There are two kinds of people in this world: people who think first dates are one of the greatest, most electrifying experiences ever or those who would rather skip the awkward small talk and jump right into fighting about dirty laundry and finishing each other’s sentences. Regardless of what side you’re on, at some point in your life, you will be subject to the inevitable discussion about your hopes and dreams over an overpriced lobster dish. If your date starts talking about how heroic Hitler was, what better way to distract yourself than with a list of obscure words about dating? If you memorize them now, you’ll have entertainment for the rest of the night and you won’t need to look at your phone once!
1) Ananthous (adj): having no flowers
It’s every girl’s dream to open their front door and find her date standing on the doorstep with a bouquet of roses. Though this rarely happens in today’s world due to a decrease in romance and a shortage of roses (both statistics that I made up to justify the lack of flowers I’m seeing), you can always hope that your OkCupid date isn’t ananthous and arrives with a floral arrangement or, at the very least, a boombox. (Before you slap me with your dictionary, yes, I know this word is a botanical term for a plant that lacks flowers, not a human that forgets to bring some. It’s a play on words, okay?)
2) Cicisbeo (n.): the lover of a married woman
If you wear a ring on your finger and you found your date on an affair-themed dating site, you may be dining with a cicisbeo, a self-professed womanizer of married ladies. A common practice in Italy during the 18th century, cicisbeism is different from adultery in that this “other guy” is usually publicly acknowledged. Back in the day, cicisbeos would attend performances and restaurants with their chosen lover, often with the consent of the husband. In fact, many husbands encouraged the adoption of a cicisbeo, if only to keep their wives company while they were off having an affair of their own.
3) Mariturient (adj.): eager to marry
Don’t get me wrong, marriage can be a beautiful thing. In high school, fantasizing over wedding locations and planning future baby names was a common pastime. However, if you show up to dinner and find your date throwing out honeymoon ideas and asking for your ring size, you might have encountered a particularly mariturient partner. If that’s what you’re looking for then by all means, go for it. I just don’t want you to fall into the Rachel/Josh-wa trap.
4) Redamancy (n.): act of loving in return
If all goes well (meaning, if your date doesn’t start picking his or her nose halfway through the meal or serenading you with improvised rap songs), you might just end up with a long-term partner that exhibits signs of redamancy, which is just a fancy way of saying they like you back. Or perhaps your date didn’t find your plans for a cat palace as exciting as you did in which case, there might be a lack of redamancy.
5) Callipygian (adj.): having shapely buttocks; bootylicious
I’m including this word on the rare chance that Beyoncé walks into the restaurant. You know what they say: expect the unexpected.
6) Saprostomous (adj.): having foul breath
I have an addiction to pretzels and hummus that makes having mints on hand practically a necessity. When mints aren’t available, I make an effort to consume other foods or beverages with strong odors in order to cover up the garlicky stench flowing from my mouth. In other words, I am saprostomous, meaning I have bad breath like 90 percent of the time.
7) Spintherism (n.): seeing of sparks before the eyes
If you lock eyes with your blind date across the room and you can almost see the sparks exploding right in front of your very eyes, you’re likely experiencing spintherism. If those sparks are accompanied by bursts of heat, one of you might actually be on fire and I would stop, drop, and roll immediately.
8) Pleniloquence (n.): excessive talking
You know when you make a joke and nobody laughs and you get that sinking feeling in your stomach that makes you want to stop speaking forever, but two minutes later, you start telling a story about your grandma at the state fair in hopes of redeeming yourself from the previous incident but again, nobody laughs or even acknowledges your story and your breath becomes labored and you begin to wonder if anyone will ever understand your humor or if you’re destined to die alone because the only person that appreciates your jokes is you? If you do, then you might suffer from some sort of anxiety problem and, judging from the long run-on, you might also be prone to pleniloquence, or excessive talking. Try to cut back on the extended stories about people your date doesn’t know.
In the end, even if your date was ananthous, saprostomous, and pleniloquent, if they made you happy and sent you into a fit of spintherism, then let your mariturient nature shine and your redamancy flow because you just had a good first date and that’s an accomplishment in itself.
Featured image via Shutterstock.