Superheroes are so hot right now. You’ve got Spiderman and Batman on nearly every billboard in sight and last weekend, San Diego’s Comic Con was a veritable sea of spandex-clad characters straight from the dusty pages of my brother’s comic collection. It’s amazing that the world is still in one piece with all those heroes and villains swimming around in one town. There must have been a treaty or a peace pact or something.
In all honesty, I don’t really want to be a superhero. It’s too much pressure and they probably have to miss a lot of their favorite TV shows while they are out fighting crime, but I do want to have some super powers. When I first read Harry Potter, I actually thought I was a wizard. I thought that soon, a letter would arrive in my chimney inviting me to ram a cart through a brick wall on a train platform and ride a billowing choo-choo to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. No such luck, you guys. The only thing I ended up having in common with Hermione was uncontrollably disheveled hair.
After watching some celebrity interviews from Comic Con, I noticed that all of the hosts asked all of the celebrities the same question: “If you could have any superpower, what would it be?” And most of them gave the same old answers: fly, shape shifting, stop time. Well, celebrities, I am unimpressed by your boring interview answers. Allow me to inspire you. So in honor of all this superhero talk, and just incase someone, somewhere is handing out superpowers, here is my humble list:
Dozer- This power would allow you to be able to fall asleep as soon as you wanted and wake up feeling completely refreshed. Just imagine. No more tossing around in bed trying to remember whats on the docket for tomorrow and what will you eat for lunch. And no more waking up and entering a zombie-like state until noon. Imagine all of the energy you would have. BAM! You just became and Olympic speedwalker with all that extra energy!
Projector Head- I can’t even count the number of times that I start talking about a video I’ve seen only to be met with silence because I am the only one who has seen it. How convenient would it be if I could just aim my forehead at the wall and display it for all to see. The audio would come out of my mouth.
Series Eraser- Honestly the only reason I ever want to go back in time is so that I can re-watch a series I love without knowing what will happen next. How fun would it be to start over on Gilmore Girls or LOST. Will Luke and Lorelai end up together? Aaah! The suspense is killing me. I would also use this power to erase my friends watching history so that, even if they had already seen a series, they would want to watch it with me.
Doolittle- I mean, I pretty much already know how to speak to my dog and I have pretty good communication with brids, but I would love to figure out what is going on in a wasp’s head. Why are you so mean? Why did you build your nest next to my front door? This power would allow you to communicate with all animals. I bet the bears have some really great stories to tell.
Bladder Expander- This power would make it so you would not have to ever use a port-a-potty again. Unlimited holding-it abilities.
Invisibility Cloak- Ya, everyone, I stole this from Harry Potter. However, I would not use it to go on adventures, I would use it solely to get me out of small-talk situations. You’re waiting in line to get some FroYo when you seen your mom’s next-door-neighbor who wants to know if you are dating anyone. That is a ‘nope’ situation. Just slip that cloak on (and pay for your FroYo you thief!) and slip out the door. I would never small-talk again.
What super power would you want?
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