Costco represents everything Americans love: saving money, free food and the ability to buy Fancy Feast cat meal in bulk.
When our forefathers discovered this great nation, I do not know whether or not they had the foresight to realize that one-day a membership warehouse would provide the masses with microwavable burritos AND front-loading washing machines, but I do know that they would be proud.
Here are a few of the patriots who frequent this institution:
1. The Guilty Sampler
Taking advantage of Costco and it’s wholesale generosity, this individual strategically rotates around the warehouse, tasting all of the microwaveable delicacies. After the third lap, they begin to notice an overwhelming sense of shame, which is often confused for indigestion. Either way, he/she decides it is time to leave, but not before their top hat-wearing cricket of a conscience morally obligates them to purchase something, anything. Consequently, they leave the store with a 2×2 box of Tums, contemplating a gym membership.
2. The Bi-Annual Visitor
This person is awful to get trapped behind in line because they have three over-sized shopping carts full of bulk items. Their purchases are expansive and all encompassing. They appear to be simultaneously stocking up for Y2K, the zombie apocalypse, the lesser known (and far cuter) guinea pig Armageddon, the seventh seal to break and a surprise visit from in-laws.
3. The Food Court Regular
Their vision is obstructed by the yard long churro that protrudes from their esophagus. “Wait…Wha…There’s a store here too!”
4. The Shifty Electronics Buff
Certain, rare instances arise when you are able to perceive life’s symmetry. One such fleeting occurrence was when new electronics came out in 6 month increments and the Costco return time limit was exactly 6 months. This enabled technology enthusiasts to swap out their icky, outdated PC Windows for an upgraded Apple skylight or something. Then one dark day in the third fiscal quarter, Costco shortened their return time from 6 months to 3 months. The world has never known a story of more woe.
5. The Astonishingly Self –Restrained Shopper
They go in looking for a five speed blender and they emerge fifteen minutes later — with a five speed blender. Due to what I can only assume to be heightened propensity for psychosomatic evolution, this (mutant) consumer has developed a keen sense of necessity, which has proven optimal for physical and fiscal survival. Along with their astounding levels self-regulation, these naturally selected hyper-humans are also commonly known to feature a pretty succinct five-year-plan and a solid grasp on the concept of a 401K. Darwin is satisfied.
6. The Person Who Tries Justifying the Necessity of a 4 Gallon Bag of Werther’s Originals
Addicts often attempt to rationalize their dependencies, so too will the Costco fanatic try to defend their ever-unnecessary purchases. “I can use this pound of Velveeta/ soldering-iron value pack/ above ground swimming pool as a wedding present/ Halloween costume/ doorstop.” Under a very limited number of highly unrealistic circumstances would you ever need that much hard candy, all of which require you to be over the age of 75.
Featured image via savingnaturally.com