7 Reasons Why Republicans Are Bad At SexCaitlin Abber

(Warning: this post contains adorable photos of elephants who are angry about being associated with Republicans.)

To have or not have sex is a very personal choice. It’s one of the few times in our lives when we get to decide the where, why, how and who of the experience, and use our own free will to choose the course of action. From the first time we do it to the thousandth time we do it, the doing should belong to us and no one else. At least that’s how I see it. Most Republicans? Ahh, not so much.

Most Republicans are not good at sex. Not all, but most. I mean, I bet some of them are a good lay, but ultimately, a good chunk of them really don’t understand the virtues of safety, choice, education and fun, which to me is like, the world’s biggest deal breaker.

Here are 10 Reasons Why Most Republicans Are Bad At Sex:

 1. They are scared of doctors.


A lot of republicans have wanted to defund Planned Parenthood since, like, forever. While Planned Parenthood kindly, humanely and thoughtfully serves millions of Americans each year, the GOP still only thinks of it as an abortion clinic. We all know that Planned Parenthood is much more than that. They offer pap smears, ovarian cancer screenings, STI testing and so much more. But all of those things are still so icky to the GOP that former presidential candidate Rick Santorum went so far as to call the organization “a monstrosity”. Really, Rick? We sort of think a monster is someone who takes advantage of women, not someone who serves them and has their best interests at heart.

2. They are control freaks.

A Baby elephant explores the open-air en
Good sex is all about give and take, and frankly, the way many Republicans have been trying to restrict abortion access across the country is totally bossy. They’ve passed a ban in Arkansas on abortions after 12 weeks and in Kansas, they might ban abortions altogether. We already know that abortion bans don’t work, and only makes getting an abortion more dangerous for women. It’s almost as if they want to put us at risk for the sake of their own values.

No, wait, it’s exactly like that.

3. They Are Manipulative.

Passing a ban on abortions is actually pretty difficult, so leaders from the Republican party are continually trying to find ways to make it harder for women to seek them out. In some states, this means passing laws for providers that limit who can and cannot perform abortions. In other states, it is laws about consent and how old a women needs to be before she can make this important choice about her life. Us girls are experts at getting what we want, so we should see this kind of strategic bull-crap from a mile away.

4. They Are Cruel.

Mother elephant and newborn baby go for a swim to beat the heat, Melbourne Zoo, Australia - 24 Jan 2013
Believe it or not, Representative Cathrynn Brown of New Mexico actually tried to make it illegal for rape victims to get abortions, citing the offense as “tampering with the evidence”. I don’t think I need to say anything else about this one, other than maybe… WTF?!

5. They Are Stupid And Want You To Be Stupid, Too.

“Cut sex ed funding? Yes! Cancel a successful HIV and STI prevention program? Sounds great! Continue to preach abstinence only even though it has been proven time and time again to not work and maybe even backfire? Great idea! Defund Planned Parenthood in a region with the highest rates of teen pregnancy? Love it!”- said lots of Republicans who don’t know how babies are (or are not) made.

6. They Are Cheap.


That free or low cost birth control you love so much? Obviously most Republicans want to take it  away from you or make it so stupidly expensive so you can’t afford it anymore. According to many Republicans, there is no such thing as free choice, just limited, costly, impossible choice. Enjoy your yachts and crap, Republicans!

7. They are… boring.

Back in the day, there was a very silly law that made sodomy illegal. At the time, sodomy was defined as any type of sex that was “against nature” – that is, not penis in vagina. These laws made homosexuality against the law, and any kind of foreplay basically forbidden. But, as you know, nature – and well, horny people – find a way. In 2003 (yeah, not that long ago), the anti-sodomy law were deemed unconstitutional (freedom of tongue!), but that did not stop Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli from trying to reinstate it earlier this year. Thankfully, his argument did not pass, which is well and good, but the real question is, um, Ken… have you ever even tried oral? Because it’s so great it deserves its own tax deduction!

