Five Ways Something Ruined My Life5 Ways ‘Frozen' Ruined My LifeErin Mallory Long

For as long as I’ve done this column (saying column makes me want to adjust my monocle), I’ve mostly focused on things I watched growing up and therefore can’t be blamed for the intense reactions I had to them as a child.

Well, today we’re changing all that because I just saw Frozen. Does that mean nothing I’ve seen as an adult has ruined my life? Absolutely not. Breaking Bad I’ve obviously only seen as an adult. Ditto Her, ditto, everything, really. I still consume movies and TV shows with the same, excuse me, gusto, as I did as a child but usually I keep my wits about me a little more. Enter Frozen. I mean, I’m a sucker for a ton of things but some of these things include: Kristen Bell, musicals and Disney movies. So I was pretty much set up for life ruining with this movie (despite the fact that neither of the girls are brunettes!).

Let’s explore the five ways Frozen has ruined my life:

1. Suddenly Desperate to be an Ice Queen

Sure there are tons of downsides to Elsa’s powers but it’s still pretty cool to be able to create ice and snow. Once she figures out how to control it and not be ashamed by it and hide away, she gets to be awesome. Obviously, there’s loads of symbolism to this like, “accept yourself” and “don’t close yourself off to love” and “you don’t have to hide if you have magical powers” or something.

The point is, controlling the weather would be a super cool power to have and Elsa’s whole appearance changes when she “lets it go” because SHE IS FINALLY COOL WITH HERSELF, YOU GUYS.

Ugh, I love Frozen.

2. Want a Talking Snowman Friend

When I say, “I couldn’t stop laughing once Olaf showed up.” I mean that LITERALLY. When he asks who the funny-looking donkey is and then “who’s the reindeer?” I DIED. And then the entire sequence of him meeting Kristoff’s family when they were still in rock form? Amazing.

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When I saw him I thought I’d hate him because he’s designed a little weird (since, duh, I get it, kids made him) but he just made me laugh the entire time and I can’t handle thinking about his whispered asides to Anna to run away.

3. Anything Involving Un-Freezing a Heart With Love Will Make Me Cry

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My PHYSICAL reaction to Anna being told her heart could only be un-frozen by an act of true love was to yelp, and then start crying.

I’m 29 years old, I’ve watched a ton of movies, I knew what was going to happen when she got struck in the chest. But NONE OF THAT MATTERED WHEN I HEARD THAT LINE. It still hit me right in my own frozen hearthole and I couldn’t handle it.

This is a lesson we all need to remember and like, maybe I’m just in a weird emotional state right now but everything in this movie is IMPORTANT with a capital IMP.

4. DEFINITELY Can’t Trust ANYONE Named Hans Now

As a die hard Die Hard fan, I already am well-versed in the trusting of people named Hans. In that, you shouldn’t.

But Hans in Frozen seems so great! He says sandwiches with her and he’s helpful when she’s leaves him in charge! But he’s actually evil. Ugh.

Classic youngest-of-13-brothers behavior if you ask me.

5. SHE SAVED HERSELF WITH HER EXPRESSION OF LOVE TOWARDS HER SISTER

UGH JUST KILL ME RIGHT NOW.

Also, so sorry most of this is in caps. Sigh.

I LOST MY MIND (whoops) when Anna runs to save Elsa and her body freezes. I could not handle it. Would Kristoff kissing her have saved her? Yes. But then Elsa would have died. Anna loved her sister unconditionally her entire life and when she saved her she saved herself as well. Sisters!

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I’ve never wanted a sister more than watching this movie.

(Main image via, poster via, Olaf via, Elsa and Anna via)

 

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  1. Irma,dont mean to judge,however ,i think you need to watch Frozen again,with an open heart,not with your critical mind,im sure you will connect with it emotionally. I personally enjoyed the movie,yes i cried too,especially the part where Olaf tells Anna, love is putting some one else needs before your own…boy,was it hard to hold back my tears,lol…I dont have a sister,yet, i just burst out when Anna “sacrafised” her own life to save her sister,that was an excample of uncondional love..or a act out of love..Great surprise in the movie as we all used to classic animated movies of a princess getting saved by a kiss out of love.

  2. Frozen was not up to par with all the other Disney movies out there, and trust me, they’re all good. Except for Cars, that was dumb. Frozen also had a dumb humor air to it. Obviously simple minded people think it was amazing.

    • Not to be a pedant, but Cars isn’t Disney, it’s Pixar. Sure Disney own Pixar, but it’s a seperate studio in it’s own right.

      And surely you aren’t saying Brother Bear, Treasure Planet, Home on the Range, the Black Cauldron and Atlantis the Lost Empire are better than Frozen?

      Of course you are entitled to your opinions, but I just wanted to give you some facts to help you make a more educated decision.

      Also, wouldn’t mind a little specificity as to what you would call ‘dumb’ humour. Not saying there isn’t dumb humour in either Cars or Frozen, just wanted your definition.

      Don’t mean to cause anger or offense, just need a little clarity as I can over read into things, and your post comes off a little ‘I want to go against the grain’ rather than actual opinion.. And I’m not a fan of people being called ‘simple minded’ just because they like something you don’t. Let’s just be civil shall we.

  3. Am lucky to have my ANNA with me…. she is helping me WIN the WAR against CHILDHOOD CANCER!♥ valientevalentinadestroyingneuroblastoma. Facebook

  4. My ex-boyfriend’s middle name was Hans. I agree with your assessment.

  5. Ok, so being a guy I really didn’t feel like I should have connected with this movie as much as say the Lion King, Hunchback, Hercules or Pinocchio……….but oh my god, I’ve been to see Frozen three times at a movietorium now, and all three times out of choice.

    Ahoy, here be SPOILERS

    Not a fan or musicals, and not really a princess kinda guy, but being a huge animation and Disney fan I went in with a few trepidations, was it going to be standard fairy tale princess needs a prince fair, was it going to be a true loves kiss that saves the day? So so happy with literally every second of this movie. From the adorable diva-es pure ‘the sun’s awake, so I’m awake’ through the amazingly visual emotional tugging of the parents boat being devoured by the sea (I kid you not three viewings, three massive gasps each time), the tears of the final ‘do you want to build a snowman’ answered by a silent ‘yes, I do’ (seriously, listen to the last little musical flourish after Anna asks as an adult). The awakwardness of Anna (something I so relate to), the sassy reinvention of Elsa, Olaf, the heart wrenching finale. Argh I love this movie so much, and as a guy (a straight guy, not that this should be of relevance), I don’t know why it resonates so deeply with me.

    I just dang love Frozen.

  6. From the moment I started reading this I just KNEW you had a tumblr! hahah And yes, I agree 100% with you and may or may not have spent a whole afternoon discussing this movie with my two ten year old cousins. No big deal, at all.

  7. I freaking LOVE this film. One, if not the best Disney animated film in quite some time. You couldn’t go too wrong with talent like Menzel and Bell (Not too many people actually realize Kristen Bell could actually sing BTW). The support cast is excellent too. Musicals are my jam. I’m hoping for a sequel :-)

  8. If anyone’s in the mood for feels…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OoWsy7H-Mc

  9. My sister passed away 7 months ago, this movie seriously made me ball my darn eyes out.

  10. I made (the best) mistake by going to see this WITH my sister. As the film ends, and we’re both weeping out eyes out, we turned to say to each other that we’d jump in front of a sword for the other, too. (Cue more weeping). Well done, Disney.

  11. Oh, my god, number one! I live in Brazil. If I could create ice and snow I would rule this shit!

  12. I AM SO GLAD I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS! Augh, you are my Disney-movie-soulmate.