For as long as I’ve done this column (saying column makes me want to adjust my monocle), I’ve mostly focused on things I watched growing up and therefore can’t be blamed for the intense reactions I had to them as a child.
Well, today we’re changing all that because I just saw Frozen. Does that mean nothing I’ve seen as an adult has ruined my life? Absolutely not. Breaking Bad I’ve obviously only seen as an adult. Ditto Her, ditto, everything, really. I still consume movies and TV shows with the same, excuse me, gusto, as I did as a child but usually I keep my wits about me a little more. Enter Frozen. I mean, I’m a sucker for a ton of things but some of these things include: Kristen Bell, musicals and Disney movies. So I was pretty much set up for life ruining with this movie (despite the fact that neither of the girls are brunettes!).
Let’s explore the five ways Frozen has ruined my life:
1. Suddenly Desperate to be an Ice Queen
Sure there are tons of downsides to Elsa’s powers but it’s still pretty cool to be able to create ice and snow. Once she figures out how to control it and not be ashamed by it and hide away, she gets to be awesome. Obviously, there’s loads of symbolism to this like, “accept yourself” and “don’t close yourself off to love” and “you don’t have to hide if you have magical powers” or something.
The point is, controlling the weather would be a super cool power to have and Elsa’s whole appearance changes when she “lets it go” because SHE IS FINALLY COOL WITH HERSELF, YOU GUYS.
Ugh, I love Frozen.
2. Want a Talking Snowman Friend
When I say, “I couldn’t stop laughing once Olaf showed up.” I mean that LITERALLY. When he asks who the funny-looking donkey is and then “who’s the reindeer?” I DIED. And then the entire sequence of him meeting Kristoff’s family when they were still in rock form? Amazing.
When I saw him I thought I’d hate him because he’s designed a little weird (since, duh, I get it, kids made him) but he just made me laugh the entire time and I can’t handle thinking about his whispered asides to Anna to run away.
3. Anything Involving Un-Freezing a Heart With Love Will Make Me Cry
My PHYSICAL reaction to Anna being told her heart could only be un-frozen by an act of true love was to yelp, and then start crying.
I’m 29 years old, I’ve watched a ton of movies, I knew what was going to happen when she got struck in the chest. But NONE OF THAT MATTERED WHEN I HEARD THAT LINE. It still hit me right in my own frozen hearthole and I couldn’t handle it.
This is a lesson we all need to remember and like, maybe I’m just in a weird emotional state right now but everything in this movie is IMPORTANT with a capital IMP.
4. DEFINITELY Can’t Trust ANYONE Named Hans Now
As a die hard Die Hard fan, I already am well-versed in the trusting of people named Hans. In that, you shouldn’t.
But Hans in Frozen seems so great! He says sandwiches with her and he’s helpful when she’s leaves him in charge! But he’s actually evil. Ugh.
Classic youngest-of-13-brothers behavior if you ask me.
5. SHE SAVED HERSELF WITH HER EXPRESSION OF LOVE TOWARDS HER SISTER
UGH JUST KILL ME RIGHT NOW.
Also, so sorry most of this is in caps. Sigh.
I LOST MY MIND (whoops) when Anna runs to save Elsa and her body freezes. I could not handle it. Would Kristoff kissing her have saved her? Yes. But then Elsa would have died. Anna loved her sister unconditionally her entire life and when she saved her she saved herself as well. Sisters!
I’ve never wanted a sister more than watching this movie.