Also, did you know that in Texas it is illegal for gay teens to have sex with each other? I mean, as if exploring your sexuality wasn’t scary enough!

So, what can we do about these raging elephants and their anti-sex/anti-woman/homophobic laws? Here are some helpful links:

Planned Parenthood



Images c/o: Flickr, VH1, Getty

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003916126340 Dallas Koelling

    When people in public forums refer to “Republicans” they mean Republicans in the senate or or other Republican LAWMAKERS. The people who actually do/think/argue for/try to pass the bullshit stuff that the writer disagrees with. You can agree or disagree with her, but I don’t understand how this would offend anybody…. maybe because it’s all true? If you’re a republican who is offended, maybe take a step back and think about the fact that you voted for people who do/think/say these things. I dont think she was directing these complaints towards anybody, Republican or not, in her audience. Calm down. To stop reading HG because of this? Have fun doing nail art, then, Sydney!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=540050362 Hilary June

      Exactly. Well said.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1112611120 Lisa Marie

    Fantastic piece! My only beef is the obvious partisan issue. I don’t think either side has it right and both extremes need to be done away with for the sake of this country and its people. That being said, if you found yourself becoming offended by this article…

    1) Get over it. You’re not always going to be right and it’s egotistical to think otherwise.

    2) Hit a little close to home? If you believe that the writer erred in her assessment of the ridiculousness of some of these attempted measures, maybe you should take a good, hard look at your ideals and think about where they came from. Are they valid and do they benefit mankind as a whole? Or do they only serve to alleviate your own feelings of discomfort at having to deal with something that you’re not familiar with or comfortable with? The law is not there to make you feel comfortable…it’s there to keep you safe. Big difference.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1481981916 Otis Galloway

    If you were offended by this article, that makes me happy.
    You are EXACTLY the narrow minded closet bigots it’s aimed at.
    Pity you can’t get offended at the idiots that represent you in Congress like you get offended by someone pointing out the obvious.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1383234100 Sydney Eyrich

    I am sure that HelloGiggles will not care about what I am about to say as they have millions of readers, but I am going to say it anyway. I loved HelloGiggles when it first started-it was funny, informative, and woman friendly. However, lately it has become very politically fueled-but only toward the liberal/democratic/atheistic side. I don’t hate democrats or liberals or atheists or anyone really, but I would appreciate both sides being represented. If HelloGiggles has no readers or contributors or regular writers who do not have anything positive to say about the Republican party or those who may agree with a portion or all of what they stand for then HG does not have much diversity. Obviously, this article has offended people who disagree with the Republican party as much it has offended those who do. This article was in bad taste-it was hateful. One commenter mentioned that she thought that HG was a place for all women to be welcomed but now she feels attacked. I, too, feel attacked every time I get on this website now. I don’t want to have to ignore a portion of the articles for fear that they will be written like this one. If I enjoy a website I want to be able to enjoy all of it. Being pro-life or believing that taxpayers shouldn’t pay for birth control or whatever else does not mean I am anti-woman. I hate being told repeatedly on this website that as a Republican or as a conservative or as a Christian I am anti-woman and anti-gay and anti-rights. This is an article that borders on cyber-bullying. I’m sorry, but a sentence saying that this doesn’t apply to all Repubs does not excuse the rest of the article. It is like saying “No, offense but you are ugly and fat.” Yea…saying “no offense” does not make that statement less offensive. As one commenter said, had the article said Hispanics, women, etc… in place of Republicans it would never have been posted. I almost feel that HG owes its readers and apology, and maybe the author owes HG readers an apology too-or at least an admission that they all acknowledge that many readers are obviously offended by this article. Im sorry, but I will no longer be reading HelloGiggles, and I won’t be recommending it to anyone else.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=20506593 Emily Nicoll

      Thank you, Sydney. Well put.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=509274247 Megz Stroback

    I personally thought hellogiggles was some what of a feminist site. A lot of the articles that are on this site are similar to feminist blogs and websites that I read. So I’m sort of surprised to see people so offended. This article was awesome. And provided facts. Thanks.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1419004619 Faith Vokovan

      I couldn’t agree more..

