As communication becomes more digitized, the possibility of miscommunication increases. One poorly placed ellipsis can turn a normal conversation into an unnecessarily weird interaction (i.e. “I had fun last night!” vs. “I had fun last night…”) and sarcasm can often get lost in translation during a text conversation. Luckily, someone was genius enough to come up with a solution. CollegeHumor writer Mike Trapp has invented a handful of new punctuation that would help prevent many of these unfortunate communication problems. Not only are these new symbols hilarious but they are also extremely helpful in determining whether your friends were genuinely excited to accompany you to the premiere of Teletubbies: The Movie or if they were sarcastically cheering you on.
The “I’m Not Angry” Mark:
You’re hanging out with your friends around a campfire, talking about the rise in Hobbit-themed marriages and how Frodo should hair-model for Garnier Fructis (because he’s worth it). Then, suddenly, a wild Pikachu appears! And then, more importantly, you get a text from your mother. “We need to talk.” In that moment, every bad thing you’ve ever done in your entire life rushes back into your mind. Did she find out about the crayon you stuck up your brother’s nose when he was a baby? Does she know about your secret stash of Channing Tatum pictures that you hid in your Human Anatomy textbook? Could she have heard the rumors about your plans to start a kitten farm? Your heart races, sweat practically gushes from your forehead and before you know it, you’re curled up in the backseat of someone’s car trying to concoct explanations for everything you’ve ever done. Now, had the “I’m Not Angry” mark existed, you could have known her text was not intended to cause panic and your weekend would have been saved.
It’s difficult to express genuine gratitude for something when everyone expects you to be sarcastic all the time. That’s where the “sinceriod” comes in. This punctuation mark tells your texting partner that, for once, you actually mean what you’re trying to tell them. After the initial shock wears off, they will thank you for being so kind and BOOM, instant friendship boost. This is the power of punctuation, people.
Expressing sarcasm over text can be equally as difficult, sometimes. Without the option of italics, sarcastic texters are forced to use capital letters to imply sarcasm, WHICH USUALLY ENDS UP SOUNDING A LOT MORE LIKE YELLING than sarcasm. Sarcastises easily solve this problem.
I imagine any sentence with superellipsis being read in the voice of Chandler Bing. “Could you *superellipsis* BE any more annoying?” Maybe that’s just me, but I like the idea of having a font dedicated to Friends in some way, so we’ll just roll with it for now. Superellipsis can also be accompanied by ominous lighting, mysterious booms, and powerful earthquakes. If you experience any of these, either someone just used a superellipsis or you’re stuck on the LOST island, in which case, I can’t really help you.
This one speaks for itself. Literally.
Grammar isn’t actually important, you know. All of those “exercises” they make you do in middle school is all just one giant plot to make you hate English so you will pursue a degree in the sciences and put America back on top. The Hemi-Demi-Semi Colon just makes avoiding grammar that much easier.
Everyone reaches that critical point in their lives when they have to choose between “and” and “or.” After weeks of counseling and therapy, some people are still left juggling these two words, desperately seeking an answer to this age old question. Andorpersand quickly eliminates this dilemma and frees people from a life of sheer misery.
This one is the biggest stretch, I think, because the mockwotation marks don’t even look like punctuation marks. (I mean, Morgan Freeman’s face isn’t exactly a classic punctuation mark either but I’d rather have his face plastering my paper than a bunch of baby hand prints.) Instead of hearing Morgan Freeman or Chandler Bing with these, I hear some annoying, middle school boy mocking the nerdy girl in class, which may be another reason I’m not a huge fan. However, the name of the punctuation redeems its purpose a bit because “Mockwotation” is just too fantastic of a word to ignore.
Punctuation is a very important concept in our lives, so it only seems right to give the already existing punctuation marks a new set of friends to hang around with so everyone can be happy. Luckily, Mr. Trapp also provided a download link which means these new forms of punctuation could be yours FREE* at the click of a button.
*No purchase necessary but customers must trade their first-born child or sell their body for science in order to be eligible.
Images and original article via CollegeHumor.com