter has orgasm in quit playin games with my heart video pic

He also provides an excellent educational tool for 9th grade health class.

Kids, this is the face of a man who is about to rape you:

nick carter orgasm and rape face in quit playin games with my heart video pic

Or in my case, give you wet dreams until you are 28.

At the end of these 3 minutes and 56 seconds of unadulterated bliss, we are left with what I can only imagine is a deep-seeded reference to the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

kevin jesus in quit playing games with my heart video pic

That, or Kevin just wanted to feel the pattering of raindrops on his nipples.

Either way, at the end of this video, I am left with an overwhelming sense of gratitude…

Thank you, Backstreet Boys. For the memories, for the butterflies, for the time you signed my underpants. Thank you for seeing me through the pains of adolescence, for teaching me what it meant to love and for ultimately making me the woman that I have become. Even if that woman just spent 3 days watching, rewinding and blogging about a Backstreet Boys video.

  • http://www.facebook.com/shugapayhanibants Sugar Agbones

    hahahahahahaha!!! can’t stop!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=12702895 Deanna Dever

    totally had a BSB covered tupperware too! great post!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=610790091 Jasmine Dilks

    Thats the funniest thing i just pissed myself laughing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rmflorencia María Florencia Rocha

    Oh my God, so many good memories! <3 I was 13 when I saw them live here in Argentina. I'm 26 now and I still love them!

  • http://www.facebook.com/MsLadypants Marin Alexander

    Best Article EVER! Thank you
    FYI, I’m a 25 year old with a BSB Tatt..that’s right I’m a bad ass!

  • http://www.facebook.com/shannon.patrick10 Shannon Patrick

    I am biting my lips, cheeks, and tongue to keep from laughing out loud while I sit in my cubicle at work. This is hilarious!! Yes, PLEASE keep these coming!! :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/josee.chartrand Josée Chartrand

    Met random BSB fans on ICQ chat rooms. Drove from Ottawa to Montreal to meet them. Slept in line at Molson Centre to get front row tickets, with my BSB Club membership card, of course. Appeared on Much Music when they had their Backstreet’s Back album release video in NYC at Virgin Megastore. I am a Nick lover. I am 32 years old, one of the older fans, but a fan who drove through Ice Storm 98 to see my 7th concert, no less.

  • http://www.facebook.com/eriemelnychuk Erie Melnychuk

    I still have my VHS tapes… The original video (Whichever one came in the green box) has some worn spots along the way at this point though.

    Damn dead/gay Kevin and his rained-upon nipples!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/thash10 Thash Nathan

    Nearly spat out my drink when I saw the side-by-side comparison of Kevin and Liza. Oh Lord, this post has made my day! :D Long live the BSB Lovers! :p

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=14231071 Dina Dry

    This was so funny!!! I am definitely sharing this article!!! Keep them coming!

  • http://www.facebook.com/PrincessMinkyMomo Abbie Neill

    So funny, I almost cried. Got some funny looks from people in the office when I couldn’t hold my bursts of laughter in :D . Awesomenss.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=3431267 Kristen Nowotarski

    to post a comment

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=772085351 Jessica LaBarre

    I so love this!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506131305 Lindsey Cecilio Williamson

    That made my month…. The orgasm & rape face descriptions made me laugh so hard I pissed myself…. Best post on the Backstreet Boys just about ever.

  • http://www.facebook.com/chelsealaurenfrancis Chelsea Francis

    This just might be my favorite HG article, ever.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=595371186 Kelly Stewart

    Took my right back to 6th grade. Ah, the memories…

  • http://www.facebook.com/ChefBrownie3488 Erin Elizabeth Davis

    Haha this made my smile!! I still get that ‘ahh I love you Nick Carter’ feeling when I hear anything from them. Oh the memories of childhood :-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=578047992 Valentina Ugulini

    Ahhahah I was in love with them too! I used to cry when they met fans becuse it wasn’t me :D How stupid I was! But those memories always makes me smile and I have so much memories <3 Ah and Quit playin' games was my fave song too!

  • http://www.facebook.com/annahambrook Anna Hambrook

    I LOVE IT!

  • http://www.facebook.com/dani.spano Daniela Spano

    Hahaha hilarious! Reminds me of my BSB days

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