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100005770631612 Ginger Tea

      Yay, for real though!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=617633645 Cherie Stepp

    I’s hard to judge everyone based on what our “representatives” do, for both sides. As a republican I’m an environmentalist, pro choice, and am for gay marriage. However, when it comes to more political things (the things that matter for me when deciding who to vote for) I swing republican. I know for me, I ignore both sides when it comes to their negative ad campaigns.

    You also have to remember that the people in office are of an older generation, so their beliefs differ from those of a younger one. There is nothing wrong with that. People have that right. We need to stop judging each other for it and except and love everyone for who they are.

    I don’t know, ha’s just me.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1079531843 Ashton Cowart

      I agree entirely.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100005770631612 Ginger Tea

      ooh good point

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1064407020 Jordan Marie Hildebrand

    I am a registered republican. I totally agree with Caitlin’s right to vocalize her opinions in a public forum. But I think I also have the right to hold true to my beliefs and opinions as well, WITHOUT being called “stupid”, “cheap” and “boring”. If these things were said verbally in a hallway in school, it would be considered bullying. Heck, I think it’s bullying NOW.

    Girl, you keep on writing your articles and expressing your opinions. No, I don’t agree with them and I do wish that you would tone the hatefire down a little bit. But I totally understand your dissatisfaction with my party and the right you have to express that feeling. (P.S. I totally don’t own a yacht. I drive a ’97 Lumina that my parents own. It’s size SHOULD qualify it as a boat, however. =] )

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=529913140 Reema Abi-Akar

    Well I don’t know about anyone else, but I found this post hilarious and very to-the-point. Thank you, Caitlin! Bravo!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100005770631612 Ginger Tea

    ladies, let’s be real here. Negative energy should not be spread via the web….kinda pointless if you think about it..
    Many Republicans have slammed democrats before.
    I mean look at trump!
    and to think he calls himself a republican. Just terrible. He really gives yall a bad name here but hey there are a few bad seeds in every group!
    –Consider it a game of wit–
    anything politics is touchy and should be avoided however..
    I would suggest speaking more about socio-political as in ………….well da**, this is socio-political….well done. nice juxtaposition.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001006701566 Shanna Hamilton

    Oh my goodness people, it’s a HelloGiggles article. On a site that has lots of contributors. You know what I do when Im on a site like this, and I see an article whose title suggests I’ll dissagree with it? I AVOID IT. It’s very difficult, I know, but it can be done! “I can’t believe HelloGiggles would allow this! This, this, this disgusting example of freedom of speech!” And I can’t believe some of the ‘Nails of the Day’ sometimes but no one is forcing me to paint them on myself. I COULD, but just like you COULD read this article and get all angry face and express YOUR mad freedom of speech, but why do that to yourself? Why purposefully upset yourself? When I see an article whose photo is some greasy lazy guy on a couch with an Obama shirt on, I don’t open it and go into the comment section to complain that it’s an outrage, how I’m never going to the site ever again because every single article they post, from dozens of different people, didnt agree with me and insulted me. Facts are presented. Cute photos are presented. It’s the internet so it matters about as much as a pimple in your 6th grade school photo. I liked it, so I will continue to look out for more articles by the author. If you didn’t and were personally offended, boycott and avoid her articles by all means. But the whole site? Seems about as extreme as most Republicans views ;)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001264839011 Esther Kozakevich

    I identify as a Republican. Not only am I shocked and offended by this article, but I also wanted to point out, not all Republicans are anti-abortion! Yes, I realize it’s more popular amongst Republicans, and most Republican politicians (notice how I said politicians, and not regular citizens) are anti-abortion. However that does not mean that all regular Republican citizens are anti-abortion. People within political parties may have extremely varying views on social issues such as gay marriage, abortion, and marijuana, and making a blanket statement like this is offensive. I really hope Hello Giggles will refrain from making articles like this in the future

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001076214707 Krystal Celeste Rodriguez

    This article is the most disgusting and disturbing piece of crap I’ve ever read on Hello Giggles. There is not an ounce of intelligence in this entire article just a load of ugliness and close mindedness. I honestly thought HG was above this kind of junk.

