1) Dating the guy that claims you’re the one–after one week. Let’s all just agree that this is at the top of the crazy list, right next to ‘axe murderer’ and ‘drug dealer’. Take it from me when I say this is NOT romantic. This man has not heard you fart. He has not seen you in a rage. He has not felt your hairy legs or witnessed you bawling over absolutely nothing. He doesn’t know you; he can’t love you.
2) Drunk texts. Nothing says ‘I’m not over you’ like a text at 4am that says ‘I’m not over you’, followed by a series of other unfortunate confessions, angry name calling and apologetic ‘I love you’s. We’ve all been there, heartbroken and vulnerable with a smartphone that’s not smart enough to prevent us from making bad decisions. You think a hangover is bad? Wait until you wake up and realize what you have done. Advil can fix your headache but it can’t restore your dignity.
(That’s what mimosas are for).
3) Attempting to perform a Brazilian wax on yourself. You have two breasts and one lotus flower so maybe take better care of your ladyparts. Yes, you’ve seen it on the infomercials with women happily waxing themselves with one leg hoisted on the tub. The reality of this looks more like something out of a horror movie–that awful moment when you realize the wax is too hot, spreading the wax frantically to regulate its temperature, grabbing a cotton strip and sticking it onto yourself, praying to every god and prophet known to man, finally getting the courage to yank off the hair and shrieking as you realize you may have pulled off something else.
Salon. $50. It’s worth it.
4) Borderline alcohol poisoning. There is always that tranquil moment before your last drink and the one that’s about to send you over the edge. A voice in your head says, ‘Maybe it’s time to stop’, then another voice says, ‘Nahhh you’re good! YOLO!!’ Before you know it, you’ve convinced yourself you’re on SYTYCD and making out with a vodka bottle. You’d like to forget this night, but unfortunately it has been documented by all of your friends (and frenemies). Remember kids, once it’s on the internet, it’s forever.
5) Ordering a salad when desiring a burger. ‘Oh my God, yeah, I’m totally on this health tip too! I can’t stop going to the gym and all I want to eat is green stuff!’ No. You want to eat the burger, with both sides of the bun, and french fries. Don’t try to be a hero, just have the carbs.
6) Stalking. Excuse me while I sabotage myself, this will only take a moment. Oh, social media, damn you for making it so easy to creep on people! Especially people who claim they no longer wanna be with you, all the ex-lovers, the current fling and pretty much anyone that steps near your territory. You know what pictures, twitter updates and (god forbid) videos are gonna do for you? Nothing. Oh, except for make you feel insecure and paranoid. Who cares if she was/is prettier, happier and more successful? Don’t believe everything you see on the internet. According to my social media profile picture, I wear glasses. I have 20/20 vision–I’m just trying to be hipster. See? Everything is a lie.
7) Dressing for someone else’s body. I’m just gonna come out and say this, not everyone can wear a bodycon dress or a triangle bikini. Technically, everyone has the right to wear whatever they want, but just because it’s trendy or comfortable or on sale, it doesn’t mean it’s your friend. Walk away.
8) Faking an orgasm. Okay, we’ve all done it – you feel guilty, you get tired or you’re thinking about eating a delicious chocolate croissant–you just can’t concentrate. But the truth is, the only thing faking an orgasm does is ensure you’ll probably never have one. Sure, it may be awkward to bring it up, but you know what’s more awkward? Pretending to be elated when you’re actually severely disappointed. It doesn’t matter how great of an actress you are, you may get away with it once or twice, but soon your lover will catch on and then you will experience a level of awkward reminiscent of puberty–let me see a show of hands, many people wanna go through that again?–ok yeah, that’s what I thought.