Superheroes are so hot right now. You’ve got Spiderman and Batman on nearly every billboard in sight and last weekend, San Diego’s Comic Con was a veritable sea of spandex-clad characters straight from the dusty pages of my brother’s comic collection. It’s amazing that the world is still in one piece with all those heroes and villains swimming around in one town. There must have been a treaty or a peace pact or something.
In all honesty, I don’t really want to be a superhero. It’s too much pressure and they probably have to miss a lot of their favorite TV shows while they are out fighting crime, but I do want to have some super powers. When I first read Harry Potter, I actually thought I was a wizard. I thought that soon, a letter would arrive in my chimney inviting me to ram a cart through a brick wall on a train platform and ride a billowing choo-choo to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. No such luck, you guys. The only thing I ended up having in common with Hermione was uncontrollably disheveled hair.
After watching some celebrity interviews from Comic Con, I noticed that all of the hosts asked all of the celebrities the same question: “If you could have any superpower, what would it be?” And most of them gave the same old answers: fly, shape shifting, stop time. Well, celebrities, I am unimpressed by your boring interview answers. Allow me to inspire you. So in honor of all this superhero talk, and just incase someone, somewhere is handing out superpowers, here is my humble list:
Dozer- This power would allow you to be able to fall asleep as soon as you wanted and wake up feeling completely refreshed. Just imagine. No more tossing around in bed trying to remember whats on the docket for tomorrow and what will you eat for lunch. And no more waking up and entering a zombie-like state until noon. Imagine all of the energy you would have. BAM! You just became and Olympic speedwalker with all that extra energy!
Projector Head- I can’t even count the number of times that I start talking about a video I’ve seen only to be met with silence because I am the only one who has seen it. How convenient would it be if I could just aim my forehead at the wall and display it for all to see. The audio would come out of my mouth.
Series Eraser- Honestly the only reason I ever want to go back in time is so that I can re-watch a series I love without knowing what will happen next. How fun would it be to start over on Gilmore Girls or LOST. Will Luke and Lorelai end up together? Aaah! The suspense is killing me. I would also use this power to erase my friends watching history so that, even if they had already seen a series, they would want to watch it with me.
Doolittle- I mean, I pretty much already know how to speak to my dog and I have pretty good communication with brids, but I would love to figure out what is going on in a wasp’s head. Why are you so mean? Why did you build your nest next to my front door? This power would allow you to communicate with all animals. I bet the bears have some really great stories to tell.
Bladder Expander- This power would make it so you would not have to ever use a port-a-potty again. Unlimited holding-it abilities.
Invisibility Cloak- Ya, everyone, I stole this from Harry Potter. However, I would not use it to go on adventures, I would use it solely to get me out of small-talk situations. You’re waiting in line to get some FroYo when you seen your mom’s next-door-neighbor who wants to know if you are dating anyone. That is a ‘nope’ situation. Just slip that cloak on (and pay for your FroYo you thief!) and slip out the door. I would never small-talk again.
What super power would you want?
Photo from shutterstock.com
I want two super powers. I want a magical handbag (small, thank you) that I can reach into and access all my clothing, makeup, accessories, the whole works, so when I find myself wearing the completely wrong thing, I can just excuse myself, find the loo, reach into my magic bag, and pull out something dynamite for the situation, something which is invariably at home and buried in the back of my closet.
But I could do without the magic handbag if I could have my second super power. And it’s a dorky one, too. I’d like to be able to touch people, and have them instantly see themselves the way I see them, and have the image in their mind be so powerful it replaces whatever negative one is dominating them on the inside. When I see a lovely 45-year-old woman who looks silly because she’s trying desperately to hold on to the hotness she had when she was 23, I could touch her and let her see how beautiful she really is, gray roots and laugh lines and all. And it would stick. She’d never leave the house again feeling inadequate because she’s not the 23-year-old beauty she once was–she’d really see the 45-year-old beauty she currently is. That guy at the street fair? The one who feels old and fat and ugly because he’s losing his hair and desperately clinging to his hat to try and hide it? I’d sidle up to him, casually brush his arm, and he’d see that what I see is a handsome man who looks like a million bucks when he smiles at his wife or buys his kid an big sticky mess of cotton candy. All their self-doubt and insecurities would be erased because they’d see themselves as they really are, and the stupid little demons that live in their heads, the ones that make them see ugly things in the mirror when there’s nothing ugly to see, would just shut up because no one was listening anymore.
