If I’ve learned anything from the superhero films of the past 10 years, it’s that Chris Evans has the jaw line of a demi-god, Chris Hemsworth is a demi-god and that with great power comes great responsibility. I would love superpowers, but for the health of the general public, I know that it’s best that I stay far away from radioactive arachnids and eccentric-levels of wealth, because I can not take on that type of responsibility.
For two hours this morning, my shirt was both inside out and backwards. The type of person who can barely handle dressing herself should not be trusted with much, especially heat vision. I clearly can’t manage a superpower on a day-to-day basis but I could deal with a weekly bout of superhuman ability.
These are a few superpowers that weekly use would prove the most beneficial and would necessitate the least responsibility.
1. Superpower: Web-shooters
Scheduled Weekly Use: Sunday Afternoon
If you are anything like me, Sunday afternoons are filled with Netflix and Cheez-its. When you finish off your first box of Cheez-its and you are in the middle of the fourth episode of House of Cards, season 2, how can you be expected to choose between a truly inspiring Frank Underwood monologue and a new box? With web-shooters there is no choice, only political blackmail and cheese-flavored snack food crackers.
2. Superpower: Phasing
Scheduled Weekly Use: Saturday Night
Your friend convinced you to go to a cool bar that they had heard about from their barista, who has half a shaved head and an ironic tattoo of T.J. Detweiler– of Recess fame. You show up and the bar looks like Ke$ha’s fever dream. Sometime between the acrobatic show preformed by three people in full body suits wearing Pharrell Williams’ Smokey the Bear ranger caps and the the local high school jazz band’s instrumental performance of “Get Lucky,” you realize that this place only has one door. This apparent lack of exit makes an escape, and an adherence to fire code, nearly impossible. This would be an ideal time and place to employ your phasing abilities.
3. Superpower: Quick Change
Scheduled Weekly Use: Monday Morning
You snoozed the alarm five times, so now there is twenty minutes to get ready. This time limit usually necessitates that choice between a well thought-out outfit and shaved legs. But an ability to quick-change, sans phone booth, means that you can do both.
4. Superpower: Friendship
Scheduled Weekly Use: Friday Night
Besides an aptitude for accessorizing, Green Lantern’s superpowers also come with a certain type of camaraderie. Having your own personal Green Lantern Core on Friday nights means that you don’t have to go diving into the deepest recesses of your phone’s contact list to retrieve a friend to go with you to that new art installation or that late-night screening of Smurfs 2.
5. Superpower: On-point Hair
Scheduled Weekly Use: Wednesday Morning
By the time Wednesday morning rolls around, I can barely differentiate my milk from my mouth wash, which means that while my oral hygiene may suffer, my Cheerios will have a lighter shade of teeth after only three breakfasts. On the morning of, arguably the lowest point of the work week, I don’t want to have to worry about my hair while my cereal is getting soggy in its Listerine.
6. Superpower: Laser Vision
Scheduled Weekly Use: Tuesday Night (aka Mac ‘n Chuesedays – working title)
Because I am human with tastebuds and a heart, I love macaroni and cheese. And when I want mac n’ cheese, I want it now, so I don’t have time to wait for the water to boil. Enter from stage left: Laser vision.
7. Superpower: Shapeshifter
Scheduled Weekly Use: When a Movie Gets Out
Every time I go to the movie theater, I have gotten into the habit of getting an extra-large ICEE, because the calories are worth it and so am I. The problem with this is that about three-quarters of the way through Smurfs 2 I find myself having to go to the restroom. But I don’t want to miss the cathartic moment between Papa Smurf and Smurfette, so I wait. Unfortunately, the longest lines I have ever encountered are for a) Its a Small World ride at Disneyland and b) the women’s bathroom after a movie gets out. But if I was a shapeshifter, I could change into a dude because the line to the men’s room is always shorter– a product of what I can only assume is sorcery.
8. Superpower: Endless Appetite