    I have no problem reading articles by people I disagree with. Everyone has a right to express their opinion but here’s an idea: maybe try to express it in a less jerky way. That way people will actually listen to what you have to say. Caitlin has done nothing to open up my mind to her opinion and point of view, she just ticked me off, therefore closing my mind. It just made me more passionate about what I believe. Good job, Caitlin. I knew I was on the right track with what I believe.

    HG should be ashamed of themselves for allowing this type of hateful writing on their website. I for one am done with HG for good. Good riddance!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=636871463 Jordan Hoops

    Yeah, you can have your own opinion, great, but this article is very untasteful and asinine. If you want to bring up a discussion about your stance on political issues, act like adults and do so. This article was in no way “a light way to bring about a serious issue,” but really immature.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1302932024 Shoshana Korman

    I am a woman and a feminist. I have served active duty in the armed forces and am now in the reserves. I was the first woman in my field and became team leader in less the 6 months (fastest time ever. I was in charge of 40+ men. I live by myself, I am going to university. I think a woman is equal to a man and can do anything a man can do just as well. I have nothing against birth control (just against the government paying for it). Im not a religious person however I view abortion as murder. I am so sick of people saying that if one dissagrees with this then he/she is stupid, dumb. uninformed, a woman hater and so on.

    I think it is demeaning to woman to act like this is the only issue we care about. ALL political issues are woman issues. Also, I hate how woman who are Republicans are attacked and called “brainwashed”. I am a democrat, always have been however I am pro-life so this article is invalid, not funny and I must say the timing is very interesting, http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2013/04/10/philadelphia-abortion-clinic-horror-column/2072577/

    Shame on you HelloGiggles for pretending to be one thing but really only trying to shove one way of thinking down everyones throats.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003637935772 Diana Stevens

      You were/are in the armed forces… you’re clearly not pro-life, but anti-choice.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=540050362 Hilary June

      How exactly is this article “invalid”? It is full of facts.
      And you may not have thought it was funny, but I found it very entertaining.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001009837376 Maria Maggs

        They may be facts, but they are about a couple specific Republicans who are obviously extreme in their beliefs. Therefore, throwing it out there at Republicans as a whole makes it kind of ridiculous because it is invalid. You may have found it entertaining, but I cannot seem to find the humor in an abortion based article. Clearly this is a very childish way to try and get the pro-choice ideals thrown at woman. Being pro-life does not make you stupid in any way. It is a woman’s choice what she does to her body, right? So deciding to keep a baby alive shouldn’t make you brainwashed, stupid, or hateful. This article is offensive. The few facts that are listed here could have been presented in a much better way than they were. At least then people could have real discussion on the matter, rather than talking about how ridiculous this actual is.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=540050362 Hilary June

          The author clearly says “not all republicans are like this” in the 3rd paragraph. I meant that I found the way the article was written entertaining, it was a light way to bring about a serious issue (not only abortion, but the anti-women stance of the republican party)

          We can still have a discussion about the issues at hand. Using the excuse that you didn’t like the way the article was written or found the language ‘offensive’ is a complete cop-out. It’s changing the suject and conveniently avoiding the facts. And again, the article is not offensive. It is facts and one persons opinions about those facts.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001009837376 Maria Maggs

