5 Things To Do With A Time Machine

I know a lot of you dream about having a time machine. And you should know that is 100% natural (especially if you read so many young adult dystopian novels that you constantly yearn for simpler times when teenage girls didn’t “fight to the death” to earn golden credits to buy oxygen for their secret cyborg boyfriends, because in 2517 we’ve ruined the air forever). And you’ve probably thought about what you would use the time machine for…do you go back and kill Hitler? Or do you go back to high school so you can stop yourself from asking out that boy to prom using a cutesy note tied to a Worf action figure from Star Trek: The Next Generation? (Side note: he said no.) It’s not an easy decision! So if you are ever lucky enough to actually find/get/make a time machine, here are my top five suggestions for worthy time machine travels:

1. Minnesota, 1869
You know how Nelly on Little House on the Prairie was SO smug all the time, with her pretty dresses and brand new pieces of chalk? I’d love to travel back to Minnesota, 1869, and stroll into some tiny wooden school house with my iPhone and a pretty dress and just BLOW THEIR MINDS. Guess what, Prairie Teacher, I know all the answers to your questions! Ever hear of Pluto? No? Well, it’s gonna be a planet some day and then it won’t be one! I’d do nice things too, like give free chalk to all the poor girls and modern pesticides to the local farmers so they won’t lose all their crops to the locust swarms.

2. New York, 1966
This probably has to do with my love of Megan on Mad Men, but I would like to take a bunch of cash to Manhattan, 1966, and do some high end clothes shopping. Most days I dress like a 7-year-old boy, with t-shirts and converse shoes. I almost never dress fancy, because where would I go? Target? My living room? But every now and then, I think it would be fun to look “like a lady”, and it seems like a lot of women looked lady-like in 1966. I don’t want to look too serious, though, like Posh Spice or Angeline Jolie. I want to be a smiling, glamorous, fun lady, like my Mad Men Megan! Or Beyonce.

3. Unspecified Candy Wonderland
This one isn’t very specific, but I want to go back in time to a place where there is a lot of quality candy and no one is worried about sugar being poison or America being fat. I’ll bring some duffel bags with me and fill them up and you can totally have some. Do you like nuts? And where do you think this place would be? I guess I should do some research…maybe an early century French bakery or the first Kit-Kat factory? I bet those first Kit-Kats were super good.

4. New York, 1933
I know this is another New York one, but a lot of my desires originate from TV shows and movies and lots of them take place in New York. And if you are as big a fan as me, when you see “New York, 1933,” you immediately know I am talking about Annie and her singing orphan friends.  I would like to go back in time to adopt an entire orphanage of Depression-era girls and bring them back to 2012 and help them find families and warm sweaters. I won’t lie, it would be GREAT if they could also sing and dance, but that is not a prerequisite of my orphan rescue. Everyone deserves a family.

5. High School
And finally, I would clearly go back to high school so I could stop myself from asking out that boy to prom using a cutesy note tied to a Worf action figure from Star Trek: The Next Generation. He thought prom was dumb and expensive, but suggested we go to a baseball game instead. A BASEBALL GAME. I said yes even though baseball is very, very boring and no one can tell what is going on. I missed out on my chance to dress up like a fancy lady! So if it bothers you that you missed prom, then think about going back in time. If it doesn’t bother you, then be a peace with the fact that you might become a sitcom writer some day because apparently a lot more of us liked Star Trek: The Next Generationthan had boyfriends. Good luck.

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