True Lies is one of the best films of all time. I laugh, I gasp, I cry. Yes, I cry while watching True Lies - but I’ll get to that later. For me, this movie is all about Jamie Lee Curtis. Google True Lies and, sure enough, most of your results will yield Jamie Lee dancing in her underwear. But Jamie is oh-so-much more. She’s a true teacher.

1) If you don’t trust your husband – don’t worry! It’ll turn out better than you ever dreamed it could.

Harry Tasker lies to his wife Helen for basically this entire movie and it rekindles their romance and passion. It revives their relationship and their love for each other. It even eventually leads to Helen achieving her sexy potential and getting a new career. So if some dude is lying to you, don’t worry! It’s probably for a good reason and you’ll end up a better person for it. You’ll go from the frumpy almost-cheater with loser/liar Bill Paxton to sexy secret agent/happy marriage-haver.

See how fantastic you can be! Just get that secret agent/liar husband and you’re on your way, ladies!

2) If your husband tricks you into dancing around in your underthings whilst he poses as a European criminal – don’t worry! It’ll turn out better than you ever dreamed it could.

This is the most internet-famous scene by far. Don’t fret, this isn’t the one that makes me cry.

Harry thinks his wife is cheating on him and he’s almost right. He’s so right, he’s wrong. But to give Helen the adventure she so craves he sets up a fake mission for her in which she believes she’ll have to strip dance for a criminal. A rich, sexy criminal! Harry thinks his wife will be so enchanted by the whole thing she won’t be mad when he reveals he’s not a EuroCrimeGenius.

You might think it’s weird to want to praise Harry Tasker for posing as a creep and forcing his wife to sexy dance for him, but I will disagree. Through dancing around in her underpants Jamie Lee gains a sense of self and a greater confidence. When she starts off dancing she’s awkwardly funking it up, but by the end of her routine you can tell she really feels like a strong and independent woman. In her undergear. If this situation ever befalls you, don’t get upset or offended – you’re about to be a powerful woman who loves herself and her body!

3) If you’re taken hostage by terrorist group – don’t worry! It’ll turn out better than you ever dreamed it could.

Again, you might want to blame Harry Tasker for getting his wife into an international nuclear-powered mess but you really shouldn’t. If Jamie Lee hadn’t been kidnapped along with Harry they would’ve never gotten the chance to solidify the trust in their marriage. Trust through lies? I must be crazy. I’m not. It’s only after their lives are in danger that couples realize they love each other. There simply is no other way. Jamie Lee even gets  to explore her inner-action hero by handling guns (poorly) and getting into a fist fight with a crazy lady. So if you’re ever taken hostage, celebrate it! You’re about to be a new woman with fantastic personal relationships!

Jamie Lee also taught me if you drop a gun down a flight of stairs you will kill all the terrorists around you and there’s no chance a stray bullet will puncture your husband.

4) If you meet a guy posing as a spy who’s actually a disgusting used-car salesman and embarrassingly fall for it – don’t worry! It’ll turn out better than you ever dreamed it could.

Sad Jamie Lee falls for Bill Paxton and almost cheats on her husband with him, but she doesn’t. And in the process she finds out how much her husband loves her. Harry abuses his station and resources in order to have his wife monitored and tracked and then he threatens Bill Paxton to the point that poor Bill messes himself. If that doesn’t spell your husband loves you I don’t know what does.

Sometimes almost-cheating can bring to light how much love is still left in your marriage. You definitely should not cheat, even if the guy claims he’s a spy. You should just almost-cheat until your actual spy husband notices and pulls out all the stops to keep your relationship as spicy as a meatball.

5) If the bridge is out and you’re in a limo heading for the edge at high speeds – don’t worry! It’ll turn out better than you ever dreamed it could.

Once again, Jamie Lee gets into quite a pickle. She gets into a fist fight with Juno Skinner in the back of a limo and they accidentally kill the driver. Then the bridge the limo is on blows up and they’re headed right for the edge! Her husband Harry is in a helicopter behind her trying to let her know “The bridge is out!” Jamie Lee manages to defeat Juno and then finally notices the bridge is out and for once her husband isn’t lying. Harry zooms in to try and snatch her out of the roof of the limo but they can’t quite connect.

And then finally, just as the limo goes over the edge, Jamie Lee grabs onto Harry and as she goes soaring into the air as the car crashes and explodes. And that’s when I cry. Every time! I cry from the movie magic of it all. It’s like how I cry in Outrageous Fortune when Shelley Long impossibly ballet leaps her way to safety. It’s ridiculous and magical. There. That is my confession to the internet world. I cry while watching True Lies. I just think that absurd helicopter rescue is wonderful. And it taught me I can always count on someone in a helicopter to save my life if my out-of-control car is headed for certain death and disaster.

I urge you all to take a moment today and give a thank you Jamie Lee for teaching us all how to feel better about ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. Or at the very least for informing us about the health benefits of eating yogurt for regular pooping. Thank you, Jamie Lee. I tip my hat to you.

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