            I suppose I am not as clear minded as someone who has not been “brainwashed,” but I am fairly certain that calling anyone a control freak, stupid, cruel, ect. is offensive. Sure, they said not all Republicans, but it was most certainly aimed at this group. Not all Republicans have that way of thinking, just like not every Democrat is living off the government and wanting free handouts in life. Regardless of who this article would have been aimed it, it still would come across as offensive. There are plenty of liberal, feminist democrats that have commented on here saying just that.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001009837376 Maria Maggs


  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1132615223 Katy Bucher

    Um, gals? Look at the cute elephants and take deep breaths. This article, to me, read almost entirely tongue-(firmly)-in-cheek. It was a new way to present the facts that was attention grabbing. Seriously, I am all for interspersing informative articles with cute animals.
    And do you really think this author really, truly believes these things about all republicans? Because I certainly don’t. In fact, I don’t think anyone thinks anything about anyone’s sex life based on political affiliation.
    Every time Republicans were mentioned, I thought about the actual politicians making these laws. Not the random people I know who are Republicans. This article wasn’t perfect, but no need to take it so personal.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=540050362 Hilary June

      Yes. Thank-you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=540050362 Hilary June

    Why not, instead of being upset at somebody elses opinion, take a look at the facts presented then form your own opinion?

    If you disagree, perhaps this could be a discussion about something more important than what you think of the author’s language. It could be a discussion about the policies of a party that is CLEARLY not good for women. What words would you call an organization that has done all of the above? Surely not “kind” or “generous”?

    Calling the author idiotic, hateful, and a bully does not accomplish anything.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=877210301 Elizabeth Lopez

      You just made our point for us. You said that “calling the author stupid does not accomplish anything.” Well, neither does calling political opponents stupid. I think you’re missing the point here. No one is saying she didn’t bring up valid points. Also, we understand that she doesn’t mean “every republican everywhere” and we also understand that the article was supposed to be funny. It’s not about that.

      The point is that you can’t just make generalizations about people and then say “well I didn’t mean everybody,” when people get offended.

      It’s also not for you to say what’s offensive to others. Maybe it didn’t offend you, but that doesn’t mean it’s invalid when other people get offended. In your comments, you’ve been advocating the author’s right to voice her opinions. Many of us have read this and we have the right to voice our opinion about how rude this article was. It’s not fair for you to say “this article isn’t offensive.” When you call someone stupid, that is offensive.

      This all goes back to my original point that we should really rethink the way we treat and respond to others.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=716665340 Sarah Minerella

    I wouldn’t even consider myself Republican and this is still one of the most idiotic things I’ve read as of late.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=34104942 Nicole Phillips

    This is straight up hateful. You trivialize the whole abortion issue and further polarize sides by behaving this childishly. Most pro-life supporters are not anti-woman, but pro- the rights of the child. BOTH are important. Being in favor of the rights of a helpless human being doesn’t make you cruel or stupid.

    Shame on you for thinking you can bully your way into shaming others into thinking like you. So much for civilized dialogue! Way to blow it!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1419004619 Faith Vokovan

      Zygotes do not have rights. Besides, outlawing abortion will not stop abortions, it will kill women. So it’s not a total stretch to say that if you’re anti-abortion, you’re anti-women..

