In my 22 years of always being the smallest in the room and ending my growth journey at a whopping 4 foot 11.5 inches (yes, I’ll be counting that last half an inch with my last dying breath), I’ve almost figured out how to navigate the world and deal with the pesky problem that come with being like Thumbelina.
The odd problems I’ve encountered are as follows:
1. The Average Sized Pet Vs. Crotch
When walking up to the average sized dog, there is one place their nose is as direct level with: your crotch. Not only is it quite embarrassing having a dog’s nose sniffing your lady bits, but also it’s just plain inconvenient! Shuffle to the left, dog is there. Shuffle to the right, dog is there. Try and do a 180 spin. Dog’s nose is now in another inconvenient/embarrassing place. Golden retrievers, labs, all your mid sized and popular dogs cause this problem.
2. Assuring Potential Suitors That I’m Not 15
Sitting in a booth at a bar is not a problem. When a guy comes over, you start chatting, things are going nicely. Then you stand up and their face sinks. They are feeling like a pedophile. You have to read their face and assure them: I’m 22… not 15.
3. The Nickname
I WANT THAT ADORABLE NICKNAME DAMMIT! In elementary school I was not-so-lovingly called “shrimp”. Not the cute one I strive for. Minnie, peanut, anything is better than shrimp! I think I deserve it. I’ve handled my shortcoming with such grace.
4. No, I Don’t Have A Handicapped Pass
No, I can’t park in the handicapped space. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been asked if I qualify as a LP (little person). Through my research, I’ve learned that there isn’t the much believed “height limit”. And I am certainly not, as I was referred to by a drunk girl at a party in high-school, “Primordial Dwarf”.
5. You Must Be This Tall To Ride
Not that I ever really wanted to go on an amusement park ride, but a silly looking sign telling me I wasn’t tall enough? That hit a soft spot. Especially since I’m 22 and I’m assuming have still not reached the height limit… not that I’ve been to a place that has the signs since I was a child.
6. Running To Keep Up
While walking with friends, they are casually strolling down the street; I am at a light to medium jog to just barely keep up. Why am I only friends with amazons?
7. You Really Wonder Why I Hate Going To Clubs?
Not joking, it smells terrible at my level… armpit level. My nose is perfectly in line with the crowd’s armpits. USE SOME DEODORANT, PEOPLE! Also, getting trampled isn’t such a fun night. Remember in Superstar how Mary Katherine Gallagher’s parents died? Trampled to death in a dance competition? That is a 100% realistic fear of mine.
Totally unrealistic, but could a strong enough breeze literally carry me away? I mean a particularly gusty Santa Ana wind. This is also something I fear, though I think the dance thing is possibly more likely to happen.
Then again, after griping about the negatives, there are a few plusses… I haven’t HAD to buy shoes since middle school. I still fit into the flats I wore to my 8th grade graduation I recently found buried in my closet. I do look kinda adorable standing next to my Amazon friends. People at the market do offer to get things off shelves for me… usually. And is they don’t, they’ve got an evil stare coming their way. Big time.
And we cant forget the Randy Neman song ‘Short People’. That’s a good one.