As Macy Gray once sang in the theme song for As Told By Ginger (the perfect Nickelodeon cartoon that you totally remember), “Someone once told me the grass is much greener on the other side… Well, I paid a visit, but it’s possible I missed it. It seemed different, yet exactly the same. Yeah, ’til further notice, I’m in-between. From where I’m standing, my grass is green.”
I quote the fabulous Macy with one intention in mind: to express how much better your life and the New Year could be with a simple dose of living in the now – because whatever you’re dreaming of, is probably just as horrible as what you’re living.
Errr, or what I mean is, nothing could be better than what you’re doing, your actual life. Where you’re at is where you’ve come. The mirage you’ve made up in your mind and are dreaming of, is probably just filled with dead fish and dirty diapers.
Now, in the form of a snarky list, I give you more proof of Macy’s words.
1. Being Short vs. Being Tall:
- Imagine being short… it’s impossible to reach the area on top of your fridge. Thatz prime real-estate, yo! It’s where you could store things like cereal. This leads to clutter, which leads to hoarding, which leads to dying alone with a cat.
- Imagine being tall… it’s impossible to find a significant other that doesn’t feel/look like your child when you walk down the street hand in hand. This leads to depression, which leads to ice cream, which leads to smelling like lavender and dying alone with 7 dogs.
2. Looking Sexy vs. Being Comfy and Yourself:
- Looking good takes time and money. And most likely, a wedgie. Oh, and a bra that claims to defy laws of science, but is clearly made by liars. Liars that know how to get you a fiancé?
- Being comfortable and yourself means (Keira Knightley types you’re exempt from this part) no double takes. No ‘meet cutes’ with Prince Charming when you drop your bag of nuts at the grocery store. You’re gonna have to pick up your snacks yourself ladies. But, at least you can bend over in those pants.
3. Being Single vs. Being in a Relationship:
- Imagine being single… the world is a dark and lonely place filled with people kissing on every corner and grandmas pestering you about finding a husband.
- Imagine you’re in a relationship…EW you have to actually give a you-know-what about another human being other than yourself.
4. Having a Job vs. Being Unemployed:
- Imagine having a job…and now you must bid adieu to the Real Housewives of BlahBlahBlah and your never ending desire to hibernate. Your bed sheets are probably super nice though.
- Imagine being unemployed… you’re sad and destined only for your butt to officially conform to the shape of your couch. Or to have a perma-cheeto-stash (I just made that up. It’s when you eat too many hot fries or cheetos and you get all cheeezyy-like. And orange. And sad. Like you made out with a gremlin smurf—I wouldn’t know).
5. Being Young vs. Being Old:
- Imagine yourself young… you’re young! And pretty and lean, and you can get away with making tons of horrible choices. Because you’re DUMB. And all you do is make horrible choices.
- Imagine you’re old(er) you can finally stop being manic. You can actually buy things. You’re no longer confused every time you breathe. But you also look like you’ve been in a fight with gravity. Because you have. And it’s just gonna keep kicking your butt. Literally; the cellulite is actually foot marks.
6. Choosing to follow your Dreams vs. Safety and Comfort:
- Dreams and reaching for the stars is really hard. Like, it’s super hard to accomplish lofty dreams. And it’s gonna take a long time. Way longer than you thought. And you will most likely be pretty poor for the hardest parts. The point though, is that one day things magically turn around and not only are you successful, but you’re also happy. Doing what you love. But that happy ending takes an absurd amount of commitment and effort.
- Real Jobs; more stress free, because the stress is less personal. Super boring and sad maybe? I’m not a cubical kind of girl, but I get the perks, the security, the warm lunches. But once you’re in, it’s hard to muster the courage to move on if you realize you’re unhappy. But a warm, fat belly and a mind free of anxiety is tempting. Seems like tears would be a less frequent occurrence. Like weekly rather than daily.
7. Having Glasses vs. Having Good Eyesight.
- Imagine yourself with glasses. Ohhh GEEZ, you’re super trendy right now. Your quirky factor is drastically increased. But you could wake up on a raft in the ocean and not realize you weren’t in your bed until you tried to walk to the bathroom while feeling the wall with your hands only to fall into the ocean and get rescued by dolphins and then turned in to the king of the sea in an enormous kidnapping conspiracy —not that far-fetched.
- Imagine you have good eyesight. One accessory option has been stolen from you. Your choice in earrings now holds a lot of importance. You can see though. And most likely haven’t had to touch your eyeball to attach a piece of plastic to it. (Which kinda sounds cool to me, but I also enjoy the surgery part on doctor TV shows—no, I’m not an ax murderer).
Okay, wooo! You made it through the tuff luv part. I hope I haven’t made you too sad, or mad. If you’re fired up, that’s good. Use that rage out on the elliptical and get ready to start embracing the crappier sides of your life. You CAN make your dream life happen–by realizing that your own version of your life is the best life you’ll ever get.
Lastly, stop day dreaming about someone’s something else, because it ain’t gonna be any better. Up close, everyone else’s rose bushes are dead and filled with maggots.
The grass is always greener on your own lawn. So go sleep with the weeds. They’re your weeds!
Featured image via Shutterstock