That’s what I’d really like for a super power. Let me know if you hear of R&D on that which doesn’t involve mind-altering substances. Because mind-altering substances leave the blood after a time. My super power would make a permanent change in how they see themselves. If I could touch enough people, and transfer to them the beauty I see when I look at them, I’d be delighted, and I think the world would be a better place. It’s not a terribly practical super power, but it sure would make me happy.
I like the hair idea. I would love to be able to completely change my hair to suit my mood – color, thickness, cut, just by wiggling my nose. As in: today it’s red and wavy, tomorrow a pink beehive. That would be awesome.
I would steal that move from Bewitched and wiggle my nose whenever I wanted something to happen. Like, if I wanted a piece of pizza I would just wiggle my nose and it would appear. Hmm.. I wish my hair would look fabulous without styling- wiggle nose. I wish this pimple would disappear- wiggle nose. It would be sweet if I were in the tropics- wiggle nose. See what I’m saying? What else would you need?
Series Eraser would ruin my life. I’d never leave the house because I’d be watching Harpers Island on Netflix, all day every day. Can we also have calorie forgiveness, or replacement? I’d like to switch the calories of a cake with say, some gross leafy vegetable that I never want to eat again.
I hate small talk-situation. I do not like being near to a conversation i have no interest in. I keep my mouth shut, I feel shy and awkward. I mean why talk about some of the things people talk about, and joke an fake laugh and and… gosh. yeah a cloaking device would be a plus
THESE ARE ALL GENUS!! Sara Hosking yours is an amazing idea too, I would totally use that because who doesn’t want vintage clothing that you see on other people. Ive never actually thought of a super power to use….Maybe awesome quirkiness would be my power like you see some boring person in a suit and then you touch them and they become all fun and quirky or a another way to use it would be if someone hated quirky people you touch them and boom they’re flamboyant and creative!!
One and five would be all that I need.
The rest would be gravy.
Bladder Expander – Yep. Need that.
Doolittle would be really helpful
haha I like the projector head one! What kind of superpower would you have if you had to protect yourself from being stalked by a secret society? Let us know here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Cameo/156291311151309
I would give up ice cream for the Series Eraser. Gilmore Girls never gets old but I would sure love to be surprised when Rory and Dean do it again!
Series eraser! I can’t believe 1 – I haven’t ever thought of this before, and 2 – I can’t just do this! Oh, to be able to rewatch Buffy Season 6 and not know that the musical was coming up, or to rediscover what the heck is going on on Homeland every week!
Holy hell Projector Head might be the greatest thing I’ve ever heard of and I am jealous I never thought of it. I am totally going to steal it now as my answer to what super power I’d want because seriously, HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?!
I love the dozer Idea but my superpower of choice has always been copy-and-paste, just like on the computer but in real life. See, I could be like, naw, I’ve eaten most of my cupcakes, now there’s only one left
BUUUUT, copy and paste! now I have two, or more, and I can keep right on eating. Or if I’d lost an earring, or I was 5cents short, or I saw a jacket on a lady that I desperately wanted but she said it was vintage… And I’d use my powers for good too, I could make more oil for our cars, and food for the third world, and replacement organs for people who needed them.
I think science should get on this.
I like the dozer and the projector head. You could also use it to show people crazy dreams you’ve had. I’m a mom, and I would love the ability to conjure food out of nowhere. “Oh what – you don’t want mac and cheese? Instant lasagna!” Or instant roast that takes all day to make.