You guys. This ’90s throwback thing is out of control. Everywhere we go, we see baby Alicia Silverstones and Sarah Michelle Gellars rocking head-to-toe overalls, crop tops, grungy florals, and Clueless minis. The Merry-Go-Rounds of our youth have officially been ransacked, and there’s nothing left on the shelves…except maybe the nine trends ahead.
See, not all ’90s trends have made a comeback yet — and as you’ll see, that’s a very mixed blessing. Glitter? Still into it. Bucket hats? Yeah, you can keep that, Dawson. Click on to see the ’90s trends the retro juggernaut’s missed, and maybe get some inspiration for your own ahead-of-the-curve vintage look.
Get ’em here before they’re on sale at every mall store from here to
Contempo Casuals Wet Seal. Who knows, maybe you’re just the person to bring back the bucket hat…
The Lilith Fair Kerchief — Oh, don’t mind Alyssa Milano, guys. She’s just sitting here, reading to you like a latter-day Mother Goose in her weirdly eldery tiny glasses and modesty-sparing kerchief. How the head scarf went from and Nicole Richie in 2005! Let’s…take a break before we bring these back again, okay, guys?
Also, in 1999, we may have owned a pair of black capri slacks with embroidery and multicolored beads hanging off the bottom. Just so you knew that beneath our business casual facades beat the heart of a totally exotic world traveler.
Bobby Pins On Clips On…Flowers? — We don’t know why, but in the ’90s, it seemed like a really good idea to put a whole bunch of crazy crap on our heads. We made cornrows out of , the closer to God. And this, Sassy-led trend of putting a million clips and bobby pins in your hair haphazardly, because you are TOO COOL TO CARE, guys. Full disclosure: We may have fallen for this trend during our ill-advised ninth-grade bang grow-out period. It made it…no less awkward.
Editor’s note: This male model’s name was Brent. Our diaries heard a lot about him in 1994.
This Whole Look — Wow, this is just a head-to-toe
travesty treasure box of undiscovered ’90s trends! The shoes are remarkably similar to the type-chunk heels we’re seeing at ASOS these days. But scroll up with us here: black pedal pushers with a helpful slit to showcase our soccer calves. Vaguely skater-ish baby tee. Teeny, shrunken cardigan. A BUCKET HAT, full of Gilligan swag. Some brave soul will attempt to bring this look back, and we will slow clap their hopeless valiance (but secretly snicker that they look like the dude from New Radicals in that hat).
The Ankle-Length Jean Skirt — Man, there is nothing more refreshing than wearing a nice, light skirt on a sweltering summer day. What? You want to make that skirt out of the world’s heaviest fabric? Okay. And you want to make this skirt floor-length? Um, I guess. And you want this skirt to have an unfinished hem, matronly apron pocket, and inexplicable fading in the center, where no fading could ever naturally occur? What dread Hades-garment is this?
All Brown Everything — Guys. We just read this really great book, 50 Things Kids Can Do To Save The Earth? Yeah, we’re totally not littering anymore, and we’re deciding whether we want a Bedrock Berry or Vanillasaurus Flintstones Push-Upbefore we open the freezer, so we don’t waste energy. Oh, and all our makeup’s brown now, and we drew a pair of brown lips outside our regular lips. It’s about respect for Mother Nature, guys.
The Teeny-Ribbed Sweater — Okay, aside from the tapestry vest (no), we actually really like this look! The slim-cut sweater and pixie cut is very Jean Seberg. But let’s recall for a moment how this trend actually worked out in our lives. Much as we desired a chic, shrunken sweater from Agnes B., ours were bought with our allowances from Aeropostale, and the ribs tended to stretch out after a few wears, making us the proud donner of the world’s droopiest accordionshirt. It was the sartorial equivalent of sad trombones. Luckily, we saw the movie Singles shortly thereafter, and totally switched to thermals, man.
Embroidered Jeans And Peasant Tees— We actually think this jean fit is highly underrated. Because they were perpetually spotted on ’90s Ur-Diva Shannen Doherty, these not-quite boot-cut, not-quite-low-waisted pants will forever be known as Brenda Jeans. And the rose embroidery and motorcycle boots are a great way to let everyone know that you enjoyed bothUse Your Illusion I and II. The only part of the look we don’t love is the cropped, shirred, demi-peasant top. Blame one harrowing summer at sleepaway camp where we may have earned the nickname “Peasant Boobs.” Now let us never speak of this again.
Glitter — GLITTER, you guys. Glitter in our nail polish. Glitter mashed into our lip balm. Glitter on the inner corner of our eyes that made it really hard to see. Most importantly, glitter in our weird muskox bangs that we carefully center-parted and pasted down with Vaseline (or Dippity Do, if you were classy), and then tied underneath the nape of our neck.
In short, glitter everywhere, forever and ever, amen. Get on this one, cool kids!
The Belly Chain — Et tu, Christy?! Even Ms. Turlington, usually an oasis of class and poise, rocked the waist bracelets sported by (duh), and while pregnant with Blue Ivy (double duh).
Featured image via SassyScans