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=87000443 Candice Campbell

        Zygotes don’t have rights? First off this article talks about how Republicans are trying to ban women from having abortions past twelve weeks pregnant. Do you know what a Zygote is? This was my first experience with hellogiggles and I am offended. As a woman I feel like we deserve the same rights as men. However, what right does a man have to an abortion? How can you not see that Planned Parenthood isn’t working anyway. If Liberals (sarcastic over generalization) were so smart about sex they would know how to use birth control and not get pregnant with unwanted babies to begin with. Liberals (again said with sarcasm, because I am sure that there are a few liberals that are a “good”, smart, responsible “lay”) just want to have sex with whoever at whatever age, spread their STDs, get pregnant, and have tax payers provide their abortion or STD medication. SEX is a BIG deal whether you think so or not. Will women go get an illegal abortion in a back alley if Planned Parenthood closes their doors? probably. Is it wrong of me to think the baby she is pregnant with is innocent and worthy of a responsible loving family regardless of her poor choices? She should be thinking of her own safety before any of this happens. Stop being so concerned about your rights and start thinking about your physical and mental health. Start thinking responsibly. Have any of you even thought about the pain a woman suffers from having an abortion? The depression that follows in like 95% of the cases? The emotional trauma of the whole situation? Abortion isn’t casual or funny. stop putting yourself in these situations and this whole issue could be avoided. Do I think that there should be some exceptions for rape victims and incest? Yes I do. Because it wasn’t that woman’s CHOICE to get pregnant to begin with it. Is it still a sad and traumatic experience? YES. You all are pro-choice but continue to make poor choices and expect everyone else to deal with and pay for the result. PLEASE consider being pro-SMART choice with everything you do…..including writing.

        Your stupidity is not funny. It is sickeningly disturbing.

        And the elephants! Those poor innocent elephants were exploited to this horrible, stupid, ridiculous article without their consent. They don’t deserve this. It’s not their fault your symbol is a jackass.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1079531843 Ashton Cowart

          Well said.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=47103197 A.r. Catson

    Firstly, I’m a democrat. This reads more hateful/bullying to me and less cute/jovial. And if it is truly intended to be as offensive as it comes across, maybe it would have been more successful to just write a direct political opinion piece, rather than hiding behind this unsuccessful, playful artifice.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=569602597 Emily O’Sullivan

    I’m really tired of the mean way that HelloGiggles articles are being written these days. I really used to love this site, and now it’s just judgmental and rude, for the most part.

    This is all overgeneralized, tacky and completely rude. Making blanket statements like these about either side are almost always wrong, you cannot speak for everyone within a set of ideas or beliefs. It would be equally as rude for the other side to make rude blanket statements like this about Democrats. And believe me, there’s material. But of what use is that?

    How does this article bring women together and encourage open discussion of different viewpoints? It’s just bitchy. How disappointing…

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=540050362 Hilary June

      The article is presenting facts and appropriate things to call those facts “cruel” and “cheap”, etc. It is not offensive in anyway, merely a person writing facts and a bit of her opinion – which we are all entitled to. However, it is important when having an opinion to be as informed as possible, which the author has done and shared that information with is.

      It encourages discussion because I have yet to see anybody comment on how the facts themselves. It’s just people being offended by the words associated with those facts, and those running the party.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=546860098 Siobhan Kümm

        “it encourages discussion”

        No, obviously it does not. If it did, we would be discussing the facts instead of the bullying that they were shrouded in.

        You want to discuss facts? Present them in an intelligent and thoughtful manner.

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=540050362 Hilary June

          I see that as a bit of a cop-out. If you wanted to discuss the facts, you’d get over the ‘offensive’ language and make a good case for your side of the issue. All I’ve seen is people whining about the language used to describe actions/facts and ignoring the content of the article completely. Doesn’t say much for the “other side” of this issue.

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=87000443 Candice Campbell

            Here is a smart case for my side of the issue…You are are called pro-choice. You want to be able to kill the babies you get pregnant with because you weren’t having sex responsibly. Anyone who is pro-life is anti-woman? Please! I am just anti-stupid, anti-irresponsible, and anti-selfish. If women would make better choices when it comes to sex maybe Republicans would lighten up. But to us, when it comes to killing babies, we just wish you’d make more intelligent decisions instead of having an “I can do what I want without consequences” attitude. Just look at these words for a second….


            There is nothing hateful about those words. Nothing selfish. Just love and the idea that everyone should take responsibility for what they do. There will be consequences to every decision…even abortion. If people don’t want to get pregnant then don’t get pregnant in the first place. It’s pretty easy. If you don’t know how sex works…don’t have it! common sense.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=47103197 A.r. Catson

      